the cat is out of the bag
written: 9:04 p.m. on Thursday, May. 09, 2002

The honeymoon period came to a standstill last night, i.e. my mom knows about Gen. Here�s what happened: I was on the phone with him at around 8.30 or so, and all of a sudden my dad picked up the extension. I quickly fibbed that it was someone from school with a very deep voice, and of course, Daddy Dearest was all, �Your daughter is on the phone with a boy.� Like, oh my god, the sky has fallen because I was on the phone with a boy and all.

I�m not in a good mood as I type this, obviously, but let�s move on with my very dramatic story that never fails to totally brighten up my life. Mom came in and started laying this total guilt on me. She was on about how 1) she won�t get mad if I am seeing someone, 2) she won�t forbid me to see him and 3) interested in my life she is.

At that time I didn�t confess. But when she left the room I started to believe in what she said. I was tired of all the lies and the sneaking around, and I actually thought telling her would make it easier for me, and that I could perhaps get advice on sex. So when my Jay Chou CD ended, I went to the annoying fly�s room (i.e. my brother�s room) and I opened my big trap. Now I feel like the biggest moron to ever grace the Earth for doing what I did. Not only did she totally not understand, she doesn�t want me to see him anymore.

I have been agonising over this the whole day, and I couldn�t properly fall asleep last night because of this. Does she not have any idea how much he means to me? Does she not know how happy he makes me, and how I feel like nothing could ever be wrong again when I�m with him? He is the only thing good in my life right now, and she�s trying to take that away from me. Why? Primarily because of the fucking O Levels.

Her other fear is that we�d end up having sex. Fair enough, I understand that. What I really resent however is how she talks about this relationship. She makes all these assumptions about him, and she is so xenophobic towards the fact that he�s from Nepal. So fucking what if he�s from Nepal? Does that make him any less of a person? And if she�s so worried about him taking advantage of me, why is it that she doesn�t want to meet him? In the car today she asked me why I want her to meet him. Like the answer isn�t obvious enough! She should listen to herself talk! If she�s so worried, shouldn�t she be the one asking me to let her meet him so that she can put her mind at ease about me going out with him?

Oh wait, I forgot, I�m �not supposed� to see him anymore. That could be why she can�t be the least fucking bothered to get to know him. And she�s so cynical towards men. I don�t know what kind of ordeals she went through before she became the mom that she is now because she refuses to tell me anything, but she seems to have this fixed idea that all men are out to get me. She doesn�t know why I should believe what Gen tells me. What the fuck? Can�t we just base it on faith? Why do I have to be so distrusting of every person I encounter?

I knew this was going to happen. Didn�t I mention that whatever I care for in my life never fails to turn to shit? Look what�s happened now. What am I going to do? If I do end up betraying her trust again, it would be her fault for being so uptight in the first place. My grades are not affected, and I can�t concentrate in class because 1) the lesson is so boring and/or 2) I am so freaking tired, I can�t even lift myself up. Not because of Gen. Come on. I am not that type.

I cried in class today, openly, because of this. Instead of keeping it to myself, I talked about it, and my friends genuinely tried to help me, and I�m grateful, so thank you.

I had a dream in which I lost my virginity. Gen and I are �together�, so to speak, and I was walking towards his apartment when I saw him coming towards me. I asked him how he knew I was there, and he said he had an intuition that I was in the area, and that he could somehow feel my presence. I think now that is very sweet. But I digress.

I cannot remember the details, just fragments of images. But we held hands in public and we were happy together, without the complications of �to bed or not to bed?� and the like. When I kissed him I tasted cigarette on his lips, and shockingly, I found it sexy.

And then we were at some sort of a hotel or a resort with my family. Mom knew about us, and naturally she did not want us to be together. So we jumped down a long tunnel that spiralled downwards, and as we slid further and further down, the air got more and more stuffy. We fell into a tiny room at the very basement of the place, and it was so claustrophobic that I almost could not breathe. Somehow, I fell asleep, and when I woke up, Gen was there with The Actress. Someone said I lost my virginity. I didn�t know what happened, all I knew was that I was asleep, perhaps drunk. I voiced out my concerns, and The Actress held up an empty alcoholic drink bottle, and announced, �Yeah, you had sex.�

So apparently, I had sex while I was drunk and did not remember a thing. I did not dream about the actual process, just the aftermath. And that is it. I cannot remember anything else.

I am very tired today.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010