chinese new year day 2
written: 8:09 p.m. on Friday, Jan. 23, 2004

Reunion dinners no longer have the archaic meaning of those days in the past, for what is a 'reunion' when I see my family every single day of the year? And so I'm looking forward to reunion dinners in the future, when I'd be off somewhere in the world and my brother would be serving national service and my family, me my brother my mother my father, would see each other again on the eve of the Chinese New Year, and there would be tears and suppressed emotions (for we are Chinese and we don't express our emotions directly, if at all) and there won't be even the slightest sliver of cynicism on my part.

Or even better, we'd go back to Taiwan next year for Chinese New Year and we'd finally be able to have a real reunion dinner, for it would definitely be one, considering I haven't seen my Taiwanese relatives in, oh, three years? It feels like a lifetime multiplied by two.

For my ang moh readers, Chinese New Year lasts for 15 days, but in Singapore, we get only the first two days off. So this means I'm back to school on Monday, which sucks major balls as I haven't done anything at all ever since skipping school on Tuesday. I'm such a slacker and I don't ever learn. Today when I was at my parents' cousin's place, he asked me where I'm studying, and mentally, I went, "Oh fuck, here we go." And when I said, "Jurong JC", there was definitely embarrassment felt on my part.

For once in my life I'm ashamed of my fucking school and I hate that, for I know what they all think but don't say. From top ten to bottom five is a fucking huge plunge, and trust me, I know what they think. I can tell by that split second of silence after I say "Jurong JC" and then they comment, "Oh, that's quite near your house!" If it were a top-five college instead, they'd go, "Oh wow, that's a brilliant school! You're so smart!"

So yes, we're superficial and materialistic and we place non-importance on things like ranking, and yes, I have succumbed, but that's just the way it is. And you'd think that I would spur myself on by working my ass off for my four As, but nope, I'm still slacking as usual, parking my fat arse in front of the computer and willing my time away, doing absolutely nothing productive at all. I don't know my math, I'm painfully behind on Econs and my standard of English is either stagnant or slipping, so I need to read but I'm too lazy to and who can I blame for being stuck in JJC but me myself?

I still want to get four As and I still want to go to NYU; nothing much has changed. And that is precisely where the problem lies, so that my dreams are fast becoming nothing but empty and hollow wishful thinkings.

Wake up, you moron. You're not gonna get jack shit if you continue going on like this, if you continue studying like you did in secondary school. JJC is a fluke; you're better than that, which is why you're forcing yourself to take four As even though Maths is killing you. But if you want to do it, make sure you do it right. Surpass the standard of the school. Surpass your relatives' expectations and bring some pride to your poor parents. Give them the four As. If you don't give a fuck about yourself, think about them. Especially your father. He needs something to brag about; be that something. Isn't this what being Chinese is partially about? Giving good grades to your parents for them to show off? And you used to hate that but somehow, it seems important right now.

I don't know; I'm quite pressurised. Mainly by myself, true, but it's not a nice feeling all the same.

And I have just distracted myself by clicking on my Jay Chou forum browser so I'm just going to abandon that subject entirely.

**

Another uneventful day. Went to my aunt's after the first visit. Played with the pets. Many baby rabbits (so cute!) and two dogs (so cute!). I love animals; they're simply amazing. You don't have to do anything to get them to like you; all you have to do is to approach the dogs and they'll jump all over you, like you're Jay Chou or something. I love it.

Had Mos Burger for lunch, which put a happy smile on my face. My brother threw a temper tantrum and refused to get out of the car though. He's stubborn like that. I think it's inherent, as my father has a pretty bad temper too. Come to think of it, so does my mom. Ha.

Right, that's about it.

I love Zhou Jielun. Amazing amazing guy.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010