yelen the imbecile.
written: 5:37 p.m. on Thursday, Sept. 30, 2004
Fucking pissed off at myself.
Fucking hate myself right now.
I am the biggest fraud to ever breathe a molecule (if I remembered what is smaller than a molecule, I would use that word; is it an atom? whatever) of precious oxygen in the world.
I don't really know why I'm saying all these as I'm sure that another person in my position would feel pretty okay, but no, I think I suck. I am stupid and I am going to bomb the A Levels till thy kingdom come (shouldn't it be 'comes' though, since it's singular? whatever).
Who the hell is stupid enough to fail Econs MCQ?
Me.
Who the hell is stupid enough to miss a mark to an A for History?
Me.
Who the hell is stupid enough to get a mere 32/50 for one's Othello essay when somebody else got a 37?
Me.
And yes, I do concur that the repetition of 'who the hell is stupid enough to...? Me' is completely spilling over into 'overkill' territory, which only goes to prove that I cannot write at all. Hence, I still find it preposterous that I apparently got a 41/50 for GP for both papers, even though I didn't have GP today and hence I haven't even caught a fleeting glimpse of my paper, let alone looked at it. (Even more hilarious that other people know my marks but not me.)
Okay, I'm supposed to be glad, but I still insist that my essay was crap. Yes, the points were good, but who cares about how good the content is when it is incoherently and atrociously expressed? And to be honest, I expected a few more marks more for paper 2, considering how easy I found it.
Blah fucking blah. When will I ever live up to my own expectations? Or rather, when am I going to accept the fact that I am never going to do as well as I think I'm going to do?
I'm so pissed that I bombed the MCQ so brilliantly, because if I hadn't... or more specifically, if I had got Mr. Girl's marks instead (21/30), my chances of getting an A for Econs would be much higher. Why? Because, for the first time in my life, I got an A for Paper 3.
An A for Paper 3. Contrary to what I inferred from my dream, I got an A for Paper 3.
What a big fat waste. What's the use of getting 20/25 for Question Six when it's not reflected in the final grade?
ARGH FUCKING HELL I'M SO PISSED OFF. TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE I'M LIGHT-HEADED FROM DRINKING CAFEEINE ON A RATHER EMPTY STOMACH SO MY NON-PROSE DOES NOT PACK THE PUNCH IT SHOULD AND I'M ANNOYED BY THE NON-EXISTENT QUALITY OF THIS NON-ENTRY AND THE NON-EXQUISITE NATURE OF MY NON-ELOQUENT EXPRESSION OF MY NON-INTELLIGENT THOUGHTS AND AND AND I'LL JUST ROUND THIS OFF WITH A 'FUCK', SO FUCK.
It's funny that I should accuse the Taiwanese Foreign Minister or whomever of being uncivilised for using a Hokkien expletive (I think it was 'lan pah' or whatever along those lines; supposedly refers to the penis) to accuse Singapore of kissing China's ass at a United Nations meeting, since I'm using an English expletive over and over to describe my thoughts, which isn't exactly the best way to reflect upon one's supposed quality education, but then again, FUCK IT, my head hurts too much and I feel like being non-eloquent and banal and uncouth so whatever.
But that comment from the Taiwanese guy about how Singapore is no bigger than a piece of mucus is really funny. What is funnier, however, is that the oh-so-intelligent Taiwanese government, headed by Chen Shui-bian and his oh-so-brilliant party (I forgot what DPP stands for), is spending over a billion Taiwanese dollars (I don't know what NT stands for either) on some stupid arms deal with the USA that will only see weapons arriving in Taiwan fifteen years later.
How effective is that going to be when China decides to bomb you in 2006, or anytime within the next fifteen years? And yeah, how hilarious that that Yu guy whose name I have also forgotten can still go off about how Taiwan will be able to bomb Shanghai with the weapons acquired from the new arms deal if China bombs Taipei and Kaohsiung. Hahahahahaha. Excuse me while I fall off my chair laughing.
And besides, if you bomb Shanghai, you'll only be pissing off the countries who have hoards of foreign investments in the city, France being one of them, as well as uh, let me think... okay, I can't remember, but I'm pretty sure that if you land a random figure on the European bit of the world map, you'd point out a country with significant foreign investments in Shanghai. I think I want to live in Shanghai one day. Read an article about it in Time magazine and although the idea of how Westernised Shanghai is is a bit disorienting at first, the more I tihnk about it, the more I think it'll be the perfect place for me. New York City rocks but it is inherently an ang moh city and I don't want to stray any further from my roots than necessary. And I also found out a few days back that the annual school fees at NYU is like, US$45000. A place for rich dumb kids, according to the guy at the American Education tour thing held on Sunday. According to him, too, you'd be able to get in with Cs in the O Levels.
How interesting. If only I were rich. Oh well.
But anyway, my point is... just read back that paragraph and there are, in fact, more than one point.
So let me revise that: My points are, Taiwan's government is stupid; I am stupid; and I want to go to Shanghai and then decide if I want to live there.
I did get 20/25 for that Japanese Occupation as a turning point in the development of Southeast Asian nationalism afer all.
I think it's very disturbing that out of all 8 history essays, there are only two of them that are genuine A essays. I guess I shouldn't have watched The Apprentice the night before Paper 2 so that I could've had more time stuffing last-minute facts for colonialism. Why did I ever hope of getting a nice mark for the indirect rule question when I only studied it at 12 midnight?
It's all because of that one mark that I didn't get for the indirect rule question that cost me the A. Initially, I thought, as did the teacher, that I really got to taste the water from the fountain in the centre of paradise, but no. Turned out that she wrote the mark wrongly for one question on the cover page and gave me an extra mark.
So I didn't get an A, and hence whatever hopes of me scoring at least one A in the prelims have vanished. Since Paper 8 was not any better yesterday than they have been for the whole year, it's going to pull me down. I predict an E for Lit. Yay.
It's so hard to get into Prac Crit though. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I just can't get into it. There was no sense of urgency save for the last fifteen minutes when I realised that I've only written one page for the second question, and neither was there any semblance to a slight sense of confidence on my part.
It just sucked and I'm really hungry. I bought underwear yesterday though. Didn't manage to find a single decent yellow top, however. I'm disappointed in Mango's range of clothing this season, however a 'season' is defined. It's drabby and dull. I did buy Maksim's new album and I have to say this or else I will die: HE HAS THE BEST BODY EVER. He is totally totally totally hot. Every man should have a body like his. It's lean without being skinny, muscular without going overboard. It's so amazingly sexy.
Listened to the first few tracks. I can't believe Tchaikovsky (sp) turned out like THAT. I can't wait to listen to his and his production team's take on Mussorgsky's (I hate impossible-to-spell Russian names) Pictures at an Exhibition though, as well as one of Chopin's norturne.
I love music from the Romantic period. Amazing stuff. Baroque is distinct and, frankly, boring. Everything sounds the same and they keep doing that thing with the chords and the variations and all and everyone knows that chords are impossible to play if they contain more than two notes, and okay, fine, so I just plain suck at playing the piano, but the point is, I don't like Baroque music and I love Romantic music.
Yeah. Evidently, this entry, like every entry in here, is steeped in incoherence and banality. I'm feeling likewise anyway so what do I care?
Stomach hurts. Love my new underwear.
PS. Since the last I mentioned it to now, the problem with my stupid Yahoo! mailbox persists. If anyone has to email me or else, do so at this address: [email protected]. Well, at least I think the thing after the @ is gmail. It's google mail. It has 1GB of storage space. It's amazing. Thanks Ed for the invite. And yes, it's yelendotdean. yelen.dean14. Yes.
before sunrise // before sunset
Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010