a bit of an update.
written: 9:24 p.m. on Friday, Feb. 29, 2008

I haven't updated lately because there hasn't been much to say. Surely whining about my face will get old after a while - and indeed, the thought of whining about my face all the time made me extremely irritated, hence the lack of updates.

In the midst of trying to function with half a face I somehow managed to squeeze out 4872 words for that shit-assed Infocoms paper, which I somehow managed to submit an hour before the deadline. Needless to say, though, it is complete shit. It was my first and final draft; I didn't even bother reading it over after I finished the last sentence; I didn't even bother writing a conclusion because that would cause me to exceed the word limit (5000) and I didn't want to look at it AT ALL which I would have needed to do to reduce the word count; and best of all, I had like, seven footnotes in total.

See what I meant yesterday by 'worst paper ever'? It didn't help, at all, that because of the stupid Palsy, my left eye cannot blink and so it waters every other second. I have to remove my glasses when that happens and manually blink it, which takes up a lot more time than you'd think. Not only that, for some strange reason I feel extremely tired all the time. Staring at my computer obviously wears me out - the eyes get tired, which then makes the head tired, and when that happens I lie down and, of course, don't sleep. How the hell can I sleep when I have freaking work undone?

And the cherry on top? I can't sleep at night. I've read online that it's the side effects of the steroids I'm on, but hell, it's just annoying like you wouldn't believe. And when I finally felt like I got a good night's sleep, I had to wake up at 8 a.m. to complete my bloody paper.

At least the paper's out of the way, right? Right. Right. All I've got to tackle now: Law IV script due tomorrow night (sorry but argh I'm so tired of looking at it), Chinese assignment due next Friday, Comparative Crim presentation on Thursday for which I haven't prepared, and Islamic Law take-home exam next Friday. Next Friday is also my next appointment with the neurologist I saw on Monday, and I already know that if it goes badly, my Islamic Law will be fucked.

Today's the moodiest I've felt over the past three days. Maybe it's PMS but I'm just incredibly annoyed at this whole situation. My face has remained exactly the same since the last we spoke and naturally I'm paranoid that I'm going to be one of the rare few for whom this shit doesn't get better. I know it's about patience, but - SERIOUSLY. Since when has patience ever been one of my virtues? I just want my face to be normal again. I cannot imagine how I'm going to live the rest of my life with my face gone.

Okay, rant over.

On another but related note, because my left eye can't close, I can't wear contacts anymore. Surprisingly wearing glasses to school (I was on school on Tuesday and Wednesday for a couple of hours and I almost died of exhaustion - I don't know how I'm going to make it through three-hour seminars next week) wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be. In fact, I decided that I look pretty kick-ass in glasses, so what the hell. Of course, I would much prefer to wear glasses in public by choice, but since I don't have the luxury of choice at the moment, I shall just take what I can get.

Also, my bangs are gone. No, I didn't get a haircut. I suppose I could sweep them back down if I wanted to, but I've been sweeping them to the left because my left eye can't blink and it can't protect itself against any irritation caused by loose hair falling over the eyes. And loose hair falls over the eyes a lot. I'm not sure why I choose to sweep the fringe to the left, the affected side, but it's worked so far so what the hell.

And throughout all of this - it's Day 9 of this bloody affliction as we speak - issues that bothered me before I woke up with my face missing have more or less ceased to matter. I realise, quite plainly, that I really don't need a guy. I wondered if it would be better if, for instance, the ex-boyfriend and I never broke up, and that it would be better if I had him to console me. Of course, he won't be physically here, since he's like, on exchange and stuff. And you know what? The answer is just no, plain and simple. What about another guy? Uh, once again, the answer is no. I won't even say that it would be nice because it's really immaterial to me. At first I thought it would help, but as the days went on, it became clear that I still don't need a boyfriend figure in my life, someone to fawn over me constantly and, I dunno, shower me with love and affection and whatever else. I mean, my mom does that every day and too much attention paid to my face backfires after a while. Mostly I just want to be left alone to do nothing and wait it out until this gets better - whenever that decides to happen.

But that's quite immaterial too. In fact, a lot of things are quite immaterial. Grades, for one. What's the use of trying to get a good grade when your face is half-fucked? Guys, for another. Why think about guys at all when your face is half-fucked? Maybe this isn't the epiphany I'm supposed to have, and perhaps I might change my mind, but I just cannot survive without my face intact. For some reason, as long as my face remains like this, frozen on the left as if someone drew a line down the middle of my face, everything just seems trivial to me. I don't feel like making plans, I don't feel like making dates, I just want to stay home and stone. And I can honestly say that I never appreciated what I had (have?) until it's half-gone. Temporarily. Hopefully temporarily.

The neurologist said that I shouldn't expect to see any changes in my face for two weeks counting from the onset of the paralysis. Two weeks isn't long in the grander scheme of things, but I just wish that I'd wake up one morning and find that this entire ordeal has been one long, drawn-out nightmare. But every day I wake up with a piece of tape over my left eye (to keep it shut), my mouth hanging open, and the reality hits me once more. I'm no good at the waiting game; when I want things to happen, I want them to happen instantly. And I want my face to heal - now. But that's not going to happen, at least not immediately and instantly.

And so what options do I have? I could continue to whine and bitch about it (kinda like what I'm doing right now), be all moody and shit over it (kinda like how I feel right now), or I could try to overcome it and smile (metaphorically) through it all. I'm half afraid of going to school for real as I don't think it's going to be fun to get weird stares from people and then to explain to people that I know what happened to me. Still, it has to be done, and do it, I will, and through it all I will be a stronger person because I will come out of it with my head held high. So there.

Lastly, a major heartfelt thanks to each and every one of you out there who left me encouraging messages and emails and SMSes and phone calls (especially the calls from Manchester!). You guys have no idea how much they meant to me.

before sunrise // before sunset

- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
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