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confusion is nothing new
written: 12:33 p.m. on Wednesday, May. 29, 2002

I went to school for English Lit today. Needless to say, I spent the entire 2 hours dreaming, talking to my friends, and basically not paying any ounce of attention. Pearl says the teacher likes me. I say she likes my writing, but not me, because she likes people who are hardworking, and I'm the type that bo chaps her lessons. I know I'm being complacent because it's E Lit, and trust me, I have no right to be complacent because I really have no idea how to answer the stupid questions. I just am so lazy, and I don't see the point in knowing how to answer the stupid questions when the "skills" are going to leave you as soon as you graduate.

But this is not what I want to talk about. I spent the whole so-far day thinking about my relationship with Gen, and how it doesn't seem to be working. I have known this for quite sometime. I just did not want to admit it. We're not working. I don't know why I'm letting it go on when I know it's not going to work ultimately.

You know what? My bloody mom is right. I finally understand why she wants me to stop seeing him, because like she said and like I know, it won't work. It's not working. It will not work. We don't talk. What kind of a relationship do two people have if they don't talk?

But this is not just about me. It's about him too. It's not my call. So I'm thinking, tomorrow after the English mock exam which I would have in the morning, I'd meet him somewhere and we'd talk. Heart-to-heart. Not groin-to-groin.

I feel terrible, because I was the one who started this whole shit and it's my fault that it doesn't work, because I don't think I'm trying hard enough. But I wanted it to. So badly. So badly that I kept myself in denial of the truth that lingered at the back of my mind. Now I'm longer in denial of being in denial.

It's time to do something, don't you think? I was clear a while ago, but now I'm muddled. I'm not sure anymore. I'm uncertain about what I want, and what I don't want; what I like, and what I dislike; what I ought to do, and what I ought not. I shouldn't have started anything. Why did I think I was ready? How could I be ready, when I don't even know anything?

I want to explain things to him. To explain why I couldn't tell him what was on my mind, because I didn't even know. To explain how much I wanted us to work, because for a while, he was the only good thing in my life. To explain how I feel that we're going nowhere, and it saddens me because I did not want that. I want him to understand. I even want to force it upon him, but I know that would not be effective at all.

I just wish I would have what it takes to verbalise all of it.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010