in need of a clean slate.
written: 3:37 p.m. on Thursday, Dec. 28, 2006

Oh. My. God. Chao leng!

And the cold weather totally doesn't help any.

**

The cold weather doesn't help any. I need swimming again in my life. I ate two Pepperidge Farm soft-baked dark chocolate brownie cookies at 12 midnight - the first time I succumbed to random stabs of hunger at 12 in the morning ever since I embarked on losing weight. Call me obsessed, and this serial weight-watcher will tell you that she will die before she piles back on the kilos.

The perpetually cold weather is getting old. It really is. It's still helping me deal with my moodiness but it's not supposed to be this way, not anymore. You grow older and you're supposed to change but sometimes you're still the same person, the same immature 18-year-old and you don't really learn anything at all. It's all about you, isn't it? Go ahead and make everything about yourself, nevermind that it involves other people too.

I wish I could change.

I wish I could stop being me. The perpetual screw-up.

**

I currently weigh 50 kilos. Hopefully the bathroom scale in the hotel room in Bangkok wasn't too inaccurate.

Looks like the target weight of 48 kilos I half-jokingly said I wanted isn't that much of an impossibility after all. Now, all I gotta do is to stop eating so damn much and start swimming again.

I can't believe I ate two cookies at 12 midnight. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Cold weather + fucking bad mood = bingeing. FUCK.

Well, me brought it upon meself because me is an utter moron so I guess I have no one but myself to blame.

**

The things you told me still have some trouble going down the throat. They stick going down, you see. Like being force-fed meat after six years of not eating meat.

Maybe you're right. And that's exactly what I'm afraid of.

**

I miss Bangkok.

I miss Taipei even more.

I just want to get out of this place, out of my life, and start anew elsewhere where no one knows me and I'm anonymous and have the world at my feet and a blank canvas to start over again.

**

I missed my coming-of-age and now I'm doing futile, desperate catching-up.

Right now, I just want to die.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010