down.
written: 5:15 p.m. on Tuesday, Jul. 26, 2005
First, I woke up at 4.30 a.m. this morning for absolutely no rhyme or reason. Got out of bed, peed, sat down in the living room and stared at the TV with my dad, got back into bed, tossed and turned for like, two fucking hours and finally fell asleep.
Three hours later, I woke up. And now I'm feeling like I've been run over ten trillion times by a truck.
I think it was the tea I drank last night.
Second, I went to Raffles City today with the intention of blowing about five hundred bucks on clothes at Esprit and other cool places where I usually go to for clothes. Ten metres away from Esprit, I looked into my bag and realised that I forgot to bring my wallet.
It was horrible. I felt like shit. Luckily I found ninety bucks in my bag, or else I would've been stranded at Raffles City for a couple of hours with absolutely nothing to do, no diary, pen or paper, until my mom was done with her meeting at Tanjong Pagar before she could pick me up. Despite the ninety bucks, I still felt like shit, because I didn't have my ATM card with me and I felt so helpless and powerless without it, like I was walking stark naked in the middle of the frigid Raffles City for everyone to gawk at.
I think it's highly ironic that when I'm finally ready to spend my money, something just had to get in the way of me doing so. Maybe it's a sign.
And it'd be a sign - except that I don't believe in signs.
What the hell. I'm going back tomorrow. This is horrendous, absolutely heinous, because yesterday I was at Raffles City, intending to shop at Esprit, when I realised that I forgot to bring my birthday vouchers. And today, no fucking wallet/ATM card/EPC card.
My life is seriously screwing with me and there are so many things bothering me that I don't even know where to start to deal with them. It's not just today's horribly-botched shopping; it's everything, what my mom said to me in the car, school, the Cambridge application form and how I don't want to apply anymore, my mom telling me that I should anyway despite my telling her repeatedly that there's no way in hell I can ever make Cambridge Law, Clarence and this mad thing I feel for him that I don't remotely understand, how I'm suddenly vulnerable after two painful years of carefully building a protective brick wall around myself, fuck everything.
Rationality Logic Making Sense Non-Art Cold Hard Facts. Rationality and Logic. Logic and Rationality. Repeat and repeat again. Turn out the lights.
**
Oh well, what the fuck, I bought two tops from Mango so I'm happy.
I'm having my period. That's probably the main thing that woke me up this morning. I hate it, loathe it so much, I think I wanna go tie up my fucking tubes. I don't even want to give birth anyway so who cares.
But if it's going to hurt then forget it.
Above all else, I'm deathly afraid of physical pain. Even the tiniest red ant bite feels torturous. Emotionally, nothing kills me more than humiliation. Perhaps I am too proud for my own good, but I hate the feeling of being proven wrong, of being shot down, laughed at and sneered at.
Oh well, reading my archives now; 2003 entries and they're making me laugh. Yelen at 17 wasn't too smart.
Yelen at 16 was a total bimbo.
I think I like Yelen at 18 best, despite that huge stupid crush and all. Yelen at 19...seems a bit odd. Hopefully she won't revert to her 17-year-old, un-smart self.
Hmm, left the house with a grand total of 90 dollars, came home with a grand total of 10. Wahoo.
I NEED A JOB. Or someone to provide for me!!!
Well, no, I'm too proud for that so I need a job. But then again, I'm too lazy for that so...I don't know, I need to spend less? But what is life if one doesn't spend? Spending is enjoyment. Save for my grotesque figure, I feel damn good trying on clothes and buying them; it's so fun, it makes life worth living, it makes me happy even if it's only momentarily, takes my mind off things that I should think about but refuse to 'cause they're too complicated. Retail therapy is the best form of therapy, ever. Right next to writing.
I wish Jielun's Jian Dan Ai were real.
before sunrise // before sunset
Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010