the one thing needful.
written: 9:07 p.m. on Tuesday, Jul. 03, 2007

I haven't stepped out of the house in two days, save for the short visit to the doctor last night. I can talk again but for some reason, whenever the late afternoon rolls around, I start feeling ill and heaty and giddy. I detest the present humidity with all my heart and soul.

I need my social life back. But it's not bad being stuck at home actually. My Taiwanese grandparents are here, along with my little cousin who is very entertaining and really cute. As a general rule I want absolutely nothing to do with kids, even kids who are related to me by blood; but this kid cousin of mine? She's damn smart. Not in the nerdy bookish way, but in the observant, knows when to leave you alone, knows how to deal with people sort of way. Possibly street smart, yes. And she's only 8.

Her older brother (I think he's a couple of years older) is off at boarding school learning English, the main reason why they're here. When he was staying at my house over the weekend though, the two of them made so much damn noise that I honestly didn't know whether to be amused or irritated. In the end though, amusement won me over. I thought the sister would get bored or lonely without the brother but she's been self-sufficient thus far. She doesn't cry, doesn't whine, doesn't complain, simply does her thing and comes into my room to borrow my small comb to comb her stuffed cat's fur, or talk to me about random things. My brother likes her too, which is rare because he doesn't like kids either. He finds her amusing, which she is.

And because I'm sick, we haven't gone out at all. I feel sorry for them all, I do. I can't imagine being stuck in the Taipei apartment for TWO DAYS STRAIGHT, doing nothing, not going out. Torture!

Anyway, I realise that my birthday's coming and I still haven't decided on where to hold my celebration thingy. I'm throwing a celebration thingy for the first and the last time because I figured, If I don't do it now, I'd never do it, because the whole turning 21 thing is the perfect excuse for someone like me to be all thick skinned and uncharacteristic and orchestrate her own birthday celebration. I hate my birthday because they've been mostly depressing and crap in the past, and certain events that transpired this year made it look like my birthday is going to suck, again. And so I decided to avoid all that trauma of being in one place on my birthday and wishing I were elsewhere and just do something for myself. Fuck it, and all that.

The problem is? It's a huge waste of money. My parents spent $2700 on my Tag Heuer, and now they're going to spend even more money on this birthday crap. And I still want to go London for a short visit after my Harry E. internship which I can't possibly expect them to sponsor after they've spent so much on me. And frankly, I'd rather spend the money on London than on some birthday crap but since the birthday is definite thing and the London trip not so much, the choice is obvious.

And the other problem? I suck at planning. I put everything off to the last possible minute 'cause that's the kind of person I am. I was supposed to call Fish n Co last Friday to ask if they could give me some sort of a set menu but I HAD to go and lose my voice, and now that I can sort of talk again, I'm too lazy to do it. Besides, I've decided a buffet is better. But it'd suck if there's gonna be other people in the restaurant. And I don't wanna hold it at my grandma's house 'cause 1) it's in the East and not exactly accessible; and 2) it's not my house and thus it's just kinda weird.

I think I'm going to offend some people whom I would inevitably not invite. I would love to invite the whole world but I have to consider costs and the impact it's making on my parents' bank account balance. We're not rich. We've always been comfortably middle-class. We live in the smallest condo ever and we drive a fucking Toyota Altis. Before I graduate, it's therefore a given that, well, we're not rich. And I personally have 50% of a thousand bucks in my lousy bank account, so there you go.

I would love to have money though. Everyone would love to have money. And it's therefore good that I'm on a safe path that I could leave any minute instead of vice versa: be on no path and wanting to get on the safe path, but it's not that easy to climb up; it's always easier to scale down.

Anyway, I checked out the modules for the new academic year and I made a list of the modules that interested me. Unsurprisingly and rather tragically, all the law and culture modules made my list. I was looking at Banking, reading the description, and in my head I was all, "Fuck, if I took this module, I will die. Without a shadow of doubt."

Because...banking? Seriously?

But that's where the money is, right? Argh. I shall wait for Phase 1 of registration to be over before I start tearing my hair out choosing between the heart and the mind, or rather and more accurately, attempting to strike a balance between the two. Which is gonna be hard 'cause I'm not a balanced person. At all. I'm, like, imbalanced. Unhinged. Nuts.

Okay, no, but whatever.

I realised a bit belatedly that it's a good thing, having options. And so it doesn't make sense to have that curtailed by my inherent and incorrigible laziness and lackadaisical attitude. Because it's no longer about using your failure to even try as an excuse for your failure; it's about more now, stepping up to the plate, being the person you ought to be.

And then there's something else. I think we can shop around for other suitable partners all we want. I can shop around for guys to see which ones are right for me, go out with all sorts of random people, but when we really, really get down to the basics, the fundamental basis for anyone's existence, all we want is to emotionally connect with another human being. It's rare when that happens, you're lucky if it ever happens to you, and when it doesn't happen to you you're not inclined to stay with your current partner, and neither are you inclined to advance to anything more serious with a member of the opposite sex with whom you have a platonic relationship. Having fun is one thing, as is meeting someone who meets all your requirements on your Perfect Guy checklist; but having that emotional connection is quite another altogether.

But I don't know what that means. I don't know why it even matters. But it feels so life-changing, so larger than life, as if it's the only thing you need in the world...but how can that be when you don't know what it means, why it matters? Is it a gut thing, an intuitive conviction that allows you just know? But what does that even mean?

The whole "the one" thing - what does that even mean? People break up with their "the one" all the time. What does it even matter?

Plainly, I am still confused. There are still things in my life I'm loathe to give up, issues within myself I haven't yet sorted out. I still don't know what I want, basically. Maybe it's not that important; it's only the one thing needful, is all.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010