i hate this box.
written: 7:31 p.m. on Friday, Aug. 20, 2004

Why do stupid people think they're smart?

Why do people with mediocre-at-best English think it their right laugh at the Science students' command of the language when they themselves are making the same glaring grammatical errors as well?

I don't understand. And I don't understand either why she, the girl I bitched at length about, the girl who is representative of the "people" I described above, isn't getting the hint.

Honey, when I don't talk to you, don't talk to me. When I ignore you when you try to say something to me, it shows, plainly, that I'm not interested. If my responses don't go any further than a polite smile and a grunt, it's clear enough that something has changed.

I mean, I know you're a bimbo, but to such a degree? You got the same O Level score as me for crying out loud! I'm sick of pretending so please, for the sake of my sanity, GET A BLOODY CLUE. I've never been fond of the backstabbing business and now I'm partaking in it. All thanks to you.

Jeez.

Honestly, JJC has changed me. When I was in the elite system, I subscribed to the notion that neighbourhood school kids are the same as the elite school kids. I was defensive of my stand and I truly believed in it.

It seems shocking now, even to myself, for that person no longer exists. That person, in fact, is dead, buried six feet under, her body already decomposed and feeding nutrients to the soil. Now I truly understand why the elite schools are so sought-after, so prestigious and why, simply, they exist.

I hate to make generalisations... wait, I'm sorry, I take that back. I don't. At all. But from what I have observed in my school, save for a few intelligent ones (Mel being one of them, and brilliantly intelligent too), people from neighbourhood schools can neither speak English nor Chinese without sounding uncouth and uneducated. I don't care how good they might be in their sciences, for that is essentially irrelevant, and I don't dictate this. The fact is, the minute one opens his mouth, he is liable to judgement, fair or unfair, by others. How else is an impression to be formed if not by means of the way through which a person communicates his thoughts to others?

The problem with many people in my school is that they can't. The shit that comes out of their mouths is precisely that: Shit. I love Singlish and all but if it's the only pseudo-language you can speak, you're in serious trouble. Singlish does not convey intelligence. Singlish, in fact, denotes and connotes a disturbing degree of -- simply put -- stupidity that should not be the result of 12 goddamn years of education.

And the "I'm from a Chinese-speaking environment" excuse is not an excuse, let alone a reason. It probably explains the bad English, although I would certainly beg to differ as my own home cannot get any more Chinese than the average Chinese Singaporean household; the point is, you claim to be from a Chinese-speaking environment, but oh my god, does your Chinese suck as well or what! The way the random Science stream guy in my school speaks in Chinese will make any Taiwanese/PRC/Chinese linguist weep. It is a total butchery of the language. I really, really do not understand how the standard of Chinese in this country can be so appalling that there is absolutely no beauty in it when the average Chinese speaks it. It's disgusting. It's a travesty. It's, indirectly, the repercussion of the Ministry's myopic move to make the mother tongue the second language for all students instead of placing equal importance on it as they do on English.

There is always a trade-off. Contrary to what sociologists or whomever may assert, when bilingualism is forced upon a child in a (usually pseudo) English environment, his mother tongue is at the losing end. And if he can't master one language, he will eventually suck at both.

I don't profess to be good at Chinese because everyone knows I suck at it. Everyone also knows that I feel a deep sense of loss due to that fact. But I think I am rather qualified to make such judgements because my dad is Taiwanese. Not only that, he is a university graduate. At his time, that feat was only accomplished by, say, one in a thousand people?

He has high standards and he is cultured. He also heavily criticises my command of Chinese. I may not speak it well, but I know bad Chinese when I hear it. And I hate to say this but most of the people in my school speak horrible Chinese. I mean, they don't even seem to know that when you say two words that are di san sheng you're supposed to say the second word in di er sheng. I mean, "yu(3) san(3)" (umbrella) is not pronounced thus; it's pronounced "yu(2) san(3)". This is fundamental and absolutely non-negotiable. It sounds so crude and crass when people go yu(3) san(3)! Why don't they realise it?

And people also can't pronounce "th" words. For the last time, "that" is not pronounced as "dat" so stop "spelling" it that way online. And Singaporeans have this weird thing with the word "opportunity". It's "op-PER-tunity" and not "op-POR-tunity", as all Econs teachers seem to believe. Or at least, the ones in my school anyway.

I believe that the failure or success of a country's education system is reflected in its people's command of languages. And sadly, I think ours is, for the most part, a failure.

Okay, so I digress. I initially started out to talk about my new-found snob complex but I think everyone already knows that I'm a mean, nasty and arrogant bitch, so why waste time writing even more about it?

Instead, I would very much like to bitch about an intriguing turn of events which has transpired just today. I'm supposed to have a Maths mock exam tomorrow at 8 a.m. This was announced last month. And this morning Tubby (Paper 4 Lit teacher) told us that we're having the Literature session whereby the teachers talk to us about essays and shit tomorrow morning at 8.15 a.m.

In addition, the Bulldog has decided to make herself useful again and thus she's springing two Prac Crit marathons next week, one on Monday and the other on Wednesday. It's fine and all, as I really wanna give myself the option of doing the comparison question, but it just so happens that we have an Econs test on Wednesday, and it's for all Econs students of the school. In addition, it was announced last week whilst the Bulldog only told us today.

So I told her that we have an Econs test. And what did she say? "You guys will just have to change it. It's my last day."

Oh, and that is my fault? Why don't you talk to the Econs teachers and save me the fucking trouble?

Well, I saw my Econs teacher in the canteen so I told her about it. She said that it cannot be changed because it's an across-the-level thing and it was set like, a week or so ago.

So what the hell now? First I have to miss that crucial Lit thingy which was supposed to be held in the first goddamn week of July, but it was cancelled because of the fucking Bulldog, and so now it's held tomorrow, nevermind that the people in my class have a Maths mock exam and hence are going to miss it. And now she's all unreasonable and shit and thinking that things will go her way just because she wills them to.

What the fuck? I don't understand why I have to pay for the incompetence of my school, in particular the stupid Bulldog. And we wonder why the school is always stuck in the bottom 5.

To be perfectly honest I'm not really in a writing mood right now, which is probably why this entry seems to lack the usual punch of the previous ones, especially when I go off on a rant. I'm really tired today. Had an extra History session at 2.30. I was completely nodding off. And after that I could've sworn that I had lost all feeling in my limbs for good. They felt flaccid and lifeless.

I love Judith Wright's "Woman to Man" and Sylvia Plath's "Morning Song". It's such poetry that reminds me of why I love Lit the way I do.

And I really wish that people who plain suck at it can get off the bandwagon and stop being such blood-sucking wannabes because it's getting old.

Okay, so I'm still referring to that girl whom I bitched about, but yeah.

I'm going to fuck up tomorrow's mock. Who's surprised?

Anyone knows a surefire way to instill self-discipline? After two months of ego-boosting talks and whatnot I still have absolutely none, and I really need it.

I'm not gonna be a failure anymore. And teachers seem to think that I'm capable of getting what I want.

I don't know. Self-doubt has been pervasive the past few days, such that I almost cried in front of him and hence I'm embarrassed. I need to believe that I can do it, or my fate is really sealed, even before the battle has officially begun. I need my cocky self-assurance back.

But still, the odds seem to be against me. I'm quite confident of As in History and Lit, and Econs too, if all goes well, but Maths. Whenever I remember the fact that I got double Bs in the O Levels I start to think that to dream is simply that: to dream. Keep dreaming, and maybe it will come true. Yeah, when I die perhaps. I understand Econs so much better than I understand Maths. My notes appear to be written in English, but trust me when I say that they're really random alphabets masquerading as English.

How can people say that it's the easiest subject to ace? It seems so elusive right now, the Holy Grail so close to heaven that I would have to die in order to merely brush my skin against its surface. He even said that people of average intelligence can get an A in the subject. How is that possible? I really don't get it.

Sigh. I hate this. I really do. How I wish, sometimes, that I were treating the A Levels like I treated the O Levels. Kill all expectations, purge all ambitions, so that when the bad results finally come, I wouldn't be disappointed and crushed, because I will still have the excuse of not having studied jack shit upon which to fall back.

I'm just afraid that if I tried really hard and still don't the straight As... well, it's just gonna be a clear testament to 1) my inflation of my own abilities; 2) my teachers' gross miscalculation; and 3) my stupidity.

I don't believe in the "it's the effort that counts" school of thought. In my humble opinion, you're either smart or you're not. (I told you I was a very binomial distribution kinda gal.) If you work your ass off and it pays off, fantastic. If you don't, it simply means that your intelligence is average at best. Don't blame your failure on the question/the exam hall/your health/the air-con/the teachers/whatever; blame yourself. I blame myself for being stuck in JJC, but I don't believe that I could not have done better, and as a result I'm placing all these pressure on myself to achieve something greater than my entire bloody life. It's just an exam and nobody would care ten years down the road, but I do. My parents do. I want my dad to brag about me, my mom to glow with silent pride. I want to show my relatives and ex-schoolmates and teachers that the O Levels were a fluke and nothing else, that it was nowhere near my true abilities. I want to show everyone in the school that I have not truly emerged, and when I do, everyone is going to eat my dust.

But in all honesty, I wonder if I'm justified in wanting all of that. If I even have a real basis upon which I can formulate those wants.

What if I'm an overrated fraud and nothing else? What if they're all wrong about me? What if I'm wrong about myself?

And I have seen how effort does NOT pay off. The Chinese O Level exam is still fresh in my mind and I have not forgotten the crushing devastation I felt when I found out that I only got an A2 in the subject when I studied (like hell too) for an A1. Plainly put, it sucked major nuts. Who's to say that wouldn't repeat itself this year?

I hate this. I fucking hate this. I wish I could look into the future and see the grades that I would get, just so I could put myself out of this stupid self-imposed misery. If I didn't kena JJC I would've been contented with taking 3 subjects instead of 4.

Fuck. I do think I'm a real retard. But whatever. If this entry goes on any further I'm never going to get started on my stuff and I still have to take a dumb exam tomorrow morning.

This entry has been awfully incoherent. Too bloody bad.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010