a thought.
written: 6:32 p.m. on Tuesday, Oct. 19, 2004

But anyway, I finished the whole damn thing. Did every single bloody question, including those on the Phillips curve and natural unemployment which are out of syllabus, including marginal utility because I didn't know that it's out of syllabus too but luckily I was only stupid prior to the prelim. But no, I didn't do indifference cost analysis; I'm not that crazy and I don't have that much time.

Halfway through the first ten questions in the application of cost theory chapter I wanted to die. Imagine staring at curves/graphs/lines after curves/graphs/lines and odd combinations of numbers that are supposed to make sense but only manage to do so after the one millionth time one reads through them and yeah it just sucked majorly.

It's quite amusing that I spent about two weeks preparing for a paper that constitutes only 15% of my entire Econs grade (if it's not 15%, it's 25%; I can't bloody remember). But the thirty marks can be all mine if nothing goes wrong. So I think it's worth it.

Right.

So today no situation arose in which I had the potential to embarrass myself again, and that, in itself, is very double-edged sword-ish. But I don't want to elaborate because there is no point in doing so, and so we'll just leave it at that.

School was majorly boring. I think the only reason I'm still going is because I don't really want to be cooped up at home every single day of the week. I hate talking about school work to my mom. Whenever she asks me about my attempts at preparation I just grunt non-committedly and change the subject. Why? Who bloody knows?

Oh well. What does it matter. It's not important anyway.

A major sign that the times have changed:

Previously it used to be Singapore Airlines every time we travelled overseas. Dug the inflight movies. Dug the computer games. Dug the services. Dug the fact that it was SIA, the definitive Singaporean icon.

Our substitute for SIA was Eva Air, mainly because it's Taiwanese and has nice big seats if you pay a little bit more.

A few days ago my mom booked a flight to Taiwan with Cathay Pacific.

Who the fuck is Cathay Pacific? I don't even fucking know which country it belongs to. I almost had to endure China Airlines but fortunately, it was fully booked. I mean, China bloody Airlines?! I'd die of a heart seizure on board before the plane could crash and kill me!

The times, they have changed. How they have changed.

This could be the bit where I go off on another rant about Singapore's too-ready willingness to retrench workers/cut wages in order to remain cost competitive but whatever. Screw it. My head hurts too much for it anyway.

Amazingly, I don't have much to say today. Went to school, went for Tubby's class, went for Econs, came home, wasted half an hour sleeping right after my lunch (like, RIGHT AFTER), did Econs, and now here I am.

What an excruciatingly boring existence. But I am convinced that life is a mere interlude before death so I don't think an alternate situation would make much of a difference.

It may seem that my cynicism is deeply rooted in me but amazingly, I don't really think I'm that far gone. Sunday night, during tuition, my cousin was off about insurances and how insurance companies maximise profits by calculating the probability of people dying in accidents or whatever. So I sat there, listening to him, and getting more and more alarmed with every second that passed.

His take on it: That is simply how people make money.

My take on it: Agreed, but it's not exactly nice.

Imagine if someone close to you were to fall into that critical region, so to speak. Those people sit in their comfortable offices and calculate the probability of people accidentally dying, blah blah blah, I don't really know how it works because I'm not even marginally interested, but the point is, I'm quite appalled by the sheer lack of humanity that goes on in such work. That GP question I came across is so right: There is no altruism in the modern world; only vested interests. Insurance packages completely epitomise the truth in that sentence. Julian Barnes talked a little about it in Staring at the Sun, and yes, I do agree with him that it's odd that people should salivate over the amount of money your death would cost. Worse still is the kind of calculating, even manipulative behind the scenes work that goes on that hope for people to die just so some company can make a profit out of your death.

Most of the time the individual loses out. Duh. My cousin was like, Oh, it's perfectly okay, his Science-stream pragmatism completely shining through as a result. But I what I really wanted to say was this: What if your sister/brother/mother (I'm leaving out father because he doesn't seem to give a shit about my uncle either way) were to be the unfortunate ones?

The thing about the arts is that it roots the human race to its humanity, so that it does not forget the element that separates it from the animal kingdom. Why do doctors and scientists seek solace in poetry and other forms of artistic expression? You can argue until the cows come home that the Sciences are not devoid of humanity, but I beg to differ and I completely disagree. It is the lack of humanity in the Sciences that necessitates the existence of the arts, hence making the arts absolutely imperative to the complete, holistic development of a country.

And that is precisely where I think Singapore loses out to other countries in terms of development. We are essentially culturally-barren, a fact that nobody can ever dispute. Even if you're extremely well-versed in the English language, the fact that you're Chinese basically necessitates that you'd never completely assimilate into a foreign culture. To put it in an unpolished manner, it's just bloody odd. And to aggravate the situation, your Chinese basically sucks because you've given up your command of it in order to better your English, and the end result is a deficit that falls perpetually, a human being caught between two cultures that do not quite have a meeting point.

At least, that's where I think I am right now. Like I said before, I'm a deracinated hobo that shuffles aimlessly between two cultures, never really belonging in either.

That is what Singapore has done to me. That is the result of globalisation, its encroachment into where it's most intimate: the mind of the individual. I am proud of my race but on what basis do I say that when I can't even speak Chinese like a decent Chinese-speaker, let alone write it? And English? I'd forever be incomplete and empty even if I fully mastered it, because it is at the expense of the language that binds me to my roots. And since I cannot fully master English, the void is then further compounded.

Singapore has created a people who is neither here nor there. And the sad thing is, most people don't realise it. I mean, I find it quite tragic that many people cannot speak and write Chinese with the level of proficiency that those in China and Taiwan have, and yet their command of English is also nowhere near as good as that of a native speaker's either. As for the people who think that their ethnicity has nothing to do with them... all I can say is, I feel sorry for you.

But then again, if you asked me to explain why it's so important to me, I couldn't begin to tell you. I can't explain it, the sense of loss, the importance I place on being Chinese and being culturally aware and appreciative. It's just something so instinctive, so intrinsic and essential that no words can possibly attempt to describe it, paint a picture of a dream that is loosely thread together by soft, intangible whispers, and do justice do it. Given a choice between mastering Chinese but not knowing a word of English and being good at English but barely knowing a word of Chinese, I'd whole-heartedly opt for the former.

Okay, I've lost my train of thought. Today's digression (is there even such a word?) is more grotesque than usual but it beats another entry on how I hate the A Levels and how I'm afraid of the A Levels and how I'm just this fraud masquerading as someone intelligent blah blah blah because I've repeated myself a million times over and I'm sick of myself too.

So yeah, that's it for today then.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010