my belisha beacon.
written: 7:50 p.m. on Thursday, Jul. 01, 2004

Even now I'm trying to decide how much to today I want to reveal here and how much I don't.

(This just popped into my head: Why is it 'myriad of senseless acts of violence' and not 'myriad senseless acts of violence'?)

Okay, here goes:

Despite the fact that my ego has been completely shattered today, I still feel like I've finally got wind back in my sails, bounce in my steps. It was dreadful, listening to him dissect my GP essay (the terrorism one) and hearing things like, "I would have failed you; the first half was completely irrelevant because it did not answer the question", and I understood what he was saying but still mostly disagreed, for if I weren't stubborn I would cease to be Yelen, but the mere fact that I had a real conversation with him, even though he did most of the talking and I, simply injected indignant cries of, "But [insert defensive words]!", was enough.

It was enough. I don't know, there's just something awfully liquid about him, the way he talks, I was a deer caught in the headlights in daytime, and he drove the car gingerly, gently, and despite his best efforts I got hit anyway; but this time, it was a mere grazing of the skin, drawing little blood, a surface wound.

There is no point. I do not need a point. The whole world can laugh at me but the only response that would provoke is a blank smile that does not meet the eyes.

I do not give a shit because there is no shit to give. That is all I can say.

And I think it's pretty clear by this point who it is that I seem to be perpetually infatuated with.

If you still don't get it though, trust me, it's perfectly all right.

I was going to start on a long grandmother story to defend myself but I don't see the point. Besides, I have to finish a German unification essay by tonight because my teacher's on my arse about it; saw her outside the staffroom this morning, when I was there with Mel and him, listening to a complete dissection of my essay, and she said, "Yelen, your essays?"

Well, I had to lie because I was left without a choice. Told my teacher that I haven't finished them, that I've done only one.

In retrospect, it was not really a complete lie. It is true that I have done something; I wrote the beginnings of the introductory paragraph last night. The fact is that I haven't finished anything, and I didn't claim that I did, so I wasn't totally lying.

Yes, my pathetic attempts at covering my arse are really pathetic so I shall stop digressing.

As I was saying, I don't see the point in defending myself. I wrote it all out in my personal diary, but honestly, he's not gonna see it, he's not gonna read any of it and I could never in a thousand years articulate any of them to him because I write so much better than I speak, and so he's never gonna know.

Suffice to say, though, the fact that my failure to define 'stopped being human' -- in other words, humanity -- cost me a memorable mark only goes to show how absolutely constipated, shittified and fucking idiotic this subject called General Paper a.k.a Gargantuan Pointlessness is. Excuse me for giving credit to my fellow human beings, for assuming that we all know the meaning of humanity. Excuse me for not wanting to insert unnecessary street lamps in my essay and making it a huge fucking mess, only for the consumption of guileless secondary school kids. Excuse me, in fact, for falsely believing that in A Levels, we're doing something of a higher level. I guess I was wrong in thinking all of that.

And excuse me, too, for showing evidences of 'stopped being human' in fighting terrorism instead of point-blank spelling it out, because I genuinely believed that the fact (and yes, it is a fact) that innocent civillians were killed because of flawed intelligence would lead any thinking, rational human being to the logical conclusion that humanity is being undermined, fast.

And no, I don't know what 'thesis statements' are, I don't fucking care, I've been writing like this all my life and I'm not going to change. I'm not going to conform. This is my style and I stick with it. Maybe I'd lower my expectations of my fellow humans just to clinch my A1, but that is about it.

Then again, there's no way that I would explain who Saddam Hussein is, as suggested by the guy who marked my essay. That would a street lamp a tad too bright; anyone who doesn't know who he is should get out of that hole right now and smell the shit. It's certainly permeating into all aspects of life.

There is a limit to how far I'd go to undermine my own intelligence. I stop at explaining who Saddam and Bush are. Do not be a dumb dolt and do not force me to be one. I refuse to do all of these things.

So today was swell, for the most part. Had a great time with Mel and Princess during lunch. It also helped that he was in the canteen as well, although I didn't know until Mel pointed it out to me, with a grin wide as a Cheshire cat's, poking fun at me with that wide, playful smile of hers, and those eyes, of course, and in front of our ex-Lit teacher too. Mortifying, it certainly was, especially when said teacher glanced up and saw the back of his head.

Argh. Kill me. I was... I don't know what I was.

That wasn't the fun part though. The great part was... it's kinda hard to define, to describe. We were discussing the stupidity of GP and reading each other's GP essays and it could very well be just me but I could swear that I felt this bond between the three of us, one that I never felt so strongly before.

Despite stepping on a puddle of ants at our recess bench and getting ants on my shoe and up my calf, despite the ego-shattering thing, despite the fact that I have like 13 history essays to do, today was a good day.

I wish every day were like today.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010