Cookie is DAMN. FUNNY. (+ words are my crack.)
written: 8:30 p.m. on Wednesday, Apr. 23, 2008
I have nothing better to do so I opened up my Word documents of David's old blog entries and I am inspired enough to share.
He is so fucking hilarious. I laughed out loud a few times while reading his entries; my mom even came in to ask what I was laughing about and if I could share the joke with her. (Needless to say, when I told her that I was laughing over David's blog entries, she said I was 'siao' and left the room. Hahaha.)
I knew that she wouldn't get it so I didn't bother. But I'm just so amused and tickled right now that I have to blog about it or my life is over.
The Highlights:
1. In an entry about a photoshoot: I posed in my sexiest pair of lace undergarments for some promotional photography earlier this week, under the watchful "eye" of Ms. Randi Kampeter. It was entirely too much fun and I can't wait to show you the results. We just have to find a way to wash seminal fluid out of an aperture lens (that was a joke.)
David darling, you know I love you and find you heart-stoppingly sexy. But even then, I have zero desire to see you in lace underwear. Thank you very much.
And the seminal fluid? OMFG YOU'RE DISGUSTING. (True story: I was all, WTF seminal? Then I googled it and found out that he did not mean it in the "seminal case of Hong Kong Fir" whatever sort of way. I'm never going to look at this word in the same way again.)
2. In an entry titled "iTunes and their recent addition of the Dave...": You can now buy "Analog Heart" on iTunes! Go there as soon as humanly possible and snag it before they (never) run out!
Okay, so maybe it's not exactly ROFL-ly hilarious, but I LOL-ed anyway.
3. In an entry about merchandise: Just got the T-shirts in. I'll post a mock up picture of them here in a few, but know that they're in, and according to Cosmopolitan Magazine, "these shirts are the newest fad sweeping the nation." I swear...
I about died. laughing.
But wouldn't it be ironic, though, that two years later (he wrote that entry in September 2006) that might actually come true?
(Side note: WTF? My brother's listening to The Strokes. When did he steal my CD?!)
4. In an entry asking people to nominate him for Tulsa's music awards: And while you're at it, you can nominate David Cook (that's me, by the way...) for whatever awards you see fit.
No shit, David. I would never have guessed that a David Cook MySpace account belonged to David Cook.
5. In an entry about his follow-up album to Analog Heart, whose release got put on hold because of Idol (!!!!!! I WANT TO HEAR THE SECOND ALBUM): New songs are coming together sexy-like.
For some reason the 'sexy-like' had me in stitches. I don't know why.
6. In a 2004 entry from what I guessed was his personal Xanga account (the preceding excerpts are from the MySpace account he set up to promote his solo music): So, OH MY GOD!!! Today, at lunch, Peter totally told this joke, and it was SOOOOO funny. LMFAO. He is so cute. Then, during 5th period, My friend, Kerri, totally had crimson tide, so I took her to the bathroom, and Francine Roberts was in there. What a pig! Anyway, tonight's going to be so awesome. I'm going with Justine and Kerri to go watch this totally BOSS show. It's this acoustic rock-type guy, John Nixon. He reminds me of this totally hot Ashton Kutcher with JTT's eyes. wow, what a hottie. See you there.
If the universe needs more proof that David Cook + Yelen = OTP*, the above entry is TOTALLY it. Does NO ONE else see the parallels to my "like, totally" catchphrase?! Because I, like, TOTALLY see them. TOTALLY.
(*OTP = One True Pairing. Also known as: soulmates.)
And 'crimson tide'? I STILL HAVEN'T STOPPED LAUGHING AT THAT ONE.
7. In a short entry about a book that he was reading called "Masturbation: The History of a Great Terror" (I don't want to know why he was reading that book): I'm reading this because masturbation is scary....Don't do it kids.
I found it effing hilarious the first time I ever saw his Xanga posts (which was like, in early March) and I STILL find it effing hilarious.
8. Thanks to everyone who came to the Tulsa show on the 30th. It was far too much fun. I will promise, however, to NEVER wear a cow costume again...or drink myself retarded while in a cow costume. I think I got caught playing with my fake teats at least 5 times. Kinda sad, if you think about it. I was also forced to say moo about 50 times at the Village Inn. Damn you Andy Skib.
Seriously? "Sad" doesn't even BEGIN to cover it.
He's soooo adorable OMG. (Andy Skib = Midwest Kings band mate. If I'm not wrong he was/is the lead vocalist. Yes, David didn't sing for Midwest Kings CAN YOU BELIEVE IT.)
9. In an entry about a girlfriend: ...so hopefully, my deodorant will live up to it's slogan and let my body heat turn it on.
ARGH, I just love his dry/deadpan sense of humour. I do wonder what cologne that is though. Maybe I'll Google it later.
And yes, I know, it's "its slogan" and not "it's slogan". David still loses no points with me, however. <3
And that's about it. I'm kind of dying here for more David blog entries but I'll have to do some serious digging to unearth everything and quite frankly I'm not resourceful enough to know where to look and what keywords to use, etc.
He's just so funny. SO FUNNY. His sense of humour does come across on the show and in his interviews and behind-the-scenes footages, but reading it just reinforces the funny. I've always enjoyed whatever of his sense of humour that I have access to, and these excerpts are but one portion of it.
(The Top 8 filmed some Ford commercial where they were playing with paint and driving the Ford cars in wet paint and whatever, and David had paint on his shirt, and he went, "This was NOT in the brochure!" Argh OMG fangirl freakout please, thank you very much.)
Still, I must say that I think he used/uses the ellipsis too much which is a bit annoying. Not sure if it comes across from the excerpts but it definitely came across from reading all the blog entries that I saved. In my opinion that can't possibly get any more humble, the ellipsis is one of the most abused and misused punctuation in the history of the English language. Just look at an average Singaporean blog, and you'll definitely concur with me. Of course, David hasn't committed murder of the ellipsis in the first degree; it's not even technically a crime, and save for that masturbation blurb where he put an extra period, he doesn't get it wrong (i.e. some people think it's '..', or even worse, '..................' ad finem. It's three fucking dots. How hard is it to remember three fucking dots?).
But it's a personal nitpick, and it's quite a big one. I honestly don't understand why a person insists on using the ellipsis when it's not necessary and when the sentence simply isn't calling for 1) hesitation; 2) ambiguity; 3) a trailing off effect; and 4) suspense. Why write "I went to school...we had English class...the teacher was late...I hate my teacher...she's a skanky hobag..." when you can do it properly and write "I went to school and we had English, for which the teacher was late. I hate my teacher! She's a skanky hobag." Doesn't that make your "prose" look infinitely better? Doesn't that make you look less wishy-washy and shuffly feet and, on the whole, more assertive and less uncertain? Why would anyone want to come across as wishy washy and uncertain?
David doesn't do that, thankfully. He can actually, gasp, punctuate properly! He's not as good a writer as he is a musician (duh) but I think he's a decent enough writer.
OH MY GOD I WANT TO MARRY HIM NOW.
I think he's flipped through the thesaurus a few times before in his life though. In a few of his songs he used "cheem" words in a way that quite clearly betrayed the thesaurus-flipping. Meaning: You know how sometimes the synonyms (I took about ten seconds to spell that - I am honestly quite alarmed. The other day I had trouble spelling 'anonymous'. What's happening to my mad spelling skillz?!) of a word don't mean exactly what the word means? (If you don't, you should.) Words have nuances, and what distinguishes a writer from a mere "geek for vocab", to borrow David's phrase, is sensitivity to the nuances of words. Just because the thesaurus tells you that "farcical" is synonymous with "funny", doesn't mean that you should, or are right to, substitute the latter with the former. Just ask yourself if this makes sense: "David Cook is a very farcical guy." Or even worse, "satirical" (actually, I have no idea if the thesaurus lists "satirical" as a synonym for "funny"; the last time I touched a thesaurus was probably when I was in secondary school. I am also a geek for vocab, but why bother with a thesaurus when you can just read the dictionary?). "David Cook is a very satirical guy." Er, sorry, what does that even mean? He's a satire? Of what? He's a farce? Okay, this kind of makes sense from a hater's point of view, but even then a 'farce' is used in relation to situations and...for want of a better way to phrase it, non-living things. It's not used in relation to people. You don't call someone a "farce" the same way you call, for instance, George W. Bush a "joke". Why? I have no idea. It's just the way it is.
I feel bad for even saying this about David because the most immediate example of his thesaurus-flipping is from a song he wrote for his older brother. Actually, now that I think about it, he was probably looking at a list of antonyms and not synonyms. The wrongly-used word was "benign", used to describe his feelings, and it was supposed to stand in contrast to "malignancy". He probably meant "helpless" or something along the lines of "out of control", "unable to assert" himself, something like that. I can't really think of a more appropriate word to replace "benign" that conveys what he wanted to convey with that word. And I am confident that he chooses his words very carefully because he's a word nerd and a geek for vocab.
I really should have been an English major. WTF am I even doing in law school? I got more kick out of trying to take apart the word "benign" and put it in the context of the lyric and then trying to think of a better word than anything I've done in law school. Seriously. I'm not just a word nerd/geek for vocab; I live and breathe this shit. This is what makes me tick. Maybe being an English teacher wouldn't have been the worst thing to happen to me. If I wasn't that dead set against teaching, I might have given up law school and gone to England.
Sorry, I can't help it - sometimes I still wish I had. I'm not trying to toot my own trumpet or anything, but I have the goods. I honestly think that I write better than many, MANY English/Creative Writing/English Literature/Journalism majors, journalists, and published and bestselling authors out there. I am versatile in the sense that I can write anything, and I have the brains to write things that are worth reading.
Am I bitter? You bet I am. But the real question is: When am I going to fight for what I want?
I think I'm just feeling more angsty now than before because pupillage applications are coming up and I can't put off making a decision any longer. In a perfect world I would give up the relatively lucrative job for toughing it out as a starving writer in a big city that is not called Singapore. Then again, in a perfect world law school would never have happened, I would never have stuck my head so far up my ass that I somehow managed to con myself into thinking that I want to study something that I have never, EVER wanted to study before in my entire bloody life, and I wouldn't even be in this country bemoaning my fate of earning $4500 a month right now! I mean, wow, seriously Yelen, it must really suck to be paid $4500 every month.
I don't even think it's a matter of the grass being greener on the other side. I do at some level appreciate the legal education in the sense that it's helped to sharpen my thinking and, you know, my ability to use logic and separate the mind from the heart. I will readily admit that I haven't completely hated every single moment of my time in law school thus far. But what I do have a problem with is that somehow, no matter who you are or what you want to do, law school = being a lawyer is a forgone conclusion. Meaning people expect that I shouldn't even have to think about it. And that's one major issue that's preventing me from fully enjoying law school: It's seen as a stepping stone to a career and it's hardly enjoyed purely for what it is. Because if I'm being honest, underneath the exams and second upper/lower and top 4 law firms bullshit lies a very intellectually rigorous education, one that I could perhaps enjoy more if it weren't seen as a means to an end. How many people honestly enter law school because they want to be intellectually challenged? How many people go through four years of law school without completing pupillage and PLC and passing the bar?
But how many people can honestly say that they know what they want at 19? This is kind of why I'd rather law be a graduate degree and not an undergraduate degree, like the US system. Sure, you waste three, four years out of effectively seven, eight years (including college) getting a degree that people in Singapore and the UK spend three/four years getting, but at least when you enter law school, you'll know that it's because you want to be a lawyer. At 19 you enter law school because, oh my god, you aced the A Levels!11!11one! and therefore you MUST enter law school@!!!1one!!!1 because otherwise you'll be wasting your grades in the Arts Faculty!1!!one!11ne.
Gimme a fucking break. I wonder how many of us actually realised that we'd be making a career choice at 19. Of course, bystanders would say, You don't have to go through with it; but only bystanders can say that because they can't begin to imagine the sheer insanity of not doing pupillage/taking the bar/etc after you've gone through four years of law school. Even I think that it's insane, and I am the same person going off about education for its own sake just a few paragraphs ago.
Truth of the matter? It's unlikely that I can escape this reality, or put in a nicer way, find a solution. I really cannot help but not want to go through with it anymore, and yet, I know that I will. But I'm not sure what my motivation is anymore, and what the deeply-rooted thing that would keep me in the profession is going to be. I love writing and language and nothing can ever replace that. In that light, being a lawyer doesn't compute. At all. (Legal writing = not the same as non-legal writing.)
Okay, it's 9 minutes to the start of Idol so I'm just going to stop talking about this.
Before I post this, I would like to announce that I painted my nails for the first time in months and guess what I did?
I painted it black, of course. (Whoever gets the music reference automatically scores points with me! And no, it's not Cookie related. Unless he does a song by the band someday.)
Will be back in an hour and ten minutes' time to nosebleed all over my blog after Cookie slays me with his rendition of Music of the Night. <3
Love Cookie. LOVE.
before sunrise // before sunset
Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010