sigh.
written: 5:27 p.m. on Friday, May. 06, 2005
Me as a GP student during Term One in JJC 2004:
1. Go to class at least 10 minutes late;
2. Sit at the back of class and talk to Pei;
3. Sit at the back of class and laugh when Cody took narcissistic pictures of himself;
4. Sit at the back of class and think it hilarious when teacher kicks a bunch of us out of class for talking too loudly. We had to bring out tables and chairs to the corridors and do our comprehension there. I thought it was the funniest thing ever;
5. Basically, sit at the back of class and tune the teacher out; and so on and so forth.
So here's my declaration: THE DAY THAT I BECOME A REAL TEACHER IS THE DAY THAT I DIE.
I had three classes today and the only class in which I didn't feel even slightly disheartened was the 13-people Science class. I didn't even give a shit that some guy cut the class; I saw him in the morning immediately after morning assembly and he wasn't at GP. Honestly, the kind of grades that they'd eventually get has got nothing to do with me. Even if I completely fuck up these seven days, I'm sure Mr. Arthur Kok the Almighty Genius can swoop in and clean my mess, and more than competently so as well. Going by that, why should I care, right? Why should I be remotely affected?
Because I am human and therefore inherently stupid and weak, I suppose. I love the 13-people Science class; I really do. They're the greatest kids in the world. They don't have the most amazing command of English but they really make a commendable and admirable effort to try to attain better grades, and I respect that. Most importantly, they diligently and seriously do the work that I tell them to do instead of sitting back with their arses sliding halfway down the chair, talking about Sentosa with their mates, messaging on their handphones, etc, and you know what? They do it well too. If they weren't the ones that concluded my day, I think I would've handed in my resignation letter and told Jurong Junior that I have had ENOUGH of this shit and I don't even want the fucking extra spending money anymore; I want to sleep until 12.30 every day, I don't want to try to talk above the students, I don't want to tell them off for being noisy, and above all else, I don't want to feel like I'm responsible for wasting class time.
This really stinks. In that 50% Arts class the only time when everyone listened to me was when I was talking about Econs. Like, what the hell has that got to do with Science and Technology (which, may I add, I know close to shit-all about) right? And then there were people at the back doing who-the-hell-knew-what, blatantly not giving a shit about whatever was going on, and they could've just made it easier for me and stabbed me with a knife; at least I would've died a million times faster. I had to tell two people off because I was starting to get ticked off - ie, on the verge of being pissed off.
And the icing on the fucking cake? I feel bad about it now.
I mean, honestly, if I were in school and someone like me came in to do relief teaching work, I doubt I'd even show up for class, unless the relief teacher were a really hot young guy, you know? If the relief teacher were someone like me, I'd be behaving exactly like the students sitting at the back too. This is the worst part, because I totally relate and yet I still take it quite personally despite my knowing how it's like and how fucking stupid GP is and how the chances of the GP notes being used is about 20% for an Arts class (or maybe it was just me...oh wait, I didn't even touch my GP notes before my exam, or anytime after GP lessons for that matter), et al.
And yeah, the module is damn boring and I still don't really know what some of the stuff in there are all about but fucked if I knew how to make it interesting. I can't go on complaining about the transportation fare hike, can I? And stem cell research? I know Mr. Dore went off in detail about it last year but all I remember from it is that some are against it because they believe that an embryo is a human being; period. Beyond that? Nada, zilch, zip, absolutely zero.
But hello, it's not like they're getting really fantastic grades or anything. The highest GP promo grade is about a B4 - which completely fails to impress me. I mean, if you want to slack, at least prove that you have the right to do it. I wouldn't say anything if you're scoring like A's, like I was, but dude, you're not. And it's a real shame because I can tell that many of them are really smart and they can probably write a really mean GP essay if they wanted to. Why is all that potential going to waste?
I don't know if it's just the Arts Stream Syndrome, but it was still quite hard to take all the same.
Still, on a brighter note, I'm only talking about 5% of the students. The thing I like about the 50% Arts class is that some of the students have interesting things to say about some very boring topics, which takes the heat off me for a bit (always a good thing in my opinion). And the girls who sit in front are very sweet too and this applies for the other, bigger Science class as well.
Oh help me. This is a joke. For heaven's sake, I've always hated public speaking and isn't this teaching thingy quite similar to that?
Fuck it. I had a nightmare last night; dreamt that I didn't get into Law and the feeling was so devastating and earth-shattering that it honestly felt like it was the end of the world. I can already see myself as a lawyer and I like what I'm seeing so please, National University of Singapore, I beseech you: do not take away my pretty mental image; thank you very much.
It sucks to have to deal with students like yourself. It drives you crazy that they obviously don't care but simultaneously, you can't exactly blame them either because you know what it's like. It's only been a year since you were in the same position and you haven't forgotten a single bit. It's cool not to care; you get cred for zonking out in class; and only geeks and nerds pay attention. Right? Yeah, tell me about it. Secondary school - the epitome of my indifference. Scribbling in my diary when I was supposed to be listening to Chem/Bio/Maths/other boring stuff, and I paid the price, didn't I? An abysmal 13 points for the crappy O Levels, which I still maintain were a waste of my time.
See? Nothing has changed but I'm supposed to give them shit for behaving the way I did? I don't think so, really. Who doesn't message in class in front of the teacher? Who doesn't switch off every once in a while?
I feel so bad about being quite nasty to that kid who was messenging on his phone. Why Yelen why? I wish I were a true blue bitch. Despite my tough talkings here, I'm really quite soft and THAT is horrendously disturbing.
How do teachers survive being teachers? 7 days of this already feels like it may be too long, and this time, it ain't purely my commitment phobia talking.
Right, I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I had a nice entry planned out but it came out in broken fragments and I'm too tired to think properly so whatever. I wouldn't be surprised if some of them chanced upon this online diary and read all this but yeah.
In other news, Scott got kicked out of American Idol which finally put my fears of him winning over the amazing Bo Bice to rest. Wahoo! It's about time.
In yet other news, Mel got into NUS FASS. YAY!
Also, chatted with Tingren at the rooftop cafe today. Was nice catching up and having a real conversation with a friend after an entire morning of doing otherwise. I feel like a goddamn outsider, if truth be told. It still feels weird sitting in the staffroom.
That's all for today.
before sunrise // before sunset
Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010