when the power runs out, we'll just hum
written: 10:22 p.m. on Tuesday, Oct. 28, 2003
Apparently my right eye responded negatively to my contact lens after almost a year and has caused the eye to itch. So I went to see the eye doctor today after leaving school at 10.30 a.m. (REJOICE) and he told me, and my mom, of course, that I can't wear contact lenses for two weeks.
Or rather, I have to look like a geek or a nerd for two weeks.
Wonderful. I feel my life instantly getting better.
You probably think I'm shallow or superficial for equating looks with my level of confidence. But that's just the way it is. Not taking into consideration my perpetual posture problem, I look better than a lot of people and that is why I'm able to don the "I don't give a damn" attitude.
Then again, I've always had that attitude, especially throughout secondary school when I was surrounded by a bunch of.. well, let's not get started, yeah?
So I guess it hasn't got much to do with wearing glasses. But I still don't like it. After getting accustomed to be able to see perfectly without having something in your face all the time, it's just uncomfortable and strange to look at the world through two oval-shaped windows. And I'm extremely conscious of the fact.
I saw Cody walking along the streets in my mom's car when I left school. It was almost 11 a.m. (Hey dude, if you're wearing this, great move.) That gave me the idea of cutting school at 9.25 a.m. on Friday and hitting the cinemas for a mini movie marathon. After all, I've been wanting to watch a few flicks at one shot ever since the O Levels ended but for some reason, haven't really got around to doing it.
And I'm officially sick of school. Today was shit. I'd rather not go for GP and History all together. And the European History teach got on my case for cutting her lesson yesterday.
Woman, relax. I didn't cut just your class. I cut all the classes after Third Period and before Last Period. And I wasn't the only one so why didn't you slag the rest of and why the fuck did you fucking pick on me? Jesus Christ. And it's not like your bloody tutorials are deep or thought-provoking or even useful so what's the point of going?
So that was Factor One that pissed me off. Factor Zero was my right eye which itched like red ants crawling under and biting my upper eyelid, making it red and puffy and uncomfortable. I didn't want to go school. I didn't want to have to deal with anything.
All I wanted to do was to curl up in my bed, hide beneath my quilt and sleep the day away.
I'm reacting badly to a lot of things nowadays. Friendster.com has corrupted me, and it says that I have thirty-three friends (and counting).
I'm sorry, but what a load of bullshit. Friendster.com is crap. "[insert name] is your friend." Nonsense. I've never even spoken a full sentence to some of the people in my list.
Honestly, I've never had many friends, just a truckload of useless acquaintances. I guess that's precisely why I'm so reliant on myself to overcome emotional barriers by running away, all these years.
JC life hasn't changed anything at all. It's still the same. The status quo is still rock-solid.
In such cases it's either me or them.
I don't think I can fault a thousand people simultaneously for the same thing so I guess it's me.
Even though I have absolutely no idea what the problem is.
Am I lonely? No. Loneliness is abstract. And I don't feel a lot.
Then again, that could be a lie. I don't know.
I feel like announcing my results even though it's not final and I'm not supposed to know but here goes.
Maths - E
Literature - D
History - C
Economics - B
Chinese - B4
General Paper - A2
We're not getting our papers back. Can't even look at them. The system is screwy. But who the hell is surprised.
I don't know what to do for Literature. I'm demoralised. Have been for quite a while. Just didn't want to talk about it.
The words have long since stopped flowing. I don't know what I am without them.
I need to read Kafka. Perhaps then I'd feel understood, as if I do belong, if only somewhere obscure in this crazy world.
Mel should go to school everyday. Without her I'm all lost, alienated, like an intruder.
Imagine that. Me, an intruder, in my very own school.
THIS IS NOT MY LIFE.
before sunrise // before sunset
Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010