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Shot through the heart.
My mom has also always said that I'm selfish and self-centred. And it's true: It takes effort on my part to think of someone else. I can only make the effort to think of someone else when I'm in a good mood. When I'm not, when I'm upset, it's all about me. Plus the fact that I'm impatient, always in a rush, I want things done as fast as possible and I want things done now, it means I'm quite unfamiliar with the concept of "giving him space". Maybe I can hold out for an hour before I freak out. Maybe the one hour is better than none at all; but that's a weak excuse.
And the best part is, I can't change. This is just the shit person that I am. I'm always going to be like this. I could make it easier for us both and promise, gratuitously for sure, that I'd try to change; but the truth is, I can't.
The truth is, too, I think you deserve better.
Been feeling really upset since the second I woke up. I couldn't make myself get out of the house to buy lunch so I ordered McDonalds'. Yucks.
Watching Djokovic thrash Nadal, knowing already about the thrashing, wasn't even nearly as good as watching it live.
I have to do laundry, buy dinner, study (I still don't care. This is quite bad), and there's the Paris final on TV tonight, and there's also him coming over.
I wanted to talk yesterday and I was ready to talk but something I wrote on my blog pissed him off so he was in no mood to talk. Today, though, I don't feel like talking.
But I can't do this anymore. I'm dying, and my parents aren't home, and I'm dying.
And, yes - still sick.
The first time I laughed today was when I was moaning about how sad I was to my Evony alliance members. I said, "Having epic fight with boyfriend. I am sad and depressed."
Mr. Host replied, out of nowhere: "What what. Fight with boyfriend? Hi, how are you."
I found that funny. I laughed. Then the Australian guy sent me an invite to play some CafeWorld game on Facebook and that cheered me up for a good half an hour.
Now I'm trying to study. Which is inherently depressing.
BUT Ruishan sent me a super cute SMS which cheered me up a bit.
Sigh I don't feel like taking the exams or getting called to the bar or doing anything related to the legal profession at all. It's such a drag. Whenever I say this, though, my dad goes, "What else are you going to do?"
Thing is, I have a law degree. I can do whatever the hell I please. It's really only a matter of interest and salary.
But I can still do whatever the hell I please. I have options. It's really only a matter of whether I choose to exercise those options.
I'm like Mag now. Short-term goals. Finish pupillage first and see how.
Oh wait, I guess to get to that stage I'm gonna have to pass my exams, right?
In all honesty, I'm worried about one paper: Commercial Practice. Have no idea what the fuck's going on, and the stake through the heart is that I really, REALLY don't give a shit. Everything else is pretty manageable (this is taking into consideration the fact that I'm reading a lot of things for the first time right now), even stupid Wills & Probate where I have to like, bring like, a calculator? I mean, what the hell is that?
Let's not even talk about conveyancing though.
Oh, I was gonna say this: Went for J@miy@h last Wednesday. I took an MC and wanted not to go, but the Board said I'd have to make up 2 hours on Saturday in lieu of the 1 hour which made no sense so I decided to go. Drove through the haze of the drowsiness which the cough medicine induced in me, sat through the 55-minute session...of nothing. I reached 15 minutes late and when I reached the first applicant was almost done. After that the next applicant was a no-show, so we sat there talking to the lawyer for 45 minutes.
Well, he talked to the others and I just smiled and nodded and answered one question. I just couldn't do anything at all.
Anyway, what I wanted to say was that the lawyer said the profession gets better after a few years. That it's painful in the first few years. And that some in the law school would rather take in B students that want to practise.
I honestly think that the only people who stay on to practise are those that really enjoy what they're doing. Oh wait, wait - there are two groups of people: those that really enjoy it, and those that don't give a shit and really enjoy the money. But I tend to forget the latter group exists as it's better for my sanity, so let's discount them.
I really think that the only people who stay on are those that really enjoy it. Because I don't see what else would get you through the painful first few years otherwise.
Yup, that's all I have to say.