fuck my life.
written: 12:58 a.m. on Wednesday, Apr. 20, 2005

Nothing is happening and I'm dying. I'm reduced to a mere body that parks itself in front of the laptop day and night, playing Zuma and killing brain cells; when the body isn't in front of the laptop, it is walking aimlessly all over 'town' and looking for more needless clothes to waste money on and getting pissed off by stupid, lousy Mango salesgirls at Raffles City with the usual predilection for serving ang moh customers first with that highly elusive thing called a 'smile' on their faces. What is the goddamn point?

F u c k fuck. Honestly, fuck this. Nothing is happening and I'm dying. I never knew that having nothing to do could be this excruciatingly mind-numbing. That's it. I'm calling up schools in the morning and begging them for relief teaching jobs. Slight problem: I forgot my MOE relief teaching application password and I can't access my application which means that my lousy prelim results are still in there.

You know you've been playing way too much Zuma when the words you're staring at which are supposed to be static strangely seem to be moving very, very slowly towards the right. My eyesight is going to the dogs, dammit, and this is coming from someone who yearns mournfully for perfect eyesight.

I'm on that 'connected to linksys signal low' Internet connection again, ie. with the modem switched off. I still don't understand why this is but hey. Who really cares.

What am I doing? I haven't written a really good entry in ages; in fact, I think I wrote a million times better last year when I was dying in junior college. But I'd rather die in junior college with brain cells intact than to die doing nothing with brain cells dying. Is this what it means to be directionless, aimless and unmotivated? I'm so tired of this perpetual limbo in which I'm stuck, so perpetual that it's fast turning into a tightly-sealed tomb.

I don't know I don't know I don't know. Nothing is happening and I'm dying. I'm not doing anything and I'm dying. Writing is a joke and that is killing me. I am tempted to blame Singapore for all of this, the unchanging scenery, the puny size, the boring people, but passing the buck is not going to solve the problem.

The one thing that will solve the problem, however, is to get to the root of it and nip it once and for all. But then again, the problem is precisely that: I really, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, have not the slightest clue what the root of the problem really is. Nothing is enough; entertainment is boring; writing is a joke; and nothing is happening and I'm dying.

What do you do when you don't have a reason to get out of bed every morning, when you don't need to get out of bed every morning? You rot, I guess. Metaphorically, of course; needless to say. I feel like I'm wasting my life away here (something which my dad can certainly and undoubtedly second) because all I do now is switch on the laptop and let it tell the time, literally and otherwise. People shouldn't live like this but what else is there for me to do?

Of all the things I imagined myself doing last year during this period, my current situation definitely did not come to mind. Oh fuck, seriously.

Okay, suddenly I don't know what to say anymore so I'll round up by saying that my mom made me call NUS' office of admission and I asked about the law letter and apparently it was only sent out yesterday (April 19) so I guess I was freaking out over nothing after all.

God, do I even really want to do Law? What do I really want?

Oh, I don't know, a shovel and a huge plot of land and someone to push me into the hole that I'd dig for myself and to shovel back the dirt, maybe. Nothing is happening and I'm dying, and it sure sucks like hell when you're in the real world and it's so vastly overrated and it's nothing like it's cracked out to be.

Think of a breath-taking closing sentence and paste it here; I sure as hell can't do that.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010