why econs sucks, and why atheism is the way (for me)
written: 9:22 p.m. on Tuesday, Aug. 19, 2003

Today is just a day I spent in school without The New Kid, and barely surviving without feeling his absence like the songs you used to love five years ago which you don't hear anymore.

Today is just another twenty-four hours gone spent on doing crap that wouldn't impact me one way or another ten years down the road.

Today is all of that.

Today is also the day where I officially declare myself a non-genius.

There goes my pride, dignity and attitude.

Thank you, Economics. Thank you so much for making my life miserable.

And I am so tired that I don't even fucking care about my 4As, 2A1s ambition anymore.

I wasted my time, I wasted my effort, I wasted my brain cells, I wasted my strength, I wasted paper, I wasted pen ink, I wasted liquid paper, I wasted pencil lead, I wasted eraser, I wasted Mr. Nerd's time, I wasted his energy, I wasted his effort in helping me cram for the test by marking out the portions of his notes that were relevant to my essay topic, I wasted all of that and for what? Just to fail the stupid test.

I couldn't even remember the points that I painstakingly copied onto my white paper while preparing for the test. And when it was all over my hand was literally quivering, because I've never written so fast, so much, so hard, in my entire life. Not even for my O Level Literature paper and I got an A1.

Whatever.

Anyway. Spent most of Chinese class listening to my teacher telling us ghost stories. We were supposed to discuss food when he brought up the significance of this month (the seventh month in the lunar calendar, aka when ghosts and the like come out to play) and how some religious people offer food to the dead, and how some ghosts consume these delicacies through their sense of smell. I think he called them 'scent spirits'. He said it's not just a coincidence how sometimes the food that one puts up for offering tastes bland after the praying and the burning of incense is over.

I found that interesting. Although my grandmother is a Taoist and I have been through the traditional rituals quite a few times I've never ate the food that were offered, and if I had I don't remember doing so.

And my friend Kitty gave an explanation as to why sometimes at night you hear strange sounds, like marbles bouncing on the floor and furnitures being moved around. She said that when constructing the building - flats or whatever - the constructors put in marbles and furnitures (small ones I think) in between units for ghosts to play with so that they wouldn't bother you.

And writing all that has made me quite paranoid so I think I'm sleeping in my brother's room tonight. Because I do hear some strange sounds at night, the furniture thing especially. Always thought my neighbours are overly hyperactive.

The story that my Chinese teacher told us was really, really scary. So I don't want to talk about it.

I think I do believe in such things, though not necessarily the superstitiousness that inevitably comes along with this belief, but where does Atheism - my declared religion - fit into any of it, I have absolutely no idea.

Then again, I'm not sure how the existence of a god is linked to ghosts anyway.

And for some reason or other I'm more inclined towards Chinese or Asian deities than the Christian god.

I don't know. I just don't buy into the whole idea of Christianity or even Catholicism... my atheism is as simple as that. I can't reconcile with the ideas, the concepts and the ideals, and I can't accept the unavoidable hypocrisy and narrow-mindedness. And I'm too full of it to attribute my own success, the kind of shit I've shed blood and tears over, my own blood and tears, to some unseeable deity that we're not sure even exist. And I wouldn't be here if it weren't for my parents. If they didn't have sex, I wouldn't be typing this and you, my dear reader, would not have the luxury of reading my stupid prose.

So where does god fit into my life?

Simple. Nowhere.

He/she/it doesn't even exist to me.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010