blah.
written: 6:08 p.m. on Sunday, Apr. 30, 2006

Anyway, I really hated it. Season 2, that is. It was absolute crap. The season finale was probably the most boring ever. I hate the mere idea of Lucas/Brooke, especially after Lucas spent the whole of bloody Season 1 pining after Peyton. I hated Felix (dude, you just cannot act), I hated Anna, I hated Haley's unfortunate character assassinations, I hated the NASCAR episode, I hated the overdrawn and downright contrived baby drama that Jake (however hot) had going on, and right now I can't think of even one thing I liked.

Um, besides Shirtless Nathan, that is. He's hot.

You know, at this point I don't even care if Nathan and Haley are married again, or if Dan is really dead, and I especially do not want to see Lucas and Brooke together. It defies mere logic and it completely contradicts what happened in Season 1. The show is a fucking mess. If it gets renewed over Veronica Mars, I will be SO BLOODY ANGRY. Sure I haven't watched Season 3 yet but I'm willing to bet that it's even worse than Season 2.

Oh, and one more thing to add to my list of things I hated about it: Jimmy Eat World. Oh my god, are they, like, the crappiest band EVER or what? Their stupid lead singer can't even freaking lip-synch convincingly. And I thought Jay Chou was a bad lip-syncher (um, no, I can't spell that word). The penultimate episode was so choke-full of crappy Jimmy Eat World and their crappy grammatically-incorrect selves and their crappy songs that it felt like a stupid 45-minute long music video.

Ugh. The travesty of it all. Season 1 was no work of art, but at least it was kind of good. Season 2 is just...crap. 23 episodes of crap.

On the bright side, they were entertaining. That's about as bright as it gets though.

Anyway, moving on. Contract. I am so dead. Enough said.

**

Edited to add: It's 9.52 p.m. and since the stuff I wrote above all I've done to try to "study" is to open up my Remedies lecture notes on Microsoft Word. Reading the first two bloody words was enough to turn me off.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Contract? In fact, now that I think of it, it's probably the main reason why I hate law school the way I do. Sue me for not giving a damn about people's businesses and contractual obligations and whatever else the module deals with 'cause quite frankly I don't even know, but that's just the way it is: I. Don't. Care. And chances are, I never will.

It was hard enough pretending to give a damn in secondary school. In JC it was easier to lose the pretense, because I didn't have to pretend anymore; the subjects were still too superficial, but they were engaging at the very least (except for Maths, of course) and I knew what I wanted and what I chose. And most importantly, the major difference between SN and Jurong was that Jurong was an entirely different deal for me altogether. I'm not even talking about what a great boost it was for my ego to be the top Arts student and the top GP student and whatever else; what really mattered was how different Jurong was from the same-y experience in SN that had me confined to the same old claustrophobic cocoon for a grand total of ten years. Ten years in the same place, dealing with same people, feeling like I didn't belong. And then I screwed up my O Levels, predictably, got into Jurong, didn't actually mind that I got posted back to Jurong. And the Mel came along. I love those Nike shoes because they brought us together. She's probably the only person I know who wouldn't view me in a different light or make me feel ashamed, like I was doing something wrong, if I told her suddenly that I felt like experimenting with bondage or lesbianism. She's so open to crazy stuff that I would've felt like I had someone to count on if I knew her when I was 16, going through that first relationship which was one hell of an emotional, hormonally-charged rollercoaster ride. And instead of responding to my, um, experiences with "Ew!" or "Yuck!" or "Gross!", she'd probably ask, "So was it good?" How nice it would've been to have ONE PERSON whom I could share those shit with.

Jurong was a lot of things for me. It was the reason I wanted to do well academically, it was the bane of my existence, and it was where I met Mel. I won't be this person right now if it weren't for her.

And needless to say, I'm getting shit-all out of law school. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. It feels like secondary school all over again, and not just because there are about 2582785274529 SN girls there. And it's so completely ridiculous because secondary school is supposed to be over. My lackadaisical attitude is supposed to be a thing of the past that I occasionally bring up to serve as a contrast to the Reformed Me to show how far I've come. But no, I'm comparing two sides of the same coin and it bothers me because it's making Jurong look like it never happened. That ambitious person I was back there has more or less disappeared, snuck away silently, over the past year.

Things get to a point where you just don't know if you can continue the same way anymore. You keep looking back for missteps to pinpoint exactly what you did wrong, and yet you know it's all futile because it's true what they say about not being able to "turn back the hands of time" (for the record, I fucking hate this cliche), and because the deeper you dig into your past, the further you fall into the vortex that infinitely spirals downwards, arms flailing around. And you're dizzy and you're suspended in the middle of nowhere, limboing between that fuzzy area that's neither the past nor the present...because you discover the amazing magnitude of all the things you failed to do. The chances you failed to act upon, the opportunities you turned down, the potential that you fucked up.

It's not just about applying overseas immediately after getting my A Level results, or turning down law's offer. The things that I should've done to prevent me from being where I am today are so, so much more. I'd need multiple lifetimes to start making amends.

But hey, you know what they say. Hindsight's always 50/50. I suppose life would be even more watered-down than it is now, hard as it is to imagine, if we knew the right choice to make, every single time. But it just gets to me that I've always been in the dark when it comes to making things happen for myself. I like to dream big, but when it comes to the doing, I sit on my ass all day long and think, Uh yeah tomorrow'd be a good day for that.

But seriously. Biggest mistake of my life? Being horrendously wrong about who I am and "deciding" to enter law school. And I'm supposed to believe I'm still that girl who swore that she'd never go into law because of what it stands for, the same person who wanted to pursue writing in New York, the same person who declared that she'd be a Lit major and nothing else.

Don't mind me, but somehow, I'm having difficulties believing that.

**

In other news, my weird dreams have started again. I've dreamt about this one person a few times now and every time I wake up with one thought in my mind: What The Fuck?

Oh god. This is so mortifying. Maybe I should just get to know the person so that I can forget about it, because, you know, whenever I actually get to know someone I lose interest in that person, like, a few weeks later. Two months, if he's lucky/if I'm merciful (right). That's how I work.

Seriously, I'm convinced that no guy in his right mind who knows me would want to wish me on his worst enemy. In a way, I think Veronica Mars and I are quite alike. She was unable to do normal (after all, Duncan did...disappear) and she's inexplicably attracted to the Prince of Torture and Torment, Logan Echolls. I don't have a Logan in my life because I'm waiting for one to sweep me off my feet, but I've had a few Duncan's in the past and look where they got me. And the reason why I felt so much for her after that last scene in the latest episode is because I knew how much it took for her to confess, to stop dodging her own feelings and to take that leap of faith. For me, when I think I'm taking a leap of faith, I usually only get it half right; more likely than not, I'm always blind to how I'm making a mistake.

Dammit, I want my epic love story too. And somehow, I doubt I can get it with the person who keeps appearing in my dreams.

Yelen, when are you going to stop being stupid? Come on now. Oil and water, self. Oil and water.

**

I still love this exchange:

Veronica: What's your poison?
Logan: Emotionally unavailable women.

Mel, we need to find hot guys to play with.

But wait, where to find hot guys in Singapore ah? Oh right. That'd be an Impossible Attempt. (Um, forgive the stupid criminal law reference.)

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010