nonsense.
written: 4:16 p.m. on Saturday, Jan. 12, 2008

And it's also the gray skies, too. I used to like the rain but I've realised how utterly inconvenient it is, especially yesterday when it poured all of a sudden and I got caught in the rain from my car to my lobby because there wasn't an umbrella in the car. I'm feeling rather moody, slightly down, because I don't know what I've done at all this holidays and I'm not really in the mood for the new semester to start. Opening my mailbox yesterday was enough to give me a heart attack - a set of 400-odd pages of readings for Comparative Criminal Law. I'm going to die. And the readings for Wednesday's International Law and Asia class is enormously non-exhaustive. I also don't understand why PDF notes are uploaded on IVLE instead of printed, like everything else is. Saving money? Gimme a break. We're NUS Faculty of Law. No one else (that I know of) gets mailboxes except us. I think that speaks for itself.

The worst part about school is not having your usual friends around. Ruishan and I have no classes in common, but one semester together. How pathetic is that? So very sian, so very sian. I'm also not very fond of the idea of being in school from 12 to 6 on Wednesday, but if I don't stay in school, where am I going to go? I have no idea too. How utterly tiring. And I need my Comparative Legal Traditions notebook back from Kenneth; I suspect there are some Islamic Law fundamentals in there that might be useful. Three PDFs uploaded in the Islamic Law workbin which I've downloaded but not looked at. Arghhhh I don't want to go back to school! I should've gone clubbing this week. Sigh.

Anyway, despite my back-to-school blues, I suppose this week has been good. I'm watching my fourth consecutive movie tonight, Eastern Promises, with Marcus. Good luck to me, because someone died from having his eyes stabbed out which means it's a hugely violent movie which means I'm going to spend half of it hiding behind my hands. I can't watch violence anymore. You're supposed to become more and more desensitised as you age but for me, it's the opposite. I couldn't watch the scene in Lust, Caution in which the gang of utter morons collectively stabbed that one dude to death. I think if I'd known that Eastern Promises was some bloody (ooh pun) violent film, I wouldn't have randomly and enthusiastically mentioned to Marcus one night that I wanted to watch it. But it's Viggo Mortensen who's totally hot, but still. I don't know.

This week, I watched:

My Blueberry Nights on Wednesday
Michael Clayton on Thursday
Reservation Road on Friday

Yes, I love movies. It's also not my fault that all the good stuff are coming out around this period. I must watch The Assassination of Jesse James (I think) by the Coward Whatever His Name Is, as well as I'm Not There, Into the Wild, 3.10 to Yuma, Sweeney Todd. Among other things. Not to forget: School is starting. I have night classes every day until February 11. Even after I end my intensives I still have three modules to slave over. And I'm in Year 3 Semester 2. I don't have much time left. And I hardly watch anything during term time so I think I should jolly well watch whatever I want to while I still can.

I think maybe I just need to get out of this country and the stiflingly puny social circle that I meander around. Every new person you meet isn't exactly new; you end up finding out that he knows a friend, or a friend of a friend, or a friend's boyfriend, or knows someone from your school. I think it's rather tiring. It's rather dull. I don't know. I feel damn sian. I have to write Law IV but I don't feel like doing it at the moment and I don't know how to go about doing it anyway. Should I shower? I'm too lazy. I'd come home and shower again anyway so what's the point?

I think I'm taking the car later. Marcus had the car last night and I must say, having someone pick me up from my house was damn nice. Every guy should have a licence, otherwise don't bother going out with girls. But he's not getting the car today and I'm really in no mood for fucking public transport so I'll just drive. Yeah. I'm still not really used to ferrying someone else around - the mere thought makes my stress level shoot all the way up. Not to mention the car is almost out of gas so I'll have to top it up later and I'm going to be utterly clueless because I've never done it before (and I've never paid attention to what my parents do), and the cash card is almost out of cash too. Great. Not to mention I can't speed and brake haphazardly when there's another person in the car. All the liberties I take with safety when I'm driving myself - all of them go out of the window when someone else's life is at stake.

Oh, and not to mention Parking. I have no idea what the Cathay's car park is like and yes I'm quite scared of multi-storey car parks with two-directional ramps. Well, at least parking is only $1 per hour.

Also, late night scribblings onto Microsoft Word, the need to write That Story even though it's incoherent, half made-up, and interesting to no one else but me. It probably wouldn't ever be read by anyone else but me. But it has to be written. Even if I'm getting your perspective completely wrong, it has to be written, completed.

But you know what? I'm also too lazy. Ah, well.

I'm not sure how much of my parents' delusion about their daughter's charisma and whatever high qualities whatever bullshit I should buy into, how much of it is healthy in order for me to maintain a realistic view of myself. Parents tend to exaggerate. Other people tend to make assumptions, most of which are not true. But you get influenced anyway, by your parents and by other people's assumptions. Therefore, as if it's not obvious enough, I'm really not a very modest person at all.

Last night Marcus jokingly asked, "So you think you're hot is it?" (That was after I said "yes I know" to him saying that I would look nice with earrings. That was after I said, sleepily, that I thought guys with pierced ears are hot.)

I said, without missing a beat, "Of course."

Actually, not really. I have my insecure moments too. Maybe they occur less frequently than normal, but I have them too. But it doesn't mean anyone needs to know. And I've learned that it's all in the mind. It's not about what you wear, but how you wear it. Maybe right now that doesn't ring as true because I feel damn sian. Damn sian. School, graduation, work, death. That's it. Can you blame me, really? Singapore is really a very small country.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010