The art of ungratefulness.
written: 4:50 p.m. on Saturday, Sept. 06, 2008

He's playing Novak Djokovic whom I cannot stand so I hope he wipes the court with Djokovic's immature, petulant ass and finish him off in straight sets. Nadal's playing Murray and is, more likely than not, going to win. OH MY GOD FEDERER VS NADAL WILL GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK I SWEAR. IT REALLY WILL.

Speaking of Nadal, I am very amused by his OCD tendencies. I noticed during the gold medal Olympics match that he had this strange way of putting down his bottles after taking a drink. Normal people put down their water bottles without even looking at it or giving it a second thought; Nadal, on the other hand, took great pains to gingerly put it down, then making sure that they were in the exact position that he wanted. Then the camera caught him eating a banana during one of the US Open matches and the same thing: he ate the banana, and gingerly put it back on the arm of the chair. It was so funny I couldn't stop laughing.

But anyway, I hope Roger wins tonight. I cannot bear to see Djokovic being all smug and irritating if a miracle happens and he wins Roger...well, it would be again, considering he beat Roger in some Australian Open semi's or whatever. BUT STILL. On the one hand, you have THE Roger Federer; on the other, you have...Djokovic. New York hates him and loves Roger anyway so hopefully that will help him cruise easily to the finals.

On another note, I've been listening to the commentators talk about Roger when watching his matches and I've also briefly read a few pages of the threads dedicated to his matches on his official site (mostly to get pictures lah to be honest), and one thing that's struck me is the way people have been talking about his rejuvenated, found-again joy for the game. During the match against Muller the commentator talked about something Roger said in the Australian Open when he was still World #1 (though, yeah, four and a half years of that and I don't know which year it was), about how he's created a monster: If he doesn't win every single match out there, people will think there's something wrong with him. After the gruelling match against Andreev, he said that he was used to winning so easily in the past that he hardly gets to feel what it's like fighting to win. And the way he reacted after that win, even after the Muller win, was the reaction of someone who was genuinely thrilled to have won.

What I'm going to say now was provoked by what I've just written. It got me thinking - I'm genuinely bored of my life. I don't feel any sense of excitement when I think about the next five years of my life. Much like Roger's reign on the top of the tennis world where all his victories were more or less handed to him on a silver platter, I feel like I don't have to work for anything at all. It doesn't even matter what honours I get because I already have a job, one that I didn't even have to fight very hard for. Don't get me wrong; I'm extremely glad and thankful that I got my pupillage spot in The Firm with relative ease. But sometimes you fail to appreciate your good fortunes if they simply fall into your lap so easily, when you hardly have to move a finger to get them, much less fight for them.

I miss that feeling of working so hard at something to achieve a certain result, and feeling the gratification and pride and immense joy when the hard work pays off and you get exactly what you worked for. The last time I felt something close to that was probably when I had the A+ for the Emergencies term paper; but the only time when I felt something almost exactly like that was when I got my A Level results. That was something I truly cherished because I knew that I worked for it and the pride and joy at seeing my hard work pay off in such a tremendous manner (tremendous then, anyway) was a feeling that hasn't been matched ever since.

For one, I haven't been much inspired to work hard for anything throughout my time in law school. Everyone knows that it's a foregone conclusion that, unless you screw up really, really badly, you'll end up with a job no matter what honours you get. My disinterest and bitterness towards law school also dictated my response to it, namely, I had no idea where I wanted to work, and for the longest time I didn't even think that I wanted to work in the legal profession. So I never had the firm that I wanted to work in; it was always go with the flow and see what I get. And it just so happens that I got The Firm, for which I'm still very thankful; but I can't say at all that it was anything resembling something that I worked for.

Even if I pull off a major upset and get the two-one, I'm not sure it will mean that much to me. It will mean something, but I can't imagine feeling a significant amount of pride for having graduated with a second upper honours in law. Of course, I suppose it all depends on how things pan out, but it might be another thing that just came so easily that it doesn't really mean as much as it should. It's like what my parents always tell me about how I shouldn't let a guy have me too easily: the easier the chase is, the less he'd cherish me.

And I think it's true, because the easier I get a guy, the faster I become bored. The easier my life is, the more bored I become. And I am really, really bored. Don't get me wrong - I'm appreciative of the position I'm in and I know that things can be much worse, but it still doesn't take away or diminish the glaring lack of fight that pretty much embodies my life right now, and how I honestly don't feel like I had to work for anything ever since I got into law school. Even law school - it, quite obviously, wasn't even something that I worked for. I worked for a lot of things back then, but law school was never within my contemplation. It was something that just happened and it didn't fulfill any long-life ambition of mine to be a lawyer because I never, ever wanted this route for myself. My parents always marvel over how easy-going my time in law has been, and it just goes to show that you really don't have to do much or to put in an extraordinary amount of effort at all to get somewhere in this business. (Of course, there's the difference between a first, a second upper and a second lower, but then again, most of us end up in the same firms anyway no matter what honours we get.)

Am I retarded for complaining about how easy my life is? How the hell is it even conceivable that I'm complaining that I didn't and don't have to work like fuck to find a job? My pupillage application was approved; I didn't even have to go for an interview. And it wasn't as if I worked exceptionally hard when I did my internship. Why do I still feel like there's something lacking, a lack of passion and excitement, a lack of pride?

I talked briefly about this to Kyle over lunch today and he suggested that maybe it's because law isn't really something that I desperately want. And I think he's right. Law is, to put it crudely, something that I just stumbled and fell head-first into. There was no logical thought process weighing my choice when I made the decision to accept the law offer. I just accepted it, pretty much on a whim. In the process I more or less obliterated all the things that I worked towards since secondary school, and maybe that's why I'm not at all jazzed about starting work next year, about the fact that I don't have to look for a job.

I am so ungrateful, am I not? But you can't blame Roger Federer for not appreciating winning all his matches and not feeling the passion for the game when he's winning all the time, when he gets on court and the result is already a foregone conclusion. When you have something so good every day, when it's your life, it becomes merely a part of your mundane reality. It loses its spark, and its commonness empties it of its special significance. So I totally understand why Roger seems to feel more passionate about his sport now that he's playing as World #2; when winning isn't a foregone conclusion anymore, you fight tooth and nail for it. And when you do get it, the feeling that you get from it is incomparable to anything else that life hands to you on a silver platter. You appreciate it not in an abstract manner, void of any genuine content, but because you know that you've earned it.

Look at it this way: If I won a million dollars tomorrow, I'd probably squander it all on materialistic nonsense. But if I slaved for years and earned that million dollars, I'd be very careful about how I spend it and definitely won't squander it all on a new wardrobe.

Drinks last night with Rui, Chloe and Kenneth was fun. I originally meant to only order one drink, but the waitress came to clear my glass and when she asked if I wanted another one, I just couldn't say no.

It was such a bad idea though. As per every single time I drink cocktails, I spent my night with both my legs aching like fuck. It was most unpleasant and uncomfortable.

I tell everyone that I don't like drinking, and it's true. I won't go out of my way to consume alcohol, but if it's in the company of dear friends like them, then I'm all game. It's not so much the beverage as it is the company. And the company always, always sweetens the pot.

It just struck me last night that I'm really sad that Kenneth's leaving for a year. I've been so caught up with school and other miscellaneous things in my life, like Roger Federer and tennis, that I haven't thought about the implications of what that means at all. My mom said that it shouldn't matter considering I see him about once every two weeks on the average or something.

But the point is, I'd like to have the option of seeing him when I want to see him. He takes that option with him when he gets on the plane to Nottingham in two weeks' time. I'd actually have to go on MSN to talk to him and I can't talk to him for a year. I know I told him that a year is nothing in the grander scheme of things, and this is really the part where I should practice what I preach; but all of a sudden, it feels like three-hundred-and-sixty-five days, not simply a year.

The other night we were having dinner in some random coffee shop at Sixth Avenue. Not only was it the first time in the year and two months that we've known each other that we ate in an actual coffee shop, we also spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out the gender of this Year 1 law kid who sat behind us. I thought it was a female, but Kenneth determined that it was a guy. And when I noticed the absence of boobs, I concurred with Kenneth. Poor Year 1 Kid was a guy that looked like a girl that looked like a guy. How sad was that? And who else do I have such inane conversations with but Kenneth? Who else tells me that eating in a coffee shop is a breakthrough and basically talks rubbish to me all the time for me to laugh at?

He brings such joy to my life, and everyone else that he knows. Someone should come up with a way to clone people so that I can clone Kenneth and still have him - or some semblance to him - around when the real one goes for exchange.

But then again, there's only one of him in this world, and that's what makes him special.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010