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written: 9:53 p.m. on Wednesday, Jul. 27, 2005

For some reason or other I find it hard to shower before 11 p.m. I like to go to bed all fresh and clean and stuff like that, and wake up all fresh and clean and stuff like that. This probably makes no sense so screw it.

The published version of this entry will probably be heavily censored, in order to safeguard my privacy (or what's left of it) because......um, I dunno, some things aren't meant to be fed to voyeurs and vultures looking for a juicy piece of meat to devour. At times like these, this online diary thing is really quite a bad idea: I feel like I'm exposing myself for the whole damn world to jeer at (because my body is hideous), and under normal circumstances, I would totally welcome it as my intense narcissism feeds off it; nowadays, though, I just want to keep things to myself.

But oh well.

I spent the afternoon with Clarence. Morning was at Raffles City, Esprit, where I tried on a few items but left the store not buying anything. I was staring at myself in the dressing room, wearing this long-sleeved, white top with nice flowery thingies sewn on on top, trying to decide if I should buy it or not (and trust me, the fact that the stupid shirt costs 70 dollars played a large role in the decision-making process), or if I should get this black 3/4-sleeved lycra thingy with this odd-looking pink collar, very preppy and shit and odd which is why I liked it, yadayada, when suddenly I didn't feel like buying ANYTHING at all. I even wanted to buy this white t-shirt that says New York on it, just to be a total poseur, but somehow, I totally lost the urge to buy anything. I've not felt like this in a quite a while.

And so I walked out empty-handed. So very strange.

Still, I bought Chuck Palahniuk's Haunted - HARDCOVER - from MPH at $25.20. It was 20% off; the woman almost didn't give me a discount until I went, "Is that after the discount?" Awesome awesome awesome.

Bought a Joyce Carol Oates novel from Borders and three Penguin pocket books: Idiot Nation by Michael Moore (okay I couldn't resist; I like laughing at the USA), something by Roald Dahl and this collection of poems by Tony Harrison. Damn happy.

Then again, somehow I have this sneaking feeling that my new books would sit on my shelf for another ten years before I read them. Bleah, I really suck. I should read more.

Hmm, yeah, I should, anyway next topic please.

I spent the afternoon with Clarence. Met him at Orchard with his friend Justin. They'd just finished setting up a fish tank at Sixth Avenue. I saw the pictures and the video; god it looks fantastic. So awesomely nice, like an underwater paradise. I wouldn't mind becoming a fish just to live in that tank!

Lunch at Fish & Co SUCKED MAJOR ASS. God what the fuck, who the hell knows that coriander is xiang cai anyway!!!! Ugh it was horrible, I hate xiang cai more than ANYTHING else in the world. The smell makes me sick, the taste repulses me, I don't understand how people can EAT IT, and most importantly, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS CALLED IN ENGLISH.

NOW I KNOW. And it cost me about thirteen damn dollars to find out.

Okay, so shoot me for not knowing that 'parsley' is but I didn't take home economics so how was I supposed to know? Clarence ate my spaghetti and said it sucked too. I'm amazed that I managed to eat more than half of it.

Clarence ordered this huge drink, uh...what was it called? Well some ice-blended thing with pineapple and rambutan. It was huge, and when it arrived I realised that someone ordered the same thing that last night working in StarHub when everyone went to Fish and Co at the Glass House for dinner. I don't know why I'm mentioning this either.

Justin is damn cool but I felt like a big fat dork anyway. That happens all the time when I'm around people smarter than me: the inferiority complex happily kicks in and totally ignores my feelings, shutting out the part where I'm supposed to have grown up over the years, leaving me with nothing but a bimbotic smile and retarded phrases like "oh yeah" and "uh huh" in my fucking word bank.

I'm not good with meeting new people. I did, however, enjoy listening to them talk - it was funny. Justin's probably as crazy as Clarence is; not surprised at all that they're friends. Justin went off in French, I had no idea what he was saying, Clarence went, "Yeah you look good too" or something along those lines, I laughed, it was all good.

I speak Japanese. Uh, atashi wa tsuyoi! And um, atashi wa tensai!

Right, whatever, shut up Yelen.

No, wait, I can't tell myself to shut up when I'm supposed to be writing an entry. God my head REALLY BLOODY HURTS.

Okay. I rode in Clarence's car after lunch; he had to go to Jurong Junior to return the car to his mom. So yeah, I rode in his car, wasn't as scary as the first time, awesome adrenalin rush when he went really fast down the almost-empty highway. Funny thing was, he made himself dizzy while driving, and frankly, who does that, honestly? We were just talking about getting carsick (I said I'd probably get out of his car all giddy and shit - but I didn't!) and how he gets bus-sick but how he doesn't get carsick when he drives; ten minutes later, he was all, "I feel giddy."

HAHAHA oh my god he's so cute. Honestly, he is. Never met anyone quite like him, you know. He does the dumbest, most hilarious things, and the way he keeps forgetting things makes me laugh too. I probably shouldn't but I can't help it; it's too cute.

Hanging out with him at Jurong Junior was one of the weirdest experiences of my life, ever. In fact, being in Jurong Junior was just weird. The way people stared at you made you feel all out of place and uncomfortable, like you had no right to be there, an intruder on private property. And the obviously ironic thing is, I was there this time last year, attempting to study for the A Levels but actually goofing off with Mel and Pei. Fun times eroded; now the place is just a building to which I haven't any ties. No more.

I HATE JURONG JUNIOR. Team JJ...HAHAHAHAHAHA fuck off. What the hell is "jurong junior", really? Whatever.

We had rum and raisin ice cream. Nice. I owe him a dollar. His mom drove us to NTU. I thought it would be kind of weird, but it wasn't at all. It was pretty cool. If it'd been my mom it would've been WEIRD to the furthest extremes.

NTU. Hung out in his room. It's nice and cosy, more lived-in than his room in his house. He wanted to paint his fingernails white and found some white nailpolish in the refrigerator (don't ask me). I painted his thumb but it looked hideous. I've never painted nails for anyone before, and his nails are cut really deep and I didn't want to get nailpolish on his fingers, so it looked disgusting, and I'm embarrassed.

I said, "Esprit sells white nailpolish. It looks like liquid paper though."

He asked, "What's nailpolish?"

Sigh. How can anyone not like that?

Well, I had a curfew. My mom called twice to ask me to buy some stuff, and I was trying to fib to her about my whereabouts until I committed this major faux pas. Like, I said, "I'm on my way home", she asked, "Are you taking the bus or the train", my brains fucked up and left my mouth saying, "I don't know."

I'm so stupid. Whatever. I didn't want to leave at all but I had to in the end. And now I just miss him. I missed him the second I boarded the stupid bus that took me out of NTU. It came too early; it arrived immediately upon my reaching the bus stop. A bit later would've been nice.

How do I explain this? I don't know. Having a few equations and facts and theories would probably be helpful. I'm so dysfunctional that I freak out the minute I can't explain something, when I'm faced with feelings that make absolutely no sense to me. Things that aren't cerebral, things that you just feel, instinctively, like this Clarence thing, god I'm scared. He's probably going to read this but fuck it: I think about him all the time, first thought of the day, "Clarence!", last thought of the day, "I miss Clarence", can you explain why because I don't understand, but maybe some things shouldn't be explained and I should just leave this at that.

These are unchartered waters, totally unfamiliar. Hopefully I won't end up drowning.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010