blahhh blah blah blah blah.
written: 5:28 p.m. on Thursday, Jul. 14, 2005

14 July 2005
12.37 a.m.

So here we go again. This time it seems to feel worse than all the previous years combined, as if this day is so definitive that everything that comes after have the potential to determine what I�d be in the future. I know, it�s silly, completely irrational and the conventional belief that birthdays should be special and thus celebrated with all our heart and soul is a complete crock of shit�but still.

I can�t really explain why I feel so depressed when this date rolls around every year. Some of it has got to do with the fact that it�s more apparent on this date than on any others that I�m one step closer to death. You blow out candles, sing the insipid birthday song, pretend to be happy when deep down, you�re thinking, I don�t wanna go through this at all because it just makes me feel like shit. And you don�t wanna buy into the whole fuss everyone makes out of birthdays; you just want some quiet time alone; or so you think, because deep down, you know that you�re wishing for something special to happen. But because it�s your life, nothing ever happens, and you�ve grown to expect that because it�s the same thing every single year, and you want to accept it but it�s more difficult than you gave it credit. It�s like being resigned to your fate, how you have no friends, no one other than your family members who care about it (and that should be enough and so you�re fucking ashamed when you find yourself wishing for more) and other lovely things that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, as though you had a bulldozer inside you demolishing all your vital organs. And when you make such realisations you begin to feel so disappointed in yourself, because you brought yourself up to be tougher than an insipid, meaningless date and it�s revealed that you�re really just a fucking soppy and useless sentimentalist, that you�re not above this birthday mass insanity and idiocy. And how do you deal then? You sit in front of your laptop at 12.45 in the morning, typing about all the things that are wrong with your life simply because it�s supposedly your birthday. In other words, you whine � as if anyone really cares. As if it even means anything anymore. You have to somehow be used to the loneliness by now; it�s what you brought yourself up on isn�t it?

It�s worse this time. I�m one step away from entering NUS officially and I�m scared to hell. I never really left teenage angst behind, I realise. It�s been festering somewhere within me all these while, and now it�s making a huge comeback. Bang, and I�m 14 again, whining about how no one understands; how I want to kill myself; how I�m this huge misunderstood misanthrope and how I�m so unique as a result. Whatever, okay? Things are absurd sometimes. Absurdity is as good as insanity. It isn�t healthy to be so hung up over a lousy date and to feel like the whole world�s bearing down on you on that day just because you were born on this day 19 years ago. It doesn�t matter. It shouldn�t matter.

But because this is the year when everything changes, it feels magnified somehow. As if everything herein is irrevocable, and the stark truth glares in my face: there is no turning back. This is it. You haven�t sufficiently enjoyed being 18 and now you�re 19, and to rub extra salt into some very raw wounds, you�re leaving familiarity behind. Does my dread still make no sense? Is it still difficult to comprehend?

It�s simple. I�m Holden Caufield and I don�t want things to change. I don�t feel remotely ready for it, like I�m balancing on the sharp tip of a knife, waiting for it to fall. For once in a really long time I think I�ve truly lost control.

**

Well, today didn't suck that much. My left eye is hurting right now and I feel sick. Shouldn't have drank that medium-sized milk tea from Mos Burger just now.

So I had lunch with my folks at Crystal Jade. Headed over to West Mall where I met Azrul who gave me a nice card and a nice yellow squishy handphone holder thing that feels damn nice to squish. We hung out for about twenty minutes, he left to see the doctor (8 straight periods of tutorial does sound like mega hell), I waited for about fifteen minutes for Clarence to show his face, and he finally did.

I must've whined too much about how I hate birthdays because he got me something, which (pleasantly) surprised me. Sorry dude. It's kinda weird - hung out with him three days in a row. Apart from friends I used to see in school I don't believe I've ever been out with a person that much before. Anyway he arrived with this Happy Meal (haha I typed 'mean' initially how funny) box that had blue glitter spilling out from the bottom of the box, hence making a huge mess at Mos Burger. That was hilarious. I still have glitter on me now - well, only makes sense, since I just got home and I'm too lazy to take a shower. (I can only shower after 11 p.m. anyway, for some unknown reason.)

I'm feeling numb now, excruciatingly lethargic and I keep holding out for something mind-blowing but nothing ever delivers. This would be the perfect time to kill myself and why am I even thinking about that? It's weird.

Haha, I just typed a bunch of shit and deleted everything because it was too shitty to post. Anyway, I'm still dreading school like mad and Angela told me about a one-day job at Bedok tomorrow that I'm taking up. Like, you give out free coffee from 9 to 3 and get paid 7 an hour for it. Pretty cool, eh?

I didn't really go into details about yesterday. I was too busy thinking about other stuff - can't quite remember what they were. Anyway, Tingren lambasted me in my guestbook for ditching her after agreeing to watch the sappy Jap movie with her. I AM SO SORRY! I promise I'll make it up to you. I wanna go to Baybeats on Sunday so we could do something after that? I have some shit that I wanna tell you anyway so would be fun, yeah?

Also, Tingren, I think it's a good thing I didn't watch the movie. I would've spoiled it for you after when I bitch about how I don't like sappy movies. Haha! Okay now I'm just making excuses. But yeah, I'm really sorry. I had lots of fun KBox-ing though.

We (okay, it was just me) chose a lot of stupid songs, like Britney Spears's "Baby One More Time". I wanted to sing the parody Boobie version but I forgot the fucking words! And the worst part? The words came back to me after I got home, which is like, what the hell for, right? (I'm talking about that old parody that goes, Oh boobies boobies, my chest was supposed to grow, my cleavage wasn't right, no; oh boobies boobies, my breasts are completely false, and now my sweater's tight, yeah; surgery oh I wanna be a D, bigger mammaries I want them to show now oh because... yadayadayada. I downloaded it many years back and it's really funny.) Some shit Nsync song was thrown in as well, and also The Backstreet Boys' As Long As You Love Me. Haha! Mel butchered the Spears song to death and I was laughing so hard that I almost coughed my lungs out. Clarence picked F.I.R's Fly Away just to sing the two English words. Man that's so dumb that it's completely hilarious. Tingren had to do the rest of the Chinese bits. Haha! I totally fucked up Yi Fu Zhi Ming but then again Jielun sang it slightly out of tune during his Incomparable Taipei concert too so what the hell.

So anyway it was fun. I just love Jielun's "Wa Jie" so much. A couple of lines in the chorus are kinda too high for my shit vocals to reach but who cares anyway.

You wanna know something funny? Mel developed the photo we took together with Tubby and Clarence on July 4 (I can't remember what day it was but I remember the date 'cause it was my cousin's birthday) and gave it to us yesterday. Clarence asked me to keep it for him 'cause he carries a puny pouch (and it even alliterates) and not a big tote bag like me and all. So we took the bus home together, right? Before I got off at my stop he asked, "You don't have anything of mine, right?" This is because on the previous day, he bought a pair of shades, left it in my bag and forgot to claim them from me before we parted ways. But anyway, I totally forgot that his photo was with me until he asked. And when he asked I was in such a hurry to get off the bus that I was like, "Oh shit, your photo! Ah what the hell, I'll give you another day okay?"

So this 'another day' was supposed to be today but guess what? It completely, totally slipped my mind and I forgot to bring it out of the house. And it's really, really weird, because I don't forget things like that, and so many times too. I mean, three times is honestly a record for me. That's really weird isn't it?

Wanna know something hilarious? Clarence and I had lunch at Modesto's on like, Tuesday, 'cause he had this $5-off voucher thingy. So we walked all the way there from Shaw/Isetan/whatever in the slight drizzle, paid for over-priced food and after we got out of there he suddenly went, "Oh shit!", because he forgot to use the voucher. Haha! How funny. I was just laughing my ass off at that.

I need to wash some clothes but I'm too lazy. Maybe tomorrow.

I think I'm going out for dinner now. Oh wait, it's raining. Cool. I love the rain.

After writing all that crap which I deleted I suddenly feel so much better. I think writing is the best form of therapy.

Even better? It's completely free. Ha!

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010