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Plain ol' stupid me.
written: 1:21 a.m. on Sunday, Nov. 09, 2008

I'm so freaking tired at this moment that the urge to leave the country and start a new life has never been stronger. Somehow, with the formula stolen, I've forgotten what it's like to be happy, how to attain happiness, as if it's a goal that I can achieve. As if it's even within my control. I'm a bit of a control freak, so when things begin to spiral out of my control, I freak out. And I hate it.

It's shocking to realise that I still have a heart. It's even worse knowing that I'm always going to complicate things for myself by feeling. By being unable to be hard-hearted. By being me, not the person I wish I could be, not the fundamentally screwed up character in my half-arsed story about a cold, unfeeling woman without a heart. Do I wear my heart on my sleeve so that it's obvious to a virtual stranger that, no, I'm not really capable of being cruel?

I've always been ruled by my emotions, and like someone said, I "live (and die countless times) by [my] feelings." This explains the failed relationships, the fact that I don't stay friends with ex-boyfriends, the fact that my relationships all didn't last very long. I do what I feel like doing without caring about the consequences; but I have died over and over doing it and I can't anymore. I no longer have youth as an excuse to be stupid because I really, really ought to know better.

And yet, it doesn't mean the urge goes away. It doesn't mean I backtrack and start from scratch and pretend nothing happened. I'm bad at compartmentalising - always have, always will. After all the battles I fought and the casualties I suffered and the victories that I lost over and over, I'm still the same hopeless, disappointed idealist, trudging back to the same spot to fight the same war, over and over, and over and over.

It's never going to stop, is it? I can't stop believing, even if I have every reason in the world to stop, and none not to. I can't stop believing, I can't stop wanting. I can't stop hoping.

Yes, you were right: I am hopelessly irrational. It's too bad for me that, despite the wealth of my experiences, I still don't know any other way.

**

On a much, MUCH brighter note, omfg, TENNIS PLAYERS IN SUITS.


It's really big and it screws up my layout but I don't even care. From left to right: Nikolay Davydenko, Roger Federer, Andy Murray, Gilles Simon, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Andy Roddick, Novak Djokovic, and Juan Martin Del Potro.

I think Roger has a very suave style off-court, but the person that looks best in this weird, shiny and ill-fitting suit is Novak. Roger is a close second. I usually don't go for younger guys, but crap, Nole is soooo cute, I can't help myself. He looks older than 21, so at least I have an excuse.

I think Gilles Simon is really pretty but oh my god he looks like he's being worn by the suit. Andy Murray is smart to leave the coat unbuttoned because it really looks better that way. And shit, Juan Martin Del Potro is a GIANT! He's freaking tall. He's the one whom I think looks like Sylar, but probably cuter. And I had zero idea that A-Rod shaved his head. GROW BACK YOUR HAIR ANDY! You looked much better with hair. Davydenko still fails to register on my radar, and Tsonga looks really cute.

I'm so tempted to watch the matches that will take place later today. Djokovic vs. Del Potro at 2 p.m.! OKAY I MUST WATCH THIS ONE. I'm not going to be studying at 2 p.m. anyway, and the match will probably take 2 hours at most. I don't care, I'm so watching! Star Sports better cooperate with me.

Okay I need to go back to studying. Yeah. Great.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010