i care about my future.
written: 12:26 a.m. on Friday, Feb. 23, 2007

I realised something over the past couple of days: I've been in denial of the fact that I'm in law school ever since the second week of Year 1 semester 1. It's a fact I live with every day, but it's a reality I sleep-walk through at best. The decision to do law was made with a half-arsed cost-benefit analysis that didn't actually truly take place - in order words, I never fully considered the implications of my decision, never thought through it properly, and merely rode on the sudden hubris that struck me when I received the acceptance letter.

And yes, I admit, I'm fickle and indecisive and I rush into things without fully considering their implications and consequences; being in law is the most obvious proof of that. For the past three semesters and a half, I thought I was entitled to blow off my academic responsibilities purely on the grounds that I made the biggest mistake of my life, bar none; but a few wake-up calls later, I realised, truly realised, how fucking retarded and selfish and indulgent I've been.

If not for anything else, the very fact that I'm wasting my dad's CPF money on a course I'm not even putting any sliver of effort in is enough justification for any random person to call me self-centered and immature. My mother is right: My dad spends all these money on my education and I'm not even taking it seriously. How irresponsible, how immature, how selfish.

And truth be told, much as I can't stand the route I got myself into, there are worse things in the world that could've happened to me, worse places I could've ended up in, worse fate that could've befallen me. Like not having a choice. I thought I didn't have a choice; but the fact is, this is what I chose, for whatever misguided reason, and since I'm stuck here for the next couple of years at least, I might as well just make the best of it.

Therefore, I have decided to apply to a few firms for internship this coming holidays. It's kind of late now and I have an assignment due on Monday and I have no idea what the hell to do at all and my grades suck so much ass that I can't even begin to describe how bad they are, but for someone who, two days ago, couldn't possibly care any less about internships and pulliage and whatever else, the fact that I came to this decision is quite a big step. And I will deal with it when the Pub Law assignment is over.

I need to stop being in denial, stop breathing underwater. I don't know what I've been doing with myself, wasting my time, producing nothing of merit worth mentioning at all. How terribly disgusting. The 18-year-old me would be quite frank about everything and just say, "Fuck, you're an idiot." She was driven, you know. The whole A Levels, bright-future-ahead business, knowing with full certainty what she wanted and fighting like hell to get it. I don't know why I regressed to my 16-year-old self, but there you go. It happened. And I've always wanted to stay 18 forever. I've never felt more sure and confident than I did when I was 18.

I need to get that person back, stop screwing up my life, and do what I have to do. And that's the gameplan I'm gonna work with for now. Whatever comes after graduation...comes after graduation. (Sorry, but I can never fully get rid of my avoidance tendencies.)

**

To the few individuals who helped me see the light: I'm not going to name names, you'll probably never know how much your words meant to me, you probably don't know who you are; but to all of you, thank you from - excuse the cliche - the bottom of my heart, without reservation, without cynicism. Your wake-up call, your reproach, your unintended encouragement, telling me what I needed to hear as opposed to what I wanted to hear. No matter how harsh the truth is, you laid it all out for me and I really needed that; no matter how uncomfortable it made me, you helped me see the position I'm in and how I've been unabashedly and blatantly taking it for granted and I honestly needed to see that. People have been telling me the same things over and over again, but it's only when they're coming from people that I love and cherish and respect that makes all the difference.

I'm turning twenty-one in July. That thought still scares the fuck out of me and I wish I could stall it or prevent it from happening altogether; but denial is your worst enemy and so I think it's time I grew up and started acting like an adult.

An adult. Sometimes I feel like I haven't even lived. But turning 21 really isn't the final nail in the coffin, much as I liked to believe otherwise, so I suppose all is not lost.

**

So yes, my epiphany for the week. Shock and horror, I actually give a damn about my future. Like, oh my god, NO WAY.

But seriously, I honestly don't know if it'll last. Knowing myself, I may wake up tomorrow and think, "What the fuck was I thinking last night? Internships? Me?! Yeah, right." And yes, that's about my biggest character flaw, my inability to stick to a decision, the way I'm constantly changing my mind.

But I think I'm going to stick to this one, because it's the important matters in my life, things I care about whole-heartedly, about which I've always been constant. Like Julius Caesar: "I am constant like the Northern star." Cheesy, but true.

Above all else, I'm tired of hiding, of being afraid of asserting myself, of letting this deeply-entrenched sense of enervated ennui take control all the time. It's detrimental, both in the short run and in the long run. I'm tired of being mediocre.

Once and for all, okay?

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010