oh what the hell.
written: 9:38 p.m. on Sunday, Apr. 10, 2005

This is kind of weird but...well, I ended my stint at StarHub on Saturday. Yeah, they broke the contract; yeah, I was pissed as hell initially but I don't care anymore. Screw it and all, you know?

So the weird part is, a part of me welcomes the sudden freedom while another part misses it. I think I'm turning into an insufferable sap, just when I thought I'd finally succeeded in becoming Rukawa Kaede, Version Female. (For non Slam Dunk fans, that means a walking block of ice.)

Oh, I don't know. It felt weird yesterday; it was a little bit too sudden as we were told only the day before, and I didn't have sufficient time to think about how I wanted to feel towards it. In fact, I think my reaction is still quite delayed...

Then again, it's not. Here's the truth: like Kenneth, a little part of me couldn't really bear to leave too, after getting so used to it in that one-month period. I mean, it's human nature I guess, although that basically translates into 'bloody hell stupidity' but there you go, I'm not exempt so laugh at me.

Had dinner at Fish & Co. last night. It was nice.

Yeah. I don't know. Uh, I didn't do any work after we got back from dinner at like 8 p.m. since I had nothing left to do. I sat around with some of them and we rapped for a bit. They were talking about this Malay person who works downstairs who's supposedly a transvestite (I'm too lazy to look up the spelling) and then the conversation snowballed to homosexuality, and when I announced that I have this thing for guy-on-guy action, everyone was aghast and shocked beyond belief. They were like, "Ew, that's gross! You're warped! Disgusting!"

Sigh. I feel sorry for people who can't see the beauty...well, not beauty; sexiness is a better word. Yes, I feel sorry for people who can't see the sexiness in a French kiss between two totally hot guys (ie. Rukawa Kaede and Mitsui Hisashi) because I sincerely believe that it is the precise reason why I was born heterosexual. Bwahahaha.

Yes, I'm aware of the potentially-homophobic vibe that the above may give off, but screw this. Who cares how others may misconstrue my words? I know for a fact that I don't discriminate against others for any other reason save for their abject stupidity so there you go.

So anyway, that ex-SAJC guy I mentioned who went to Liverpool uni called me a Fag Hag. Haha! Hilarious. He asked me how would I react to my boyfriend kissing another guy, and I was like, "I don't have a boyfriend but if I did - oh my god, totally hot."

Just imagine: Zhou Jielun making out with...I dunno, Edison Chen. Shit, serious time for a major nosebleed! And they kept insisting that a French kiss between two girls is more acceptable because girls are more feminine or whatever, which I find totally sexist and archaic and just plain bigoted, because I personally think that traditional gender roles are pure bullshit and nothing more. I mean, I've always been attracted to guys who're more feminine than your average macho, super egotistical dude who takes his manhood so seriously that it positively makes me sick. People like Joaquin Phoenix and Daniel Johns have this amazing feminine quality about them that I really dug, you know? And of course, that person whom I was infatuated with for pretty much the whole of last year also has a nice feminine quality about him too. In fact, I even suspected for a while that he's gay, but he cleared that up for me last year when we had that chat, so yeah.

But my point is, what I found amazing about last night's conversation on guy-on-guy action was how they told me that I was the first person they'd ever met to say what I said. Even now I'm just like...wow, no way. I can't believe that, to be perfectly honest. Maybe it's because I totally embrace yaoi, but even so, I do know people in real life (ie. not via the Internet) who share my interest as well. Khai, for example, likes Harry Potter slash, so...yeah. And Mel doesn't have anything against it either, obviously.

My thoughts are disjointed right now so let's move on.

Yesterday, on my way to work, some old man tried to pick me up when I was waiting for the MRT at like, Jurong East. Now, I may like older men, but as any English expert can point out to you, there is a stark difference between an older man and a man who is just plain old. That man was just plain old; he looked like he was in his sixties. Ew.

So the story goes like this: I was minding my own business, cursing SMRT's incompetence in my head as I was late for work, and all of a sudden someone said, "Good afternoon", as if directed at me. So I glanced at the direction where that came from and saw the old man who looked like he was looking at me but I wasn't sure; his gaze wasn't focused, probably because of lazy eyes or something. I thought that he was perhaps talking to someone else so I ignored him.

But shortly after that, he went on to mumble something which I didn't really catch, and then he said something about the weather being cold; I was wearing my beloved Slam Dunk jacket and everything. That made it pretty obvious that he was talking to me, right?

Surprisingly, I didn't tell him off. I have this soft spot for senior citizens, you see, even if they're about to lure me into some dingy hotel room and...well, blah blah blah. I just kinda smiled politely and looked away and of course, didn't answer. Thankfully, after that, he kinda slinked away and left me alone.

I felt quite sorry for him, if truth be told. If only I weren't dressed the way I was yesterday...right, so maybe my top was a little bit too low-cut, but fuck, I think I have the right to dress however I please without worrying about being preyed upon by stupid men who apparently don't know that porn actually, gasp, exists on the Internet. Get a life, really. People are so lame.

But yeah, I did feel sorry for him. I don't know why. I'm too much of a sucker sometimes.

I'm bored out of my skull, and in more ways than one too. You know what would be perfect? Finding a job in Taipei and working there for a month. The perfect change of scenery that I need to blast me out of this funk in which I've been stuck ever since school ended. There's no other word for it: I'm bored. I'm so bored and tired of my mundane and meaningless existence that...I don't know. This is no way to live, but hell, what other alternatives do I have?

As it stands right now, I'm too lazy to find another job. We'll see about that though, since my shopping needs are pretty much infamous already.

I wanna watch that Korean flick Wet Dreams, and 3-Iron by this famous Korean director whose name I've forgotten. May be heading to Cineleisure tomorrow to catch it, or I may wait for like, Tuesday. We'll see.

I don't know why my updated poetry page isn't updated. Shit.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010