i would click even though there's nothing to fill
written: 1:09 p.m. on Saturday, Jun. 01, 2002

But I have to go to my grandma's for a while because she's gonna cook me something special and my mom would make sure I feel like shit for a week if I don't go.

But I told Yunnie that I would be going to the party at 4.

Mom said she'd go to the country club and pick me up at 7, so that I can still go to grandma's.

I personally think that is a retarded as hell plan.

In other news, I miss Gen a lot and more than ever I think I want, really want, to lose my virginity to him, but then, I'm also thinking that I'm going to break up with him if I still don't fall in love with him after a few more months, or maybe that's too soon, I don't know, but the thing is, this is just mad. I know he wants to sleep with me. I don't have to ask. I can tell by the way he makes out with me and the way he touches me, and oh yeah, did I mention this? He wants to see me naked. (The thought of letting a guy see me naked makes my stomach turn.) And there's my mom. And my dad. Sometimes I feel like I can't look him in the eye anymore. And my mom is irritating me by asking if I've been with Gen lately, a rhetorical question because she knows the answer. And she, a grown woman, cannot make herself say the word 'sex'. I don't know what the damn fuck is wrong with her sometimes. She was saying yesterday that I shouldn't do anything silly with Gen, and I asked, what? She said, you should know. I said, No I don't, please be specific.

She just said, forget it. So, forget it. Who cares, right?

But back to Gen. I keep thinking about Thursday. Keep thinking about it, keep playing the events that took place over and over in my mind. And I don't know what to think. There is this language barrier between us. I didn't think it mattered before, but it does.

Actually, I don't know what I'm talking about, which happens a lot.

The ironic thing about Thursday was that while I was trying to talk serious with Gen, a song by Jars of Clay that goes, "I want to fall in love with you" was playing on the radio in the back, but it was loud enough for me to hear. It just struck me as oddly ironic. For there I was, trying to connect with my boyfriend whom I'm not in love with, and the song was playing in the background, with its insipid lyrics, as if it was trying to rub it in my face that I'm not in love with my boyfriend.

What shit is this? I can't remember why I wanted so much to be in a relationship. At the rate things are going, I think I'd rather be a nun.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010