punch in the gut.
written: 12:28 p.m. on Friday, Apr. 22, 2005

Yesterday was an awful day for me and it really completely concretised my already-strong conviction that my life is a huge piece of shit and that things that seem to go well will always find some ways to fuck up in my face, and this is despite the Law letter.

What can I say? I've had enough of being let down, of being disappointed; of all people to do something like this to me, I would never have thought that it would be him. I shouldn't shoot the messenger, yadayada, but too damn bad for him because he started it in the first place.

Wednesday afternoon. Ten minutes after I woke up, my phone alerted me to a new received SMS; an offer to do relief teaching for GP at Jurong Junior for about three weeks max. It just so happened that Wednesday was the day that I was all ready to get off my lazy ass and call up schools in the area for something to do, and at that time, his SMS couldn't have came at a better time. So I was all, "Ah yes! I'm currently out of a job. Thank you!"

A few hours later he SMSed me again, asking me to go down to school at 4 on Thursday for a briefing. What else was I supposed to think then, except that wow I have finally got a damn job and it's one that I don't mind doing and it's so short-term that it's perfect?

Long story cut short, I got to school, saw him outside the general office and suddenly, the briefing magically transformed into an interview. Long story cut even shorter, I had not the faintest idea what was going on, how to answer their questions, the bubble that was all ready to lift me out of the perpetual ennui that has since became my life was too good to be true and sure enough, another SMS at 5.30 and it was all it took to poke a needle through the bubble and bring me crashing back into my life again.

Hello again life, and I am so fucking sick of you. I don't get it, really. Why did you even ask me in the first place when you had two other goddamn degree holders with teaching experience vying for the same fucking job? And hello, someone who has his masters in English/Lit/whatever should know that there is a stark difference between 'briefing' and 'interview'. I shouldn't shoot the messenger and it probably isn't entirely his fault but fuck rationality to hell because this sure isn't the first time that he's done something to make me feel bad about myself.

Well, thank you all the same for proving my bitter cynicism right. In fact, I shouldn't be surprised; things would seriously be strange if my life suddenly started playing out right.

Two things I matter most in life: Pride and money.

Two things I hate most in life: Embarrassment and stupidity.

Yesterday was embarrassment and stupidity and a huge denigration of my pride and saying goodbye to the money that could've been mine. I felt like I've been punched in the stomach, or stomped on repeatedly by stiletto heels. How abhorrent it is, the feeling of rejection. Vile bitter acid; the lousy grade 'C' that mars an otherwise perfect A Level results slip; and the tears that should flow but don't because you're too proud, bitter, and defiant to allow them to.

And what is most appalling is that I care enough to feel as awful as I still do. What an ass I am. How in the world did I honestly believe that something, anything, would turn out right just because I want it to? We are still talking about my life here, I'm sure.

Okay, my bad for being presumptuous, for being naive and stupid, for being me. Why don't you just fuck me upside down while you're at it?

I wasn't even going to write about this here because I thought that the embarrassment would be too much to take; that's why I didn't write anything yesterday even though I had quite a bit to write about. On second thoughts though, screw it all the same. I don't think my pride could be beaten any harder than it had been yesterday.

Oh well. Feelings and events that transpired were described better in my private diary and this entry is a piece of shit just like my life but I'm too hungry and tired and worn out to spend even more time trying to do hua she tian zu (can't be arsed to explain Chinese idiom) work to this entry so fuck it all to hell.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010