Watch all the bitterness burn.
written: 9:16 p.m. on Monday, Jun. 30, 2008

Anyway, either it hasn't sunk in yet that I'm going to have to apply for pupillage next Monday no matter what, or I really am not bothered, for whatever reason, to start preparing my documents and whatever. In the first place I still don't know where I'm applying to besides the obvious choices and if I'm being honest, I'd say that I don't really want to apply at all. It's not so much a matter of the nature of the job as it is about the fact that it's a job. It just doesn't seem real that it's really happening, that I'd be working this time next year, that I'm really going to do this.

I don't know. It will be okay and it's not the profession I'm dreading but the fact that I have to work and I don't want to work because it all seems too much, too soon, too fast, like it was only yesterday that I entered law school and found myself drowning spectacularly. No matter what, though, and cheesy as it sounds, I think the new theme on which my life will vary is "never say never". (Confession: Not that this phrase is new or ground-breaking, but it got stuck in my head after David was all, "Never say never" when he was asked if he'd ever date a fan. Why do I know these things? Ugh.)

If you think about it, my life encapsulates Never Say Never. The fact that I've done 3 years in law school and that I'm on the verge of entering the profession despite never wanting to be a lawyer or have anything to do with the law at any point at all before March 4, 2005 (date of release of A Level results), and I'm talking about impossible and innocently naive childhood ambitions of wanting to be a doctor/lawyer which I never harboured. Hence, Never Say Never.

It's one thing to keep your options open, but quite another to be led blindly by the nose down paths that are seemingly a given purely by virtue of the environment you're in. It's also one thing to recognise this, but quite another to have the courage to draw a clear line in the sand and say, "Enough is enough."

I still want the same things that I want. Whatever happens in the next five years is a mere means to an end. Maybe I don't believe in the things that I thought I believed in anymore, because I don't care what I do as long as I milk it for all it's worth - monetarily. If I'm going to do this - and I am - then I'm going to get the highest possible returns I can get out of it. Is it sad that this was kind of the only way I eventually talked myself into seeing this whole law thing through calmly?

Oh, I don't know. But one thing's for sure: After Europe (or three cities and one island in Europe), I'm more convinced than ever that I cannot stay in this country because it will choke me and stifle me and I don't want to be limited by it. People from neighbouring Southeast Asian countries and China and India and so on come to Singapore to find better opportunities in hopes of securing a better future. I'm looking to leave for truly cosmopolitan, international cities to find opportunities that this country cannot offer me in hopes of securing the future that I want for myself. It's not a matter of a "better" future because whatever future I get here will not be bad; it's really about getting what I want, when I want it, and not settling for anything less.

Also, I realised that the whole New York thing wasn't about the city per se, but about what it represented. I must say that I loved London so much that I'd kill to live there, so now I just need to visit New York and see which city I prefer. So yeah, time to rob a bank?

On another note, NUS mailed me a letter. Initially I thought it was my exam results - then I realised that NUS (retardedly and stingily) has stopped mailing us a hard copy of our results. My mom opened it, read it, and got all excited.

That was when I found out that I received The Letter. Three years of law school, two of which were spent hearing about The Letter but never receiving it because my grades never warranted it, and I received The Letter when half the cohort was on exchange.

Wah, what a great honour. My parents were way more excited than I was and I...wasn't very excited at all. It's cool and everything, but in a warped kind of way, it seems a bit insulting. Maybe I just think too highly of myself, but getting The Letter only when half the cohort was on exchange? Uh, yeah, I'm not really down with that, sorry.

Yes, on the bright side, it's better than never getting it at all, but the writing will be on the wall if/when it happens again at the end of Year 4 (or whatever happens at the end of Year 4). Since I'm looking on the bright side, yay I did what I said I'd do! And trust me, getting what you want never, ever gets old.

(For those who have no idea what I'm talking about: The Letter = letter sent by the faculty to students who made the top 50% of their cohort. Yay. This is actually significant because it makes all the difference between a 2-1 and a 2-2. And I freaking want a 2-1 because I want to do a Masters, dammit.)

On a completely unrelated note, oh my god, I'm friends with Carly Smithson on MySpace?!/1?!/!!1!one!!1!

Okay I'm thirty minutes to Lost and I need to email someone about some pupillage matters, so um...will write about Athens when 1) I next have time; and 2) I next feel like doing it. Which is, obviously, not now.

Wait, in shallow news, I trimmed my hair today and bought a new skirt from Zara. Speaking of Zara, freaking Zara in Singapore is more expensive than Zara in Paris/Europe. I saw this striped top in Paris and I saw the same top in Singapore, on sale, and the price is the freaking same after converting the euros. WAH LAU. I also bought this green skirt from Zara in Paris (I typed Para - HAHAHAH Para = Paris Zara. OK whatever) and I saw it today at Vivo City. It was on sale! Fortunately/unfortunately, I cannot remember how much I bought it for in Paris. Arghhhh.

I love my new old hair, by the way. Totally made of win. It's quite artificially straight now though 'cause of the blow-drying and I realise I don't like how unnatural it looks, so I'm never going to rebond my hair. It's not my thang, yo.

I also bought a dress from the Mango sale when I went shopping with Mel last, like, Thursday.

I love shiny new clothes. <3

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010