butcher.
written: 2.36 p.m. on Tuesday, Aug. 31, 2004

Oh to hell with it. I'm not in the mood for this right now. I'm not in the mood to joke, let alone to go off about something utterly unimportant and minute, although I do love Liu Xiang oh so very much.

The thing is, I'm tired, both physically and emotionally. I'm exhausted, beyond enervated, and the only thing I desire for right now is not good grades, but a peaceful, long and uninterrupted sleep.

I shouldn't have gone to school today. The violent oscillations between being skewered alive by the heat and being doused to the bones by the air-conditioner took its toll on my poor, overworked head, and I was nursing a major headache while I was at West Mall, with two individuals who're supposedly my parents, and then I got out to the carpark, walked past an altar of burning incense, and the smell got to me so much that I almost threw up.

Now, I love being Chinese, I love my race, I love my culture, and I understand the need to uphold traditions that are no less than opulent, but the fucking incense is a pain (literally). You can't go anywhere without smelling it this month, since it's the Hungry Ghost Festival and all. The two individuals who are supposedly my parents did their things downstairs last night, and the individual who is supposedly my mother went to the cemetery to burn stuff for my grandad in the afternoon too, but I was automatically exempted, for reasons that are unknown to me.

It's weird. It used to be mandatory. I don't subscribe to any religion, but I see it as a tradition thing. A custom that is quite an integral part of the Chinese culture. And I was just thinking yesterday, in the individual who is supposedly my mother's car, how it would slowly fade out in years to come, how people would cease to care twenty, thirty years down the road.

How do you reconcile modernisation, globalisation with the urge, the desire to preserve your heritage? How do you keep these forces at bay and prevent it from eroding away your roots? How do you explain to someone who doesn't feel the same why it matters so much to you that you remain a Chinese at heart? Really, how do you even attempt to even make sense of the kind of numbing and subtle sense of loss whenever you try to read a Chinese passage, but fail miserably because you don't understand two sentences out of three? How do you tell a Chinese Christian that it is not religion, but tradition, that more or less binds him to the stench of burning incense and melting joss sticks?

How do I even try to express to you why it seems to matter, especially when I understand so little of it? Sometimes I'm tempted to think that English is the subcutaneous fats beneath my yellow skin, but I don't think I would be willing to trade this for anything else.

I just wish that I understood myself, what I am, better than some ang moh academic with a degree in Chinese studies and Chinese history.

Anyway, today's been fucked. Amazingly fucked. Teachers' Day in school was a bore, though I have to say that seeing Tubby's baby photo made waking up at 6.50 just to go to school for less than three horus rather worthwhile.

Point is, I think I would rather be in school the whole day than to come home to the perpetual war zone that is my house.

Yay. Fun times. I feel like I'm in Iraq.

Seriously, do whatever you want. I'm not going to stand in the way of your quest to seek that highly elusive thing called Happiness. I don't care, and I mean it. I'm not merely saying it as a pathetic form of self-defence, because I've done that, over and over, four years ago. The writing's finally on the wall: I don't care. At all. The tears aren't going to come from me anymore, neither are the badly-written verses that claim to express a lot, but in fact, say very little, if anything at all.

A question: Why get married?

Yes, why? Just so I'd be happy for three months and miserable for the rest of my life? Just so I'd avoid a divorce from a stale, banal and stagnant marriage and "stay together for the kids"? Yep, I'm sure I really needed the staying together bit, just to have lilies fester and rot to fertilise the plants growing on the grave of your marriage.

Yes, very wise. We're all so clever.

Tubby is right. Everyone is stupid. Why do we bother?

If divorce were a threat, then marriage would be the goddamn firing squad. I'm too bloody old for this. I'd provide for myself if I had the means but nope, have to take the A Levels, have to get more than a degree before I can strike it rich.

And since everyone is Chinese nobody speaks and since nobody speaks the lilies fester somemore and rot somemore and one day they'd fertilise the fucking plants growing on MY goddamn grave.

Okay, one thing I detest about being Chinese: we're dysfunctional when it comes to expressing emotions verbally. Absolutely dysfunctional until it's pathetic. What the hell is it that afflicts us with this crippling trait? Contrary to what we apparently believe, there is a vast and crucial difference between effective non-communication and plain non-communication.

Oh fuck it. What's the point of wasting time writing about this? I'd get a lot more out of completing the French Revolution essay, once and for all.

So anyway, yeah, I wrote notes for a few worthy teachers, with whom I can count on one hand. I didn't want to say 'happy teachers' day' because of the inherent corniness of it all, but sometimes, you just kinda have to, just to fill up the silence.

I mean, you rock and all but I don't see why I have to tell you only on August 31, you know?

Tomorrow's a school holiday and I have History class. Yay.

Speaking of History, I would like to announce that A Level History essays are bloody retarded. That, or Cambridge cannot phrase them using proper, concise English. Take an example:

"'The colonial masters failed to exert complete control over their colonies, and thus some aims were not achieved.' How far do you agree with the assessment of the impact of colonialism on Southeast Asia from 1870-1941?"

According to the stupid syllabus, I'm supposed to present a balanced viewpoint. First, I'm supposed to agree with the statement, like, "It is indeed true that the colonial masters failed to exert complete control over their colonies, as can be seen from the eventual rise of opposition to their rule, blah blah bliddy blah" and "They failed to achieve aims of civilising the Southeast Asians blah blah bliddy blah." Okay, fine.

The stupid part comes in next. I'm apparently supposed to disagree with the statement, thus: "On the other hand, the colonial masters did exert dominant control over their colonies, as can be seen from the limited influence of local representatives in decision-making parties."

What the HELL? Like, hello? Since when were 'complete' and 'dominant' interchangeable? It's bloody obvious that the Europeans failed to exercise complete crontrol, because who the hell CAN do that? Does George Bush have complete control over America? Does the PAP have complete control over Singapore? How do you quantify 'control'? Is it in terms of political affiliations? Political power? Freedom of thought? Freedom of choice? An individuated opinion and belief?

I mean, complete control? They're just bloody asking for it, I tell you. If I got that kind of question for the actual exam I would definitely agree all the way. How the hell am I supposed to substitute 'complete' with 'dominant' when they do not mean the same bloody thing? And since they don't mean the same thing, how am I supposed to believe that I am still relevant-ly answering the question when I do the supposed "challenge" bit?

Like, HELLO? Do we know English or not? It's absurd, absolutely preposterous.

And it really, really kills me that I have to go through it.

It's bad that an entry takes me an hour to complete. I'm supposed to have started on the French essay a million years ago. I suspect there's something wrong with diaryland, as usual. If I didn't have close to a thousand entries here, I would've moved a long time ago.

I hate mosquitoes.

I love Liu Xiang.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010