Shot through the heart.
written: 4:49 p.m. on Sunday, Nov. 15, 2009

My mom has also always said that I'm selfish and self-centred. And it's true: It takes effort on my part to think of someone else. I can only make the effort to think of someone else when I'm in a good mood. When I'm not, when I'm upset, it's all about me. Plus the fact that I'm impatient, always in a rush, I want things done as fast as possible and I want things done now, it means I'm quite unfamiliar with the concept of "giving him space". Maybe I can hold out for an hour before I freak out. Maybe the one hour is better than none at all; but that's a weak excuse.

And the best part is, I can't change. This is just the shit person that I am. I'm always going to be like this. I could make it easier for us both and promise, gratuitously for sure, that I'd try to change; but the truth is, I can't.

The truth is, too, I think you deserve better.

*

Been feeling really upset since the second I woke up. I couldn't make myself get out of the house to buy lunch so I ordered McDonalds'. Yucks.

Watching Djokovic thrash Nadal, knowing already about the thrashing, wasn't even nearly as good as watching it live.

I have to do laundry, buy dinner, study (I still don't care. This is quite bad), and there's the Paris final on TV tonight, and there's also him coming over.

I wanted to talk yesterday and I was ready to talk but something I wrote on my blog pissed him off so he was in no mood to talk. Today, though, I don't feel like talking.

But I can't do this anymore. I'm dying, and my parents aren't home, and I'm dying.

And, yes - still sick.

*

The first time I laughed today was when I was moaning about how sad I was to my Evony alliance members. I said, "Having epic fight with boyfriend. I am sad and depressed."

Mr. Host replied, out of nowhere: "What what. Fight with boyfriend? Hi, how are you."

I found that funny. I laughed. Then the Australian guy sent me an invite to play some CafeWorld game on Facebook and that cheered me up for a good half an hour.

Now I'm trying to study. Which is inherently depressing.

BUT Ruishan sent me a super cute SMS which cheered me up a bit.

*

Sigh I don't feel like taking the exams or getting called to the bar or doing anything related to the legal profession at all. It's such a drag. Whenever I say this, though, my dad goes, "What else are you going to do?"

Thing is, I have a law degree. I can do whatever the hell I please. It's really only a matter of interest and salary.

But I can still do whatever the hell I please. I have options. It's really only a matter of whether I choose to exercise those options.

I'm like Mag now. Short-term goals. Finish pupillage first and see how.

Oh wait, I guess to get to that stage I'm gonna have to pass my exams, right?

Ugh.

In all honesty, I'm worried about one paper: Commercial Practice. Have no idea what the fuck's going on, and the stake through the heart is that I really, REALLY don't give a shit. Everything else is pretty manageable (this is taking into consideration the fact that I'm reading a lot of things for the first time right now), even stupid Wills & Probate where I have to like, bring like, a calculator? I mean, what the hell is that?

Let's not even talk about conveyancing though.

Oh, I was gonna say this: Went for J@miy@h last Wednesday. I took an MC and wanted not to go, but the Board said I'd have to make up 2 hours on Saturday in lieu of the 1 hour which made no sense so I decided to go. Drove through the haze of the drowsiness which the cough medicine induced in me, sat through the 55-minute session...of nothing. I reached 15 minutes late and when I reached the first applicant was almost done. After that the next applicant was a no-show, so we sat there talking to the lawyer for 45 minutes.

Well, he talked to the others and I just smiled and nodded and answered one question. I just couldn't do anything at all.

Anyway, what I wanted to say was that the lawyer said the profession gets better after a few years. That it's painful in the first few years. And that some in the law school would rather take in B students that want to practise.

I honestly think that the only people who stay on to practise are those that really enjoy what they're doing. Oh wait, wait - there are two groups of people: those that really enjoy it, and those that don't give a shit and really enjoy the money. But I tend to forget the latter group exists as it's better for my sanity, so let's discount them.

I really think that the only people who stay on are those that really enjoy it. Because I don't see what else would get you through the painful first few years otherwise.

Yup, that's all I have to say.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010