retrospective.
written: 3:46 p.m. on Tuesday, Jun. 07, 2005

**

I recently downloaded London Calling by The Clash and surprisingly, I really like it. I thought they would sound similar to The Ramones but they don't - at all. In fact, comparing London Calling and I Wanna Be Sedated, I definitely prefer the former. I heard snatches of the lyrics here and there and the whole anti-establishment thing is really, really sweet.

If only bands who try to to punk made music that meant something; how different the industry would be!

Right, like I really give a shit about the music industry. It's choked with crap that I'd never listen to anyway so who cares.

I just wanna say that I love my MP3 player. And I still haven't cleaned my room and hence the speakers haven't been set up.

I am too lazy for my own good.

**

Azrul wrote in my guestbook:

'No artist has ethical sympathies. An ethical sympathy in an artist is an unpardonable mannerism of style.' - Oscar Wilde

Therefore, write what you feel.

The thing is, I don't feel anything. I wish I could be half as intelligent as Oscar Wilde was but I'm not. I can't write and that's the truth. Most of the time I'm simply pretending and the knowledge that your existence is vacuous and not very important stings so much that you choose to take the easy way out by not thinking about it.

As subcutaneous as it is, this hollowness frustrates all the same. I don't know what writing is about anymore and I genuinely believe that my past declarations of writing being oxygen were nothing but pretentious hot-air fuelled by a few people who did not exactly succeed in the craft themselves. I wish I could write what I feel but where do I begin if I don't feel anything, and I really, genuinely honestly don't?

Woe is the untalented writer-wannabe without a voice of her own, much less a fucking subject.

Fuck this.

**

Was at Orchard yesterday and it bored me to near-tears. I bought a skirt from Zara and two books, Ben Elton's "Past Mortem" (I think that's the title anyway) and Dickens's "A Tale of Two Cities". I picked up the latter, read the first two lines and immediately headed to the cashier with the book.

What can I say about Dickens? He's awesome and at the same time, I wish he were less verbose so that I can just get to the good part and skip over all the seemingly-pointless ones. But of course, since he's Dickens, he's never pointless; hence, I blame my inability to finish Great Expectations on my staggeringly and tragically short attention span.

Good, beautiful literature makes you feel alive. I'll have to remember that always.

**

It's bad that I can't make up my mind and stick with that decision. I'm dreading school because I don't know how everything's going to play out, and the lack of control is terrifying. Perhaps I wouldn't feel as apprehensive if I'd chosen Arts instead, for all my friends are there and I know for sure that I'd be soul-happy doing Lit.

The thing with Law is that 50% of it is about the money. And I realised yesterday while I was trying not to go crazy with boredom at Orchard that money may not be as important to me as I thought it would be in the future after all. There's only so much happiness you can buy with cash; the rest of it comes in things so intangible and ethereal that no amount of money in the world can ever begin to account for it. I think I'd need other, less material things after all. I'm already starting to show signs of that.

On the flip side, I'm eager to do Law 'cause it sounds like fun; 'cause it feels good to know things that 99% of the world populartion doesn't; and 'cause it boosts my ego tremendously to say "Hi, I'm Yelen and I'm going to Law school." It also saves my dad from eternal embarrassment, but I probably care more about saving his face than he really does.

And then there's the money. You need a stable roof over your head to pursue your worldly interests, and I think I want a nice, luxurious one - not just for me, but for my folks as well.

I don't even know what my point is anymore. I'm just really bored right now and felt like writing something; hence.

Oh well.

**

Turned down University Scholars, obviously. When I entertained the thought of passing up Law for Scholar Arts my dad got very angry at me.

Have I ever mentioned that he majored in History in Taiwan? Well, he did. Had close to zero job prospects when he graduated and thus settled for teaching. He knows that I don't want to teach - hence everything, the law, the anti-Arts, everything.

I guess I understand. For now though, that's more than enough for me.

**

Oh, and one more thing: Atashi wa tsuyoi!

(At least, I hope I got that right. The grammar and all.)

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010