the sun is setting, all over again
written: 1:47 a.m. on Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2003

Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

Is it just me, or does 'easily hurt but takes long to recover' makes absolutely no sense? I would replace 'but' with 'and' if I were the one that wrote the above.

Click here for other months. Got the link from Ruz, whose diary is locked.

I don't usually believe in horoscopes, but it appears that I'm becoming desperate. I usually check out the horoscopes in Lifestyle (Sunday edition of the fun part of The Straits Times, Singapore's most credible English daily) and promptly forget them, but I still remember what this week's horoscope says. Of course, I can't remember it word for word; if that were the case, I wouldn't be typing this and Singaporeans would probably see my entry in the obituary page of the Straits Times in a few days' time, and the cause of death would be suicide due to extreme and incurable insanity brought forth by severe anti-social tendencies.

Seriously now, it said something along the lines of, "You want to socialise but you're doubtful if it would succeed. The stars are shining the light on you (or whatever) so don't give up, you'll find happiness soon."

Okay, that was pretty far from the original but the idea is somewhat there anyway. And... I was going to say 'strangely' but then I remember that it's not very strange. Sunday's horoscopes, more often than not, reflect my mindset at that particular time, my thoughts at that particular moment, week, etc. And it just so happened (maybe) that I have been thinking really hard about my non-existing social life recently.

I wasn't kidding when I said that I need a social life. I really do. I can count on one hand the number of friends, not acquaintances, I have in JJC. I can count on both hands the number of friends I have in my whole life, and I would still be left with a few fingers.

I just find it really difficult to relate to people or to get along with them in a way that goes deeper than just being acquainted with them. I know a lot of 'hi-bye' so-called friends, and those are of absolutely no use to me. I can't last if matched with them one-on-one; I would be the one with the inferior basketball skills, and they would feint left, right, centre, back, and I would fall for their fakes like a fool, and they would sink a beautiful basket, right over my head. (Sorry 'bout the awful basketball analogy but I couldn't help it.)

In simpler terms, they would be talking, and I would be responding, and then the conversation would stop because I wouldn't know what to say.

What do you say to people whom you don't even feel connected to, even on a superficial level? How do you get past that? I really don't get it.

Especially girls. Oh my god. Girls annoy me. Girls are alien creatures to me. Girls are weird. They are into things that so redundant and silly and just DUMB. Not that guys are any better; most of the time they're talking to you simply because they find you attractive, and when it's revealed that you only look good, they just slinker away. Or worse, they continue to stick to you even when you don't want them around.

It's damn annoying, this whole social situation thing. I wish I didn't have to do it. I never wanted to do it, and it never bothered me, but lately, for some reason, I'm beginning to feel kind of sorry for myself. And I mulled over it the entire bus trip home from school yesterday afternoon, and needless to say, I ended up feeling pretty lousy.

Which brings me back to the horoscope that I don't really believe in. Pathetically enough, it glimmers a little in my gloom-doom world of anti-socialness and perpetual alienation. And I can only hope that it's right.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010