This is my version of racquet-smashing.
written: 5:28 p.m. on Saturday, Apr. 04, 2009

1. Damn tennis for keeping me up last night and jolting me awake this afternoon when I hadn't slept enough. Damn me for being so stupidly emotionally invested in Roger and his career that, the last I checked, still doesn't have anything to do with me that I happily went on to screw up my sleep pattern. Sleeping at 5 and waking up at 12.20 p.m. is NOT GOOD, not when I usually sleep at 2 and wake up at 12.20. DAMN THIS SHIT.

2. I cannot write anything useful to save my life. I can't focus on an article, on one question, long enough to formulate the slightest semblance to an argument in my mind in order to get down to writing the stupid answer. I can't focus. I can't focus. I haven't been able to focus the entire fucking semester, and it has got nothing to do with tennis; tennis was the inevitable result of my loss of focus. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME, except maybe I'm fucking tired of this exam shit and I'm burned out and I wish I could take a year-long break then come back to this after I'm done euthanasia-ising my brain - BUT I CAN'T. I have to do this now even though I deeply don't freaking want to, or feel like it, more so than I have ever felt before in my whole life. I have to do this now, and despite knowing how to say those words, I don't seem to understand it at all because it's 5.30 and I'm still working on the first fucking question.

3. What the fuck is wrong with me. Why am I so damn unmotivated? I'm so tired of this.

4. I'm also damn irritated with idiots out there who's blaming Roger for not having a coach and who think that people who chalk his recent bad serving up to his persisting back problem are deluded. SCREW YOU. He tried Cahill - it didn't work. Stop blaming him. And the back problem, even if not crippling, obviously has had an effect on him mentally. Can anyone imagine being the elite athlete that he is and going out there trying to compete at a high level and yet worrying, subsconsciously, that you might do something to injure your back and sideline yourself for the majors? I mean seriously. Just because he's not lying on the floor getting a back massage or being carried off the court on a stretcher, doesn't mean his back isn't bothering him. And I'm sure it's still an issue because he serves maybe 3 double faults a whole tournament, not 5 per match. Stupid bloody people.

5. And stupid bloody people for making a big deal of his racquet breaking and his water bottle tossing. Why does every single thing he does get analysed to death under some relentless microscope? GIVE HIM A BREAK AND LEAVE HIM ALONE.

6. WHY IS MY INTERNET SO SLOW? I WANT TO WATCH DOLLHOUSE DAMMIT.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010