uh yeah.
written: 6:41 p.m. on Friday, Oct. 15, 2004

So a few days ago while I was in the canteen making a stab at forcing myself to study I decided to get my arse off the seat and get myself some food. So I stood up, started to walk in the direction of the stalls, when I heard somebody mention my name.

I turned in the direction of the voice. Saw some (fat) guy looking at me.

Uh, okay.

Looked away and walked away.

And no, there isn't a point to the above.

I went to school today for Econs consultation. Spent like fifteen bloody minutes waiting for Mr. Girl to show up. In the end I went ahead first and asked my questions.

To be very honest, I was damn embarrassed because I had like so many questions. (MCQ lah of course; what the hell else can I possibly ask about Econs?) I think if I bothered to count them, they'd total up to about... like, I don't know, a hundred?! And despite sitting outside the staffroom, burning a hole in both the seat and my arse, letting an hour and a half, or even more, fly past me without my knowledge, I still have three whole topics worth of questions left unasked. And now that I'm finally starting on micro stuff, a.k.a things that come with myriad pedantic calculations that will certainly kill me without a shadow of a doubt, I expect my questions to treble in volume.

My teacher nearly lost it when Mr. Girl asked her to explain the liquidity preference thingy, the portion on speculative demand for money. I don't understand it but it hardly matters, I think. I mean, all you have to know is that when interest rates rise, the price of bonds falls. Hence, people will buy bonds which means that their speculative demand for money falls. Why? I don't know. Who cares? Just memorise it and use it to answer irritating MCQ stuff. Right? Yes.

So the teacher was like, "I went through this umpteen times and you're still asking me?" I was a little bit wary of asking her a really stupid question, 'cause I don't like it when teachers go off on a rant at me. I mean, nobody does, but I like it even less than most people. My pride matters a lot to me. I hate being scolded, by parents and teachers alike, because the only thing it does is to smear my pride with shit and when that happens, I become even more morose and rebellious, and hence the likelihood that I'd even bother to listen to your shit becomes negative. So scolding me is actually a waste of your saliva so people shouldn't bother.

But, as usual, I digress. The point is, my teacher had to see another student after me and Mr. Girl. The two of us stayed outside the staffroom and he helped me decipher crazy MCQs, and then it was about 11 a.m. and my teacher was still there. This means that, effectively, she spent about three hours talking Econs to people dumber than her.

That is another reason why I cannot see myself as a teacher. The patience it requires is just too much for me to bear. I'm the most impatient person in the world and it would take a really huge concussion for me to be able to do that. Considering the kind of shit I've done to teachers -- wasting their time by ranting incoherently about my academic woes, asking stupid questions that are actually braindead and hence easy, and of course, not doing my work -- I'd hazard to guess at the kind of cards karma would deal me if I ever go down that path.

I hope I never do. I mean, I wouldn't mind that much if it's a 4 or 6-year stint, but for the rest of my LIFE? No bloody way. You're not even paid that much. S$4000 a month is barely enough for me, thank you very much.

In the middle of my Econs consultation my civics tutor, who carried a truckload of files and other related items in her arms, came over to me and exclaimed (and I mean, exclaiemd), "Wow Yelen, you got top in three subjects!"

Yeah. Tell me something I don't know. Kinda figured that out for myself yonks ago.

Still, I have to admit that her enthusiasm was rather touching, in some strange, undefinable sort of way. I don't really know what I'm off about but it's just kinda nice, I guess. I used to seriously dislike her last year as she was always trying to be politically-correct and hence censoring my writings (for some website thing) but overtime, I've grown to appreciate her for all her idiosyncracies and flaws. She's a genuinely nice woman, and one of the least malicious adults I've ever come across. It's amazing that she can be like that in this world. Maybe it's something got to do with her religion, which is Christianity, of course. I don't know. Anyway, I don't really care; it hardly matters. I don't know why I say that but... yeah.

This entry, and any semblance to coherence it might have had, has completely gone to the dogs.

I never thought the A Levels would arrive. And I feel so ill-prepared and lost that with each day that passes that brings me closer to the firing squard, the panic in me increases in magnitude. I can't do this, I can't deal, I can't take this, I can't handle it, but I don't have a choice because this is it, it's do or die and I don't want to die but I think I'd die anyway no matter what I do, because I think a lot of it was written in the stars long before I was born, I think I'm destined to fail at every single thing that I do, I think I'm not meant to lead an existence that aberrates from the norm, I think luck and fate would have it that I perpetually breathe underwater, and yes Jimmy, I am impaled on the crook of conditioning, there is no way to be truly great in this world, a fish has no choice that it is, genius would have it that I swim in sand, I am a fish and I drown, ten times over, over and over, until I am used to it.

I think a part of me has already given up. I think into the future and see a "C" on my results slip but it doesn't affect me the way it did a few months ago.

Still, a larger part of me continues to insist on stubbornly hanging on, refusing to let go, because, despite me and my self-effacing sentiments, I don't really want to concede defeat just yet.

The consensus amongst all the voices in my head is, if you go in with a fatalistic mentality, you are going to fail. Even if the questions are easy, even if you understand the poem and manage not to "misread" it, you are going to fail if you don't lift yourself from that draining fatalistic mindset. It's all in the mind, really. I don't think it was a coincidence that my worst performances for the prelims were for papers for which I went into the classroom, totally relaxed, with the thought, "Who cares; I'm going to fail anyway" running through my mind on heavy rotation. (Needless to say, I'm referring to Maths Paper 1, Lit Paper 8 and Econs MCQ.)

I'm forcing myself to choose not to be fatalistic. It's tough, because I'm inherently pessismistic and I do underrate myself a bit too much at times. But for the sake of my pride, as well as my parents', and for the sake of some of the teachers whom I respect enough to think about, I'm just going to do this. No matter what. For once in my life, I'm choosing to be optimistic. Yes, I'm fucking afraid and I wish I could stave off the impending doom forever, but this is a type of situation in which you're stranded all by yourself in the middle of the Pacific ocean or whatever with nothing but a life-jacket and a pair of oars, and even though you're physically-inept with flaccid jellies for arm muscles, you still force yourself to row the boat as much as possible, taking you as far as you can go. Because, obviously, if you choose to sit on your arse and wait for help to arrive, the probability that you'd drown in the sea or starve to death or whatever immediately increases.

Okay, so that was the corniest analogy ever, but you get my point. And anyway, I doubt that help would ever arrive to a person stranded in the middle of nowhere on the hottest day on Earth, so the logical thing to do is to help yourself. Right? Right. Yes.

Oh my god GP is on the 4th of November. What if none of the questions make sense to me? What if I don't get anything on the arts and a general question on the state of the world today? What if I blank on it and die halfway? If I don't get the A1, it's the end of the world for me. Because if I get the A1, I'd probably be attending College Day next year to get the top in GP award.

Right. But seriously, if I don't update this after March next year, it probably means that I didn't get the grades that I want and hence I've decided to do the world a favour and stop wasting its resources, hence killing myself.

I'm just kidding. I think.

Okay. Time to stop wasting time. I think I won't go to school much next week. I hardly get anything done in there. Or maybe I'd go in the morning and come home earlier so that I can properly start things earlier. I don't know. We'll see. I'll let my mood dictate my decision, as with most things that I do.

I FUCKING WANT TO WATCH 2046!

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010