Incomprehensible.
written: 10:50 p.m. on Monday, Aug. 25, 2008

I left school today feeling completely drained, as if I just had the life sucked out of me. It wouldn't actually be that much of a stretch of the truth, if I may say so. I can't reiterate enough how utterly taxing and plainly inhumane it is to be in school from 9 a.m. to 9.30 p.m. It got to a point where I didn't want to do anything at all during my 12 to 3 break except sit in the canteen and laugh at Tris' drama queen antics. Seriously. I'm so glad I'm graduating.

Also, the Dean's Office called me at an opportune time of When I Was In UN Law Class asking me about my extra four creds. I initially wanted to overload this semester, until I didn't get my top six modules and I didn't want to take anything that was left over 'cause nothing appealed to me. I thought I didn't have to notify them of my change of heart until I received an email informing me of my insufficient credits after add/drop and that I had to choose one from the list by 3 p.m. today. I didn't want to choose one, so I emailed them and stated my position. In class today the office called me and I pretty much left the room in the hurry while Prof S was talking about Kosovo 1999, which was utterly rude but I knew it was the office 'cause the same thing happened last Friday when I was in Law, Governance and Development in Asia.

Long story cut short, they wanted to give me notice of the fact that the school doesn't advise students to overload in their final semester, just in case they fail a module and can't graduate. The way TCC was putting it to me made it sound like something really major and actually plausible might happen, like...I don't know, she was talking about how students may not be able to cope, blah blah blah, and I didn't really understand what she meant. So I went, "You mean I might fail a module is it?"

She answered in the affirmative and it was all I could do not to open my mouth and say, "Uh, I'm not going to fail any modules."

Because...yeah. No one fails anything in law school. I know I'm a shitty student, but not really to that extent, thanks. In fact? Not to that extent at all. So, yeah, I went, "Oh all right, I understand. I still want to overload next semester." And that was that.

And about Kosovo 1999, I bought a CD in benefit of the humanitarian crisis way back then. Many well-known bands contributed to the CD. I can't remember a single one at the moment and needless to say, I never listened to the CD. I also remember going on forums and reading posts by Americans bashing NATO for intervening without UN authorisation (though I doubt I understood it in so many words back then) and somehow that shaped my perspective of the whole situation. And now? I have no opinion. I have no idea. I fail at life.

I also didn't know at all that the US' original justification for invading Iraq again (okay, some call it an invasion, others an...intervention? I dunno, whatevs) was actually based on some whacked argument about Iraq's violation of a Security Council resolution passed in, like, 1991, Resolution 687, which was a ceasefire resolution meant to end the Resolution 678 authorisation of the use of force ("all necessary means" if you want to euphemise it, and the UN did) in Iraq after Saddam invaded Kuwait. All along I thought the US invaded Iraq because 1) Bush wanted to avenge his dad; 2) they wanted oil and thus the initial naming of the operation as "Operation Iraqi Liberation" (actually, I dunno if this is true or an urban legend) but they changed it to Freedom 'cause Liberation was too obvious; 3) they wanted to get rid of Saddam; and 4) they thought Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Blah blah blah. Whatever. The Iraq war still sucks.

Wow, that was just totally oozing with intelligence and acute analysis.

**

On another note, it's kind of scary to discover that you're really not as smart as you think you are. For all your intelligence, sometimes you can be so utterly stupid. Not just once, but twice, and again, again, again. You only look tough, but...you're not.

And I don't think I'll ever understand the kind of girls who are comfortable with their own sexuality. Maybe the average girl wants to be desired, maybe an average-looking girl wishes she can be desired or can be looked upon as some sort of sex symbol. But whenever I'm pushed into that kind of position due to whatever reasons, I just feel fucking weird. There is no other way to put it. I feel uncomfortable and violated and I just don't see myself that way and I don't see how anyone could see me in that sort of light. It's just Fucking Weird. In fact, I don't really like my face at all if I'm being honest (too fucking round wah lau) and I always bitch about being fat (which I genuinely believe, though I probably shouldn't) so the very idea that someone could think I have a good figure, to say the least, is just...I can't even understand that idea on a fundamental level because there is no logical space in my mind where that idea could remotely have any substance whatsoever. I don't think I take good pictures at all and when I do look nice in a picture, it's usually the exception rather than the norm.

I don't know. It's just irritating. It'd be nice to agree with Them, but I don't. I don't know what you're talking about and I still hate being made to feel like little more than a sex object.

And I don't think I brought any of it upon myself at all. I don't even dress provocatively for fuck's sake, and the only time more parts of my body are exposed is when I'm downstairs swimming or at the beach - and even then, I DON'T WEAR A BIKINI.

Okay, I've kind of lost the plot. I don't know if it's better to be completely unaware or to have some knowledge of it but live it with awkwardly and uncomfortably. I was at a stage when I was completely unaware and I almost walked myself straight into a potentially disastrous situation. Now I'm at a stage where I'm aware but sometimes I think I'd rather not know. Ignorance is bliss, right? Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm too egoistic for my own good, but whenever a random guy comes up and talk to me the first thing I think of is, "He's hitting on me." If he gets too close, and I don't have a very high threshold for what "too close" means, I'd think, "He wants to bone me." In my mind, guys have no pure intentions anymore. It's beyond the point when I get ego boosts from such shit; sometimes I'm offended, other times I feel dirty, and mostly I'm just annoyed.

Yeah, I know, some members of the opposite sex seem to find me attractive, oh my god, life is so hard. I'm sorry if I'm pissing anyone off bemoaning my whatever it's called but I just feel so frustrated sometimes, not knowing when to let my guard down, when to keep it all the way up. On the one hand, you don't want to be presumptuous and assume the guy's hitting on you; on the other, WHAT IF HE REALLY IS HITTING ON YOU, and you have zero interest in reciprocating? You don't want to be rude for no reason but sometimes situations just beg a curt, dismissive response.

Well, on a more positive note though, it hasn't been all bad and I'm sure it's brought me benefits that I'm not aware of. But I still can't find a way to co-exist peacefully with my apparent sexuality, and I still cannot get over the initial mistrust of strange guys who randomly talk to me on the streets. Is it wrong that I automatically assume they either want to date me or fuck me or both? Am I just so egotistical that I can't even interpret it in other ways? Am I supposed to feel flattered when I get comments along the lines of, "You should totally pose for FHM!"? Because...ew?! Seriously.

You know, I've always thought I had a pretty liberal worldview on issues relating to sex and casual sex and whatever. But increasingly I'm discovering that I'm actually a big, fat prude. Is it because I'm not comfortable in my own skin? Is it because my parents are conservative and I know they'd be ashamed of me if I were to behave otherwise? Is it my own morals or are they my parents'? Theoretically I don't really have a problem with behaving in a manner that isn't strictly conservative or traditional; but if I were to actually do it, the most inroads I'd make into the territory is probably to think about it, then quickly dismiss the idea. But if I don't find it morally objectionable, it must be the parents that is stopping me and giving me pause. How do I go home and face them and pretend I'm still the same daughter they raised when I'm actually not, right?

I have no idea if any of this made sense at all. And I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. Never mind.

**

On another note, I will never understand why people apply make-up. It is SUCH a fucking bitch to clean off. I swear, I'd die happy if I never have to wear make-up ever again in my life, and what the hell is the point if I actually look worse with make-up than without, i.e. like a fucking drag queen? I was trying to get the gunk off my eyelids and I got make-up remover into my eyes and it stung like hell. And for some reason my entire face started burning when I was rubbing the remover onto my skin in a bid - desperate - to remove the junk. OH MY GAD. It felt so raw and blotchy afterwards which means I'm either allergic to the remover or I'm allergic to the make-up. Either way, it was decidedly unpleasant. And that's putting it really mildly.

Also? Blue eyeshadow is the worst colour of eyeshadow. EVER.

**

I need to take out my contacts. I wish I had the money to wear dailies guilt-free but...too expensive. And they dry up my eyes way faster than monthlies. But oh, how horrendous the hassle of cleaning them is! Because it is.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010