erase and rewind.
written: 5:15 p.m. on Friday, Jun. 09, 2006

And I'm also bitter about the fact that Singapore pretty much shot whatever proficiency I had in Chinese to hell, when I could've had a chance to get to know the language properly in a country that uses it as its official language - nevermind that Taiwan isn't technically a country, or that 50% of its inhabitants speak it horrendously (I'm looking at you, Chen Shui-bian). It also doesn't help, either, that Singapore can't pronounce English words correctly/properly, and as a result I'm unfortunately stuck with the local accent - which is a crappy one, if you want my honest opinion. I'm not talking about Singlish, just the way we pronounce certain words, with the stress on all the wrong places. (Have I mentioned that I actually think in proper English? For some reason when I open my mouth to speak the words come out all warped and horrible.)

Maybe I subconsciously think that English sucks and that Chinese is, like, a totally superior language, but for whatever reason I can say with confidence that I would drop everything now and move to Taipei and never come back. Because I feel like I'm at a point of my life where I have to make sense of who I am, to figure things out, so that I can move forward. And being stuck here...isn't helping things at all.

Look, it's complicated. I suppose I just feel the same way I felt in secondary school, that there's more to life than what's in front of me - that there's a whole world out there, one that is moving quickly and leaving us behind. There is, quite simply, more...and I want to be a part of it.

Ah, the perils of living in a puny-ass country. You'd never quite feel like the things you have are good enough. After some time the things you thought were enough to keep you around fail to impress you anymore.

I don't know what it is I'm looking for. I'm pretty sure Taipei has it.

**

If I could stop feeling this way, I would. You have no idea how sometimes I just want to hit something when I'm sitting in a food court and the mother at the table next to me is speaking in crappy English to her kid. It drives me nuts and I keep wondering, Why the hell can't the people here speak properly? We get everything wrong and it's not an issue for everyone else but it's a major, major issue for me. Taipei gave me a reprieve from such horrors and I didn't mind being the moron who couldn't speak Mandarin properly, who couldn't pronounce the Chinese equivalent of "hazelnut", who didn't understand salesgirls when they were telling me that the polo t-shirt I was interested in wasn't tailored to fit one's bodily curves. I thought I would die from being unable to speak English there, but I've never felt more in tuned with who I am than when I was there.

Therefore, it may be a while before I can fully get on with my life. If I do at all.

**

I was at Scotts with my mom on Tuesday and I had to get coffee before my 3 o'clock lack-of-caffeine headache kicked in. The nearest cafe that serves decent coffee was Coffee Bean at Level One. So I went in, stared at the menu, trying to decide what I wanted (I'm officially over ice-blended stuff). In the end I still couldn't decide so I just read out a random item on the menu.

It was something along the lines of mocha/vanilla latte. I went, "Mocha/vanilla latte", like a real moron.

The guy taking my order went, "Mocha or vanilla?"

Hahaha. I was like, "Oh it's an either/or?" I'm rolling my eyes at my bone-headedness as I'm typing this.

The guy was like, Yeah. So I chose vanilla because I didn't like Coffee Bean's mocha stuff. Or, well, I don't like mocha in general anymore. The guy did the usual Coffee Bean stuff by asking for my name. I spelled it out and thought that was it, but the guy confused me by going on to ask for my phone number.

For a split second I thought, Why does he need my phone number? I must've looked confused or something along those lines, because before I could even say anything the guy recanted and went, "Just kidding."

Then it hit me. God, I'm stupid. I wasn't in a foul or bitchy mood that day so I just laughed awkwardly and pretended nothing happened.

Needless to say, the guy wasn't cute. Like, at all. There was, however, this totally cute guy in Taipei who was checking me out but fate would have it that I had to leave him behind. He plays in a band and everything, has big eyes and nice pale/white/fair skin. Like, how hot is that?

Sometimes, I really suspect that I have lost, would lose, or am going to lose my mind.

Anyway, I was out with Mag on Wednesday and we watched X-Men: The Last Stand. It was pretty good and I still find Wolverine dead sexy. Mag is in love with Warren/The Winged Dude and she couldn't stop gushing about him after the show, which was damn funny. We had lunch at NYDC and we shared an earl grey elephancinno (I can't spell) and a free mudpie. The last time I had NYDC's mudpie, I kind of hated it and so I never had another. But since my debit card gave us a free one...ultimately, that mudpie was awesome.

We ran into a couple of people from law while at NYDC. One of them, well, was working there as a waitress. She was smiling a bit too much for a waitress showing customers to appropriate tables and Mag thought she was the victim of one of Mag's friends' teasings. Mag asked her why she smiled so much and it turned out that the girl is a fellow law school-er, and in year 1 too. I thought she looked vaguely familiar too. Apparently she found me familiar. Haha. Mag was like, Looks like we're not total nobodies in law school after all.

I went, I feel validated.

Hahaha.

On a more serious note, I can't wait to get out of law school and get on with my life.

I'm mostly over the Warwick thing. Just, yeah, forget it.

Re. the current look. I took that picture in Danshui.

Speaking of Taipei, I took about three days to write about my first two days there. I don't think anyone would find my Taipei entries awfully interesting because they detail the mundane stuff, which are more for me to remember than other people to read. You know? So, yeah. I will post them when I'm done with all the stuff I have to do.

My English sucks. I don't really care.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010