your love is king.
written: 9:15 p.m. on Sunday, Jan. 02, 2005

But to even attempt to explain why would take so much time and so much out of me that I don't think I wanna. And besides, it's too freaking private, that's what it is.

Tomorrow's the first day of school. The fact that it does not concern me feels really weird.

And um, I don't know what to say.

Right, so my aunts and cousins and uncles and all came over to my house yesterday. I played Bridge with some of them, sat around and talked, watched Pleasantville, stuff like that. Was pretty cool. But I was quite subdued though, because I was still mulling over something which I should be getting over quite soon, so I guess it doesn't really matter.

And we had lunch today at a Teochew restaurant. My grandma's treat, I think. It's okay, the food. But I was almost pissed beyond reason when the first dish finally arrived. It was some strange soup with that thing in fish that makes them float...whatever you call it. Some internal body part. Which I find absolutely disgusting. When I came back from the loo I found my mom scooping up the gooey stuff and saying at the same time, "I know you wouldn't drink this but drink it anyway."

Then I was like, "No, I don't want it."

She said, "It's not shark's fin."

That's not exactly the point. For one, the gooey stuff looked disgusting. For another, the soup smelled so fishy that I wanted to hurl. So I was like, "No, I said I don't want it, so stop asking me to drink it." Real primary school kid-style. Then my cousin joined in, then her mom, then my grandma, but I still refused to. In the end, I made my mom take away the bowl, and she did.

You know, I hate it when people keep asking me to eat something when I've already said, ten million times over, that I don't fucking want it. And I really do not understand my family's obsession with food. They're impressed when somebody eats anything you put on that person's plate, and my mom's always like, "It's such a shame that you and your brother don't eat as much as your little cousin."

I mean, what's the big deal? I really don't understand. You can't expect me to eat everything, especially when I have such a specialised diet. Of course, I could eat meat if I wanted to; I've always liked fried chicken. But that's not the point. Why is it wrong for a person to opt for more compassionate living, you know? And they say that eating is a form of luxury; probably right, but I beg to differ. I get more pleasure out of reading a book or watching a movie; eating, to me, is a mere necessity, and sometimes an irritating one at that. I've said this before in another entry but it's ludicrous to spend a bomb on something you put into your mouth, only to have it ultimately come out from your arse as shit. What's the point, really?

But the real point of this entry is not my rantings about food, half-hearted mentions of family gatherings, New Year activities, but this: Isn't it also very ludicrous for a person like me to like a member of the opposite sex despite 1) my full knowledge that he's not my type; and 2) my undying faith in my inability to commit, ie. "I trust only that I'd leave"? Why do I keep wanting him even though I'm fully aware of the above two points? I can't stop thinking about him, you know. He's the first thing on my mind when I wake up, the last thing before I sleep, and he's on my mind literally every single moment of the day. It's been two days since and I still can't get over him and I can't stop thinking. I don't know what it is, really, what it is about him, besides the fact that I think he's absolutely amazing, and I know even less why I still can't let go. I thought I would be able to, with ease, especially with full knowledge that HE IS REALLY NOT MY TYPE, but I keep hanging on. And I don't even know what I'm hanging on to. I never touched him at all and we were never anything more than what we've always been, and there isn't the slightest chance of anything happening, and the catch is, I don't want anything to happen; I like him too much for that. You know? I do, I really do. But then, I ask again: what's the point of my endless infatuation when I don't even want to take things to the level that normal people would when two people like each other, even if he wanted to (he doesn't)? It's inertia I'm trapped in, you see. I can't go backwards, I can't go forward; I'm stuck, here, rooted to the exact same spot I've been standing on for such a long time that my legs are getting so tired. I want to be able to move, just lift up one leg and place it slightly forward; that's all I want. But I can't. I really can't. How can anyone ever replace him? How can anyone ever measure up?

Oh, how I wish I weren't me.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010