too cool for school.
written: 7:57 p.m. on Tuesday, Sept. 05, 2006

I don't know what triggered this feeling of deep-seated ennui in me; neither do I know why I felt damn fucking irritated and pissed off and annoyed the whole fucking day in school. It's the same old: falling asleep in Property because it's fucking 9 in the morning; not giving a shit in Trial Advocacy because it's a zero-credit module and I'm not exactly one who aspires towards a lifetime's worth of tireless and hot-shot lawyering; and not understanding ANYTHING in Company tutorial and hating the hell out of it purely on the basis that it's forced down my throat.

It's been a while since I last felt so compelled to swear, even out loud to myself in the middle of nowhere. So fuck it all. I cannot bear the thought of going through a rehash of Year 1 and I will fight it with every fibre of my being; but today brought back reminders of all that I hated about law school, the angst that pervaded through me for the whole of last year, all the issues I had last year that I ultimately pushed aside without truly dealing. It's social, it's academic, it's the nature of law school and how it does not gel with my nature, thus rendering it more or less meaningless. I'm doing it because it's something that just has to be done. There's no passion, no joy, not even the slightest hint of like, just spates of indifference and irritation and negativity. Most of all, there's just indifference, apathy, disinterest.

You wonder what the point is, but then you catch yourself and remind yourself that there IS no point; there wasn't one to begin with. Things are just because they are - end of fucking story. You wonder why you put yourself through such crap - and mind, you're not the only one that wonders - and the answer lies in an intrinsic stubbornness that refuses to give in because you know you're better than that. And yet, what do you have to prove? Who remotely even gives the slightest fuck? Is it a personal triumph, some sort of warped sense of validation at having gone through something you hate like hell relatively unscathed? But when all is said and done, is it truly worth it?

����˵����, who the fuck even cares?

I don't know what I'm trying to prove, why I fight it the way I do. I found myself missing the hell out of Jurong again today - it's never a good thing when I miss an educational institution, because I'm not the type to go all sentimental over school and whatever. But it wasn't about Jurong as a school, but Jurong as a place where I found amazing people and I miss those amazing people and I'd do anything to trade the invasive superficiality that stinks up the claustrophobic air-conditioned corridors of NUS Law School with the genuine, unpretentious friendship I found back in Jurong. They didn't make friends for the sake of appearances; in fact, there were no appearances to begin with. Things were so much easier back then. I had Mel, I had Peixuan, and for a while I had Jesselyn (I hate myself for letting her go the way I did). And that was pretty much it and it was more than enough because the people who weren't my close friends in its traditional conception, I mostly liked all the same.

Of course, hindsight is always 20/20. And for once, I'm fucking thankful for that.

**

It's been this way since time immemorial and it's still the same. No one truly gets me. Not before, not now, not ever. They think they do, but they don't. There's always some kind of barrier between us, seemingly insurmountable - beliefs, physical distance, personality, interests. Hence, I subscribe to solipsism, am solipsistic, hence I'm cynical and jaded, hence I place my faith in the certainty that you'd leave ("you" here not referring to anyone in particular).

You'd think that I'd score karma points or something for all the times I listened to other people - their problems, their random rambles, their good news, their crap. Yeah, well, turns out there was never any consideration whatsoever in these...dealings. It's always been a one-way street, hasn't it?

How I wish I had a friend like myself.

See, there I go being solipsistic again.

**

If I feel nothing but negativity towards my country, what makes you think I'd feel the tiniest aota of positivity towards my school(s)?

**

I want a shirt that says "Too cool for school".

**

Edited to add:

Turns out it IS PMS. Just disregard this entire stupid entry.

I haven't started reading CLT. I drank bubble tea just now and now I feel sick. I want to sleep.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010