Dreams.
written: 8:17 p.m. on Monday, Feb. 02, 2009

Yeah, it was quite a nightmare. Waking up to a world in which Roger Federer lost the Australian Open to Rafael Nadal (of all people) was not a good feeling. And things got even worse when, after class, Mag and I walked behind the canteen to the row of tables next to the co-op and I saw people that I really, really, really did not need, let alone want, to see.

So that, combined with Roger's loss, completely ruined my day...or so I thought. Let it be known, though, that while waiting by myself for my mom in the canteen, I was all mopey and sad and came close to tears a few times.

But I came home, my mom opened the mailbox, and handed me a postcard from Kenneth. It was really funny and kind of made my day, and since then I haven't moped about pretty much anything at all. So - yay!

Well, not really. I still refuse to Google 'Roger Federer' and I was quite affronted when I saw a collection of news articles about the match on his website. I'm going to delete the match from my DVR when I'm bothered to do so. A shame, really. He played some truly astounding and jaw-dropping shots in that match (my favourite? That return of serve winner he ripped down the line in the first set to break Nadal's serve, leaping around the backhand and instantly finding the position to rip that forehand. Astounding).

But I can't watch it ever again. It's way too painful.

I know that every match has a loser, that it's impossible for both sides to win. I know that rationally. I also know that he can't win everything, and he never did win everything even in his dominating years; he merely won almost everything. But I wanted this for him so badly, and he wanted it even more badly for himself. I can't help but feel sad.

The bright side is, and because he's Roger and he's just like that, he's already talking about meeting Nadal again on hard courts and possibly beating him. I guess the flip side is that it's not clear whether he's acknowledged he has a problem when it comes to this guy, but I think I'd take this over something like, "I wish I never have to face Nadal on a tennis court ever again."

So yeah, all's not lost. I still wish he'd equal the record at Wimbledon and break it in New York; it'd make me SO happy. And I'm sure there are more Slam wins for him ahead...just, unfortunately, not in Melbourne, not this year.

***

In other news, I had lunch with Mel and Pei at Original Sin yesterday. It was fucking expensive. More importantly, it was AMAZING. It was certainly novel to look at a menu and not mentally rule out the things that I can eat (although I didn't look at the salads 'cause I don't like salads and things that contained eggplant immediately got the thumbs down from me) and have the power and liberty and FREEDOM to order whatever I want and not ask the waiter suspiciously, "Is there meat in this?"

Original Sin is my new favourite restaurant. I ordered the lagsana - first time ever I can order a lagsana and not desperately read the description to see if it's one of the usual beef-infested ones, just to have my hopes dashed when I find out, yes, it is. And my lagsana was absolutely brilliant. It had some capsicum in it I think, which I normally don't eat, but it was so well-done that I didn't care!

I think I ought to eat more vegetables, to be honest. My dietary options are seriously limited considering I don't eat meat and I don't like vegetables so I tend to avoid salads and things that contain suspicious-sounding words like capsicum, eggplant, and god knows what else. Besides, if I really want to turn fully vegetarian one day, I better start getting used to the disgusting taste of vegetables; otherwise, I'd seriously have nothing to eat!

Anyway, enough about food. Oh wait, the tiramisu Mel and Pei ordered was AMAZING AMAZING AMAZINGGGG.

Okay, enough about food for real. It was really nice meeting up with them, especially Pei whom I hadn't seen in, like, forever. She's still the same perky girl except she's starting to say things like 'lor' and 'leh'. Actually, she was already starting to say it when I saw her last August or something like that, but it still amuses me to no end, considering she never - or hardly ever - spoke Singlish in JC!

I love my friends.

***

And speaking of I love my friends, I'm thankful to those who know me well enough to text me and console me when Roger lost yesterday. I do feel like a big baby for being so emotionally invested in one man - but that's the way it is. This is the way I am. Like I said before, I won't bother watching a sport at all if I can't get emotionally involved in the outcome. And it's also more than just Roger's tennis that I'm following; I'm following his story. I'm invested in his story. I wish I could write him a happy ending, but he himself controls his own fate. He's the only person who can achieve for himself everything he wants to achieve before he retires. All I can do is follow his matches and cheer him on, even if all I'm doing is yelling at my TV and posting in the match threads on his forum.

And if grown women can sob their lungs out at his loss in front of their children, I don't see why I can't feel utterly devastated, as if the world just ended, in the wake of the same outcome. He's just an immensely and innately likeable person and I think many people in Rod Laver Arena wanted him to win last night. I know Rod Laver was hoping he could present the trophy to Roger again as Roger has been very vocal about his respect for the man that won a calendar Grand Slam (winning all four Slams in one year) twice, and cried in 2006 when Laver presented him with the trophy.

I'm sorry he had to cry again last night and for a painfully different reason. I suddenly remember the carefree, free-spirited and dorky Roger I saw in KL last November and I just don't care about the records anymore. I don't care about his ATP ranking. I don't care if he never wins another Grand Slam again. All I want for him is to be happy and to enjoy playing his game and not care about the #1 spot, beating the Sampras Record, chasing history. The only time I'd be happy to see him cry is when he's crying tears of happiness; anything else is just too, too damn heartbreaking, especially because there's absolutely nothing I can do to make him feel better.

Uh, I saw a picture of him smiling while practising before the match on his site and it just further twisted the knife that still remains in my heart, hence the emotional blubbering. ARGH! I hate it when some random tennis player gets to me like this...but that's the point, isn't it? He's not just a random tennis player. He's not even just a tennis player. To me, he's an actual human being, someone I could actually know under different circumstances. And him crying yesterday despite his best efforts to hold it back made him even more human to me.

I love him soooo much. I'd be happy as long as he keeps smiling and keeps moving forward, playing his beautiful tennis, and letting nothing get him down.

***

Anyway, as I was saying before I got sidetracked, thanks to those that texted me and asked if I was okay. Clearly I wasn't, and I'm still not completely okay, but well, life goes on. I'm kind of already looking forward to the Dubai tournament in three weeks' time haha despite feeling like I couldn't watch another minute of tennis last night. That's the power of Roger and his amazing tennis, I suppose. You just can't quit him - ever.

Also, I totally love my layout! To be more precise, I LOVE THE PICTURE. It's from his match against Tomas Berdych. Him playing in and out of the shade and into the sun for the first two sets actually produced super gorgeous pictures, like the current one for the layout.

***

I met with Prof R@mr@j about my Emergencies paper last Friday and he spent the first 15 minutes talking to me about what I want to do with my life. He asked me what modules I'm taking and after I listed them out, he suggested three things:

1. Graduate studies;
2. As a result of 1, academic; and/or
3. Work in some international organisation like the UN or some NGO.

Like, yeah, I totally get it. After the Sylvia Chang play, while talking to my mom in the car, she said that it was important to know what your dream, your ambition, your lixiang is. In the play, Li Xiang set the stage by asking, "Why do we go to work?"

I don't think it's an unimportant question. In fact, it's absolutely crucial. What if my ambition is loftier and potentially more grandiose than merely making money, merely making partner in a law firm, merely climbing the corporate ladder? What if the thing that makes my heart beat a little bit faster has nothing to do with the corporate world?

Sometimes I think this world has no place for people like me. But then, I look at some of the foreign students in my classes who have done the things that I want, or wish, to do, and I do realise that sometimes, it boils down to how much you want something and what you're willing to do to get it. The problem with me isn't a lack of opportunities or contacts and it sure as hell isn't a lack of talent. The problem with me, simply put, is that, as of right now, I'm still not driven enough - precisely because I'm still not completely sure that what I roughly think I want is what I really want. Writing is still on the table even though I haven't done any in nearly half a year, but it's still on the table. And the constant tension between this and that is confusing me.

But maybe there needn't be a tension. Why must my interests be mutually exclusive? Why must I give up one to do the other? Of course, it's all well and good in theory; but when it comes to the actual doing, it just gets that little bit more difficult.

In any case, just in case I take up Option 3 (or actually, all of the options. They are kind of logical progressions actually. Well, except maybe 2. I don't know), I've decided to finally get off my arse and do something about the paper. It's not every day that I run into writing a paper that a professor thinks is worthy of publication, and haven't I been whining about wanting to be published since forever? Sure, I never once meant an academic piece, but seeing as how I'm stuck here in my own stupid inertia, I think I'll just take what I can get for the time being.

On another note, Prof asked me to go talk to the law professor from National Taiwan University about the paper. I finally mustered up the guts to email him. I haven't mustered up the guts to check my email for a reply. I'd be quite thrilled to talk to the NTU prof, precisely because he's from NTU. I always wondered if I'd be able to make it to NTU, Taiwan's best, absolute best, university, if I'd stayed in Taipei and hadn't came back to Singapore. My eldest Taiwanese cousin graduated from NTU - that's about it from my family. Even my dad didn't go to NTU.

Well, in any case, if the NTU prof agrees to talk to me, it should be very interesting.

***

Crap, I missed Desperate Housewives last week. I keep forgetting it's actually on.

I caught up with Grey's Anatomy until the latest episode which I haven't watched and it's so vapid and stupid that I can't stand it. I'm dying for my precious Chuck to come back! (Chuck Bartowski, not Chuck Bass.)

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010