the truth.
written: 6:41 p.m. on Wednesday, Jul. 13, 2005

I'm so exhausted right now.

Had lots of fun.

Now I'm dreading tomorrow more than I've dread anything else, including the A Levels.

You know, I never thought that could even remotely be possible before, but it's funny how things change sometimes.

I was watching Before Sunrise this morning at like 1 a.m. (great film by the way, although I was falling asleep but more later) and I was thinking about how amazing it is that Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy started out as two strangers who happened to cross each other's path on the train but after just one night they found this deep, intricate connection with each other that they probably would never find with another person ever again. And I'm thinking that 'forever' is overrated. A girl likes a boy and vice versa. Normal people consider major factors like, "Can I see myself with this person for the rest of my life? Can I see myself marrying this person?"

And I'm like, who the fuck remotely cares? If you like someone you should just get together, you know? Life is too damn short to sit around, wait, speculate and be all, "Oh my god, if I go out with this guy yadayadayada bullshit whatever fuck." You second-guess and guess again and think of a trillion "what if"s but the most important "what if" is 'what if I miss out on something great?' If Celine hadn't got off the train with Jesse would she regret it for the rest of her life? I think she would.

Then again, maybe it's just me. I believe that all things are transient, exactly like how life is. You might as well have a bit of fun before that truth bites you hard in the ass.

Then again again, I'm in no major position to preach about embracing life and living in the moment. I never knew I could be such a huge coward.

Forget about that.

So anyway I'm damn tired. I was out practically the whole day yesterday, came home at around 11-something p.m., showered and then watched Before Sunrise at like, I dunno, 12.36 a.m.? Slept at 2-something a.m., but couldn't sleep 'cause there were some shit bugging me, fell asleep at like, 3-something, drifted in and out of sleep, opened my eyes at 7.45 a.m., slept again for a bit, and finally Tingren called me at 8.58 a.m. and then I woke up.

Yeah we went to KBox today. Was the 11 a.m. slot. Was damn fun. Yeah. That should succinctly explain why I'm totally falling asleep right now.

I like singing Tao Ze's "Zhao Zi Ji". Jielun's "Wa Jie" is pretty cool too.

I was supposed to watch the latest sappy romance from Japan that has a title too long for me to remember with Tingren but I copped out after watching two movies yesterday with Clarence. It was insane, yesterday was. Initial D (fifth time for me HAHAHAHA) and Downfall. I was falling asleep at both, ha ha ha. The former, for obvious reasons; and I can even spout the dialogue before the subtitles come on (like the bit where Anthony Wong goes, "Why did you steal my underwear?" to Jielun in the beginning; that's really funny or maybe it's just me). The latter was...it was a good movie and shit but there was like, a severe lack of dramatisation - which is probably not a word but too tired to give a fuck - and I fidgeted a lot because I didn't really know where it was going. But it was good. It told the story of the Second World War from the perspective of the Nazis and I don't remember watching a WWII film where the POV isn't that of the victims'. I also liked the bit at the end where Hitler's secretary spoke a bit about her experience and her memories of that tumultuous (too lazy to check spelling) period. It makes you think that maybe so many people went along with his insane ideals and practices because they were simply ignorant. They didn't know what he was doing; they were sufficiently brainwashed; and Hitler's charisma blinded them to the point of complacency, such that they never thought to question the Fuhrer's orders and decisions.

It's scary, to be honest. I can't imagine being swept away by a political leader to that kind of extreme myself. And even more scary, Hitler's claim that compassion for the weak is a mortal sin was something that I could, in a vague sort of way, understand. I don't condone it and I'm not dysfunctional to the point of agreeing with it, but it does make some sort of warped sense if you think about it. In practical, ruthless terms, compassion stifles the development of a country. It's the weaker members of society that drags a country down. Money spent on welfare and unemployment benefits can be channelled to better use, yadayada I can't think of any other things right now.

But still. As cynical as I am, at the core of everything I desperately want to believe in the goodness of people, in humanity. I think I'm this huge anti-establishment, anti-mainstream and anti-majority rebel-ass, and I'd like to be so but to convince myself of something like that would be a major lie.

I don't know. All is not well lately in the state of Yelen's mind.

My parents nagged at me for wasting so much money yesterday. Haha. It's funny. My dad picked me up from the bus stop opposite the rail mall, black-faced me for a bit, nagged a bit about my lavish spending like I'm so damn rich when in fact I'm anything but, and I was preparing myself for this huge thrashing but then we got home, I sat down on the couch with him and my mom and watched the news on Channel U, my dad started bitching about the NKF scandal and that was it.

I don't give them as much credit as I should, eh?

Then again, I didn't tell them that the other film I watched was Initial D. My dad pulled that 'don't spend so much money' talk on me after I went for the fourth time; I can't imagine what he would've said if I'd told him. Ha.

And then there's that whole thing about spending the whole day with a guy. They thought I was with Mel. Ah, whatever. I don't wanna think about this right now.

I bought a sized L men's pullover shirt from Zara today. It's so huge and baggy and cool. I like it.

I may write more later if I feel like it. For now I gotta go eat dinner.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010