hit me with your best shot.
written: 4:28 p.m. on Sunday, Oct. 16, 2005

Also, I thought Latin was a dead language so why does the law continue to insist on using Latin phrases that truncates my on-going attempt at making sense of what I'm reading? Do you know how abosolutely tedious it is to stop mid-sentence and Google the odd Latin phrases I come across and reading the definition of said Latin phrase and then going back to the stupid article and trying to put the pieces together? Effectively I'm reading one sentence twice at least which is retarded and which could've been avoided if they'd used English. Instead of saying novus actus interveniens, why can't they say 'an intervening act that breaks the chain of causation'?

I can't believe I have to take a two-hour maybe-practical criticism test at the end of this week. To make matters worse, I never once wrote a halfway-passable prac crit essay in my two years at JC, and the only decent one I wrote was for the A Levels - which I obviously don't have with me and I don't even remember 90% of what I wrote. Even if I wanted to prepare for the test I can't because my own stuff are crap and the stuff that the Bulldog gave? I used them as rough paper.

And so I feel messed up again. When things hit a rough patch my first instinct is to find a way out and to run from it as fast as I possibly can. No use staying around trying to fix things, damage is always irreparable, and trying is too emotionally consuming; and this 'rough patch' is really a deep hole filled with shit when you rip off its veil and expose it for what it truly is. And I've been swimming in shit for the past few months; I just sink lower and lower with each passing day.

I say this a lot, and it's so true that I don't know what I'm doing. Khai said this year is a watershed year and if a year has to be life-altering and confusing with cruel subversive powers that undercut everything you thought you stood for in order to be described as 'watershed' then yes, this is a watershed year, and the enormity of what I chose is finally sinking in.

Sometimes it scares me that 'nothing' is the only thing I want to do. Trying to try becomes banal, trying to ignore the banality of your life and the place you go to every weekday is tiring, trying to get over the past is onerous and nostalgia keeps waging a war and it's a battlefield in there and I keep fighting on the losing end.

I thought maybe I could do this, and I went into this with huge aspirations and real inspiration to get what I want. Who would've known that I would burn out exactly a week later? It's so preposterous that I don't know whether to laugh or cry, and I'm inclined towards blaming everything on this other thing, so much less important, that was going on then, and these two events, happening simultaneously, both fucking up with excruciating nonchalance for my well-being and murdering my self-esteem, they're the elements that make up 'watershed' and I think if I took them out the equation everything would be okay again, but how do you undo something that is already past?

I thought I could develop an interest for this but we're nearing the end of the first semester and my irritation and abhorrence and hatred towards it only increase exponentially. And you know that you've been fucked over and over by your own retarded lack of decisiveness and fickle-ness and that strange, curious lapse in judgement when you thought you could get away with this but you can't, you really can't, and in the light of this knowledge what do you do to make it better?

Being you, you run away. But of course, and I've already ceased to be surprised. You were always so afraid of being average and failing was your greatest fear and being average equals failing so now your two great fears have finally collapsed into one and I hope you're happy for not doing anything to confront it and doing everything to let it consume you.

How hard is it to send an SMS saying, "I'm in a mess and I need to talk"? At times like these your pride should be the least of your consideration but you keep insisting on being so stubborn so okay, you can just go on being like this and fuck up your exams and prove all your detractors right, that Jurong Junior kids are always Jurong Junior kids and that it was a fluke that you got in.

When my friends bitch about lengthy Lit papers all I feel is envy. My immatury will never cease to astound me; no matter how much I think I'm used to it, it always comes back and hit me in the face twice as hard.

I'm so annoyed at the stupid research binder thing.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010