love, truncated.
written: 6:15 p.m. on Monday, Nov. 20, 2006

The latest episode of Veronica Mars is nothing short of mind-blowing. It feels like old school VM again, where you're on the edge of your seat, dying to know what the hell is going on, and you yell out loud more than twice at your laptop screen because you can't take the mortal danger in which the character(s) is/are in, and you feel a lump in your throat because the titular character's emotional distress is something to which you can fully relate. Action, suspense, plot advancement, continuity, and heart. It took seven episodes for Season 3 to get the show back on track, but it's finally back on track and once again I'm in love with it. When the episode ended I sat in my chair, dazed, mouth partially hanging open, unable to digest the brilliance that I just saw.

"I can't believe this is happening to me again." It's one simple sentence and yet it encapsulates so damn much - the throw-back to Veronica's Season 1 backstory, the partially-drugged 'oh fuck' moment of realisation as the implications of her disoriented state of mind finally sinks in, and the warning signs going off in the viewer's mind as he clues in to what is about to happen. The threat of a repeat of what happened to her at Shelly Pomroy's party is so dangerously close, it's only a few metres away, and I barely wanted to watch what was about to unfold because I was so damn afraid that something bad was going to happen.

Of course, it took me that long to realise why they had that close-up on her unattended drink. Like, duh, Yelen, slow on the uptake much? But my cluelessness was worth it because it was just so suspenseful and scary and heart-stoppingly good, what occurred after that, and I was even semi-afraid that Logan wouldn't get to her in time, that he'd just turn back and walk away when the alarm on her car was switched off by the rapist dude. Maybe the whole Logan to the rescue! thing would get old after a while but right now, I'm totally loving every single second of it. It's just so sweet.

Loved the Logan/Veronica scene in the presidential suite. The acting was top-notch. When Veronica said, "I'm not built that way", it felt like the most honest thing she's said in quite a while. And it's so true, and that's why I love her - all her trust issues, her jadedness, her wanting to believe in fidelity and love. And it was so completely heartbreaking when she confronted her dad about his affair with Harmony. The reference to her mom and Jake Kane (OMG Season 1!) must have been the moment of realisation for her dad, but more importantly, her response to Keith's line about how she cannot be so jaded was just...well, it was just heartbreaking. He was her bright, shiny example of the goodness of men, and his affair with a married woman pretty much ruined it. Oh, I so loved that scene. It gave me a huge lump in my throat.

This is the first time since Season 2's finale that I'm writing about a Veronica Mars episode. I'm so happy my show is FINALLY back.

This isn't about anyone in particular; I'm merely responding to Tingren's latest entry (very well-written, by the way, and sad).

Whenever guys are in picture, things get a bit more complicated than they should be. The ideal situation would be to go through this life without getting into romantic and/or sexual entanglements, but the human being is built in such a way that, no matter how hard one tries to resist, such entanglements are inherently inevitable. I wish I could find some other language to describe it, but the most honest way of coating it is thus: It fucking sucks.

The entire concept of love being blind may not be as an empty a cliche as I'd like to believe it is. Even if I'm not using the word 'love' in its strictest meaning, its various permutations - like, lust, like tinged with lust, lust tinged with like, whatever - also fit the bill. Your feelings for a person blind you to his faults and his flaws, including characteristics that were once deal-breakers. You're willing to overlook traits and qualities that he possesses which repulsed you in the past, just because you see one amazing thing in him. And it makes me wonder: Does the good really outweigh the bad, or are you just being wilfully blind?

And yet, despite this nagging concern at the back of your head, you can't resist the present anyway. He's here, now, wanting you, and he makes you laugh and makes you feel wanted, so conveniently filling up the gap in your life, and being with him makes the rest of the world disappear, fade into oblivion; being with him is a whole new experience because he's not like any other guy you've ever met. You don't stop to think if it's worth it because you're ruled by your emotions and impulses, and so you jump ahead anyway even if you can visualise in your head how exactly it will end.

It's not just you Tingren, it's all of us. We may not be going through the exact same thing, but the gist is more or less there. It makes me wonder why we bother, why we continue to insist throwing ourselves back at the starting point even though our history has proven that there's nothing waiting for us at the end of the journey but pain and negativity. The most logical explanation? It's an addiction. And that's heart-breakingly tragic.

Sometimes I think I'm so jaded that I can't bear to do this shit to myself anymore. Put my heart on the table and feel like shit when it gets trampled upon, again and again. Or: Like a guy for ten seconds and have him fall for me, and then turn around after I've had my fun and hurt him completely. It sucks either way (but I have to say the former sucks a lot more) and sometimes I do think I'd rather just go on with my life, peacefully and fuss-free. I have all these issues and I'm convinced no guy in his right mind would want to deal with them, and so it follows that when I reveal who I really am to a guy who thinks he wants to be with me, he'd run as far as he can in the opposite direction. I don't believe in much, and I believe whole-heartedly in that.

I also believe in my own dysfunctionality. I wonder why I haven't learnt at all, why I keep inviting punishment, why I continue to bait innocent guys who don't deserve the shit that I have a 50% chance of pulling. I can't fathom the concept of the long-term. All I see is now, what's right in front of me, and I can't lie to myself and I can't lie to the other person anymore. In the first place there's no other person, but even if there were, I wouldn't know what to do.

Maybe, if I met someone amazing enough, I could try. But as it stands, that person hasn't materialised yet, and because I'm me, I believe, too, that he won't materialise, ever.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010