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i need something more
written: 6:30 p.m. on Monday, Aug. 05, 2002

I stayed up til past 12 a.m. writing the English composition that has been overdue for about a couple of weeks, and went straight to bed after that, but because I have been suffering from insomnia lately, could not fall asleep. I think I slept at around 1.30 a.m. Was so incredibly tired the entire day. Was falling asleep during practically every lesson, except P.E. because it was football, and who the hell can fall asleep in the middle of a football field?

I think I have seriously worn out my sun and weather metaphors. They are getting so old. I used the sun one in excess in last night's composition, and I compare everything to the goddamned sun, from my Genie to love to whatever else there is that makes one happy. Talk about being utterly unoriginal. How am I going to progress like this? I need something more. Something new.

Like a whole new environment for me a grow in. But I can wait, for I am patient. And besides, my time in the current school will be done in less than 6 months, and I'm not complaining at all.

Anyway, Signs is number one at the USA box office, and who's surprised? A new English-language channel showed its making-of yesterday, and the newspaper indicated that it was an hour long, but guess what? It ended at 7.35 p.m. It was supposed to end at 8, but after the two documentaries with repeated information, they broadcasted a segment of E! News that was obviously outdated. God, I was pissed. I was so pissed. I was so excited about seeing Joaquin on TV, and not only did he have like one sequence where he spoke, the fucking channel cut the programme into half. Such a lousy piece of shit channel. No wonder it cannot survive. And they broadcast movies that are totally grade B. Who the bloody hell would want to watch stupid grade B movies that no one even remembers? Why oh why did they get the rights to promote Signs, and not Channel 5, the better channel?!?!

The Goofball told a group of us during assembly this morning that tomorrow, the O Level Chinese results would be released. Fuck. I'm really scared. Like sweating cold sweat scared. I mean, it's the O Level. I don't want to go through the Chinese exam again as its preparatory (sp) stages are pure, utter hell. But if I don't get the A1 I am supposed to get, I will go through Hell a second time, no questions asked. But I'd be very, very mad and upset.

I have a thought that no expectations = no disappointment = no feelings hurt. I have applied that thought to practically everything that I do, including school and Gen. I am trying hard not to expect an A1 for the Chinese thing as I don't want to be totally crushed when the truth is out and I get a fucking B. I am also not expecting anything from Gen, not even reciprocating what little love I feel for him, because if he does not, I'd be the one with the bruises, not him, and I know from experiences that it takes time, a lot of it, for me to heal. So it's not unconditional love. It's simply cowardice, and incompetence. A lot, a lot of it.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010