a great day.
written: 1:29 p.m. on Saturday, Jan. 13, 2007

Five years ago, when I started writing in here, I took considerable effort in trying to conceal my identity. I didn't tell my friends about it, I didn't reveal vital information like what school I went to, I gave pseudonyms to the people I wrote about. In fact, I've never once revealed my real name here, and in its place was a too-convenient nickname that looked way too much like my real name. But it served its purpose. That was enough.

So what happened, Self? I have no idea. I have no idea how people found me, I don't remember who I gave access to, and at one point in time I think I got so big-headed that I decided, To fuck with the anonymity thing. I suppose it wasn't difficult for people to find me; I was the only person from SNGS to be in JJC Arts. It was pretty much a forgone conclusion. And, seriously, an online journal kept by a JJC student with the kind of writing it contained? Let's just say that the possible candidates were limited to a very, very, very narrow few.

And now I'm in law and I continue to be in the minority by being the other JJC student to be in law so, well, another obvious conclusion.

Does it bother me that my classmates - people with whom my relationship is limited to a polite/friendly (depending on my mood) 'hello' - read this? Depends on who's reading, I guess, and for what purpose. I'm not so oblivious as to not have any idea at all that the recent surge in referrals from a law friend's blog is due to their sudden interest in me in light of what transpired over the past couple of months, and me being as honest as I am when I'm writing here, I guess I am giving them what they're here for. So why do I keep doing it? Why do I continue to lay my thoughts so bare on a public sphere when most of it is better left private or shared amongst my close-knit friends?

Because it's writing and it's my only way out, sometimes it's a way through, most of the time I don't care who's reading or what information they sieve out from my entries and what they do with that information, not because I'm being defensive, but because I genuinely do not care what people think or say. That, and I've been writing in here for so long that it feels like my own special little space where I can hide in when I don't feel like dealing with real life. I suppose the irony is that my 'special little space' is currently shared with, what, 50, 60 people a day, but I'm quite okay with taking the good with the bad.

Or maybe I'm just an attention whore. Well, it doesn't matter, does it? Things are, I am, that's the way it is.

**

My throat is killing me right now. Yesterday was spent with Mag in pretty much its entirety and it was fucking awesome. We bussed down to Marina after lecture where we had lunch at our usual place and laughed a lot. She ordered this...absolutely amazing blackforest cheesecake and it was SO. DAMN. GOOD. Being me though, I found myself squeezing my tummy a few times, and yes I also think it's sad that I can't properly enjoy a nice cheesecake which is honestly damn good without being paranoid about getting fat.

Anyway, I'm trying to pin down what caused the sore throat so I think that was Factor #1.

Next, we headed to Starbucks for like 5 minutes where I downed my second espresso ever. I ordered a single (I was staring at the menu and trying to figure out what the heck a 'solo' was, until I mentally slapped myself and went, Duh) shot and when my espresso was ready the guy said something about local beans or whatever and how it was double and if I was okay with that. I had no idea what he was talking about but if I was getting more than what I paid for, then hell yeah. So I was all, Yeah sure, no worries, then I sat down and drank it, and I almost died. On hindsight, I probably shouldn't have drank it black and unsweetened, but I really wanted some really bitter coffee that wasn't a latte and the espresso was the most logical thing to get.

But when have you ever been logical, Self? True that.

Anyway, my throat felt like fuck after and I downed my bottle of water immediately and yeah that was stupid. But the espresso made me high the way the cheesecake made Mag high, so there's always some sliver of a silver lining in an otherwise dark cloud.

Also, there was some DVD warehouse sale thingy outside Giant and I bought My Neighbour Totaro which I grew up watching whilst in Taipei and thus am very, very fond of, as well as Brando's A Streetcar Named Desire which I've wanted to watch since forever, especially since it's based on a William S. Burrough play.

Do you realise how we latch on to whatever scraps of memorabilia we can find of our childhood in a desperate, pathetic attempt to relive it? And for what reason, what purpose? I do think it's easier if we just accept that it's over, and that it's never coming back. Because I watched the anime in Chinese and I'm thinking it's going to be weird watching it in Japanese now and it won't be the same, just an attenuated, bastardised version of what it was like, and sometimes I do think I'd rather have nothing than to have half of what I had, or half of what I could have. I don't know why I'm so extreme; it's just the way it is. And yet, I can't entirely live with having nothing either, because it's too sad, so I suppose it's about choosing the option that causes less sadness. I suppose that option more or less involved buying that DVD.

Well, anyway. I had no water left after the espresso and we went to KBox for about three hours and the lack of water was really quite painful. It was fun, it really was. I feel sorry for the people that have to go to KBox with me because it means subjecting themselves to an overload of Jay Chou songs. Because I only know Jay Chou songs. Because I used to be a Jay Chou fangirl. And to some extent I think that fangirl is kinda latent in me. So I suppose it was a very good thing that Mag happens to like Jay Chou too. Um, haha. I haven't listened to my Leehom Heroes of the Earth CD in quite a bit and I'm SOOO in love with that CD again, especially Hua Tian Cuo. And, yeah. We did Qian Li Zhi Wai and it was bloody funny. Yep. And I was completely gushing over Kenji Wu because I still think he's sooooo totally cute! I know he's a total taike but he's still damn cute and he's not as taike as Stanley Huang and his Machi crew and hell I don't even think Kenji W. is as taike as Jielun so yeah I wasn't that far gone. I'm so tempted to buy his CD even though I know I probably wouldn't like more than three songs but hey. I'm still broke, though, the last I checked.

So the KBox + lack of water shot the throat to hell a bit more. Mag very kindly accompanied me for a drink after. We wanted to go to Morton's for their happy hour but it was full - which was pretty much another silver lining because we eventually ended up at Axis Bar, which is like opposite Morton's, and it was sooo fantastic. Awesome view of the river and the whatever buildings and awesome company. Awesome, awesome ambience. Like, absolutely fantastic. It was nice and quiet and relaxing and I felt like a bit of a fraud sitting there 'cause I didn't know what 90% of the stuff in the drinks menu were, but it was okay because mostly I didn't care. And I had Mag so who cared. We shared a strawberry margarita which was a lot bigger than I'd envisioned, and despite it tasting like cough syrup, I enjoyed it. And it was happy hours (which we completely stumbled upon) so we got to pay less too. HAHA. Shit, I'm such a retarded cheapskate.

Anyway, I think Mag and I started seriously disturbing the peace later. Mag got high, and because she got high I got high along with her. When I drink I'd get high if I'm with the right company; otherwise, I'd just get sleepy. And Mag...is obviously right company. Soon after I started giggling like a total retard at all the crappy things she was saying and she was laughing away too and I think the people in our vicinity were wishing we'd just get the hell out of there. But who cares, right? Because really, who cares?

All in all, yesterday was fantastic. I went to Mag's service after our drink and it was an interesting experience. I think it's always good to have a better understanding of people's faiths.

So anyway I have to go grab shampoo from the Natural Source (thanks JoMel for the recommendation) and I don't know where it is so I'm gonna google it and it's 3 already and if I don't leave now it's gonna get more crowded so yeah.

Public Law lecture yesterday was also fantastic. I listened, oh my god! Quite determined at this moment not to shoot it to hell. But who knows how long that'd last. If there's anything I put my faith in, it's that I'd lose interest pretty quickly. C'est la vie, and all that.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010