this is total madness.
written: 9:23 a.m. on Friday, Jun. 29, 2007

The truth is, I didn't wake up early; there's no way in hell I could wake up early enough to be relatively clear-minded at 9.23 in the morning. The truth is, I didn't sleep at all!

Like, wow. The dry cough I had therefore morphed into full-fledged sore throat and some phlegm has decided to join in on the fun. How totally exciting. I pulled an all-nighter talking on the phone until it was nearly 7. Then I tried to sleep but for some reason I felt super energised, so I decided to wake my brother up for school (and it was HILARIOUS because my brother's hair was all messy and shit, HAHAHA), then I decided to ride in the car when my mom drove him to school, then my mother needed to go to the market so I went to the market for the first time ever in Singapore.

How exciting. I even bought breakfast, a box of mifen, and now I feel sick and bloated because I don't eat breakfast...or rather, I can't eat breakfast because I'm not awake to eat breakfast. I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I think I will catch some sleep later.

My grandparents and my two cousins are coming today and everyone is squeezing into my tiny-ass apartment. I'll have to give up my room tonight. Great. Very tempted to bunk in with a friend but uh, don't really like the idea of meeting friend's parents. And I don't know anyone who lives alone.

I am sick. I feel horrible. Sleeping is difficult because the urge to cough hits me virtually ten seconds and nothing gets coughed up 'cause there is nothing to cough up, and I don't even want to talk right now. It hurts to talk. I really shouldn't have stayed up all night talking, especially not when I was coughing into my receiver every ten seconds. Bleah.

I love my friends. I don't think I could have survived last night without them. Something completely horrible went down last night and when the implication of said horrible event finally hit me, I started shaking and crying and semi-hyperventilating, nearly crumbling into pieces, momentarily not knowing who I was. I'm not as tough as I thought I was, and neither am I as smart as I'd like to believe. It's time to face up to that.

Sometimes, all you need in a particularly vulnerable moment is someone to talk to - someone who knows you inside out, someone whom you're completely comfortable with, someone who would be there for you no matter what. It may not be apparent but when I do manage to get over myself, I am thankful for the people in my life, every single one of them.

Also, I just have this to say before I collapse on the nearest bed: I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I make the same mistake twice. I make the same devastating, unforgivable, catastrophic mistake twice. And I have no excuse, except - I am not perfect. And I don't mean to hurt anyone. And I try my best; I honestly do try my best.

And yes, the truck has left me for dead and I can't think anymore so I think I'll go collapse on the nearest bed now.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010