writing as therapy.
written: 4:36 p.m. on Sunday, Aug. 14, 2005

I'm half a foot away from completely throwing in the towel. The perennial question of Why Can't People Involved in the Legal Profession Just Write in Plain English continues to make its presence felt whenever I attempt to get through the thick stack of notes, because the writing is so formal and pedantic that it completely sinks into Greekdom territory. An illustration:

"...We cannot, therefore, adopt the standpoint of a supposed observer who knows all the facts; we may not even adopt the standpoint of a supposed observer who has standardised information in regard to the existence of events, since as to the happening of particular events there can be so standardised knowledge. What has been done is to create a fictitious entity, the standard man, endowing him with the knowledge of the actor, and, in some cases, further knowledge. To the extent that further knowledge is added, so that the actor is held for what he 'ought to know,' but does not, risk is standardised. In a sense it is objective; but only in the sense that it has reference to a person in the position of the actor with such differences in knowledge and qualities from those of the actor as may be required to make him the 'man of average prudence.'"

That loud sigh you just heard came from me. I am so damn tired. I spent an hour reading 12 pages of a paper from the Harvard Law Review on whether negligence is subjective or objective - 12 pages out of 20-odd pages and my mind has been effectively shut down. It doesn't help, too, that I understand individual sentences perfectly fine but when it comes to piecing everything together to comprehend what the writer is imparting to you, nothing connects and nothing makes sense and I'm half-convinced that I'm reading nothing but gibberish.

But to convince myself of that would be nothing short of being completely egotistical and blind to my inherent short-comings as a Chinese who inherited a foreign language. I'm not in the mood to delve into that right now; suffice to say, then, that this Law school experience has alerted me to the fact that my command of English isn't nearly as good as I believed it was. Attempting to read and understand papers from the Harvard Law Review and failing miserably in the process made me feel like the 7-year-old me who'd just came back to Singapore from Taiwan, driving past "Red Light Camera" signs on the streets and thinking it was "Red Light Cinema"; taking the aptitude entry test in St. Nicks in English and staring at foreign words and failing in the end; befriending an Indian girl in St. Anthony's Convent purely because she spoke Mandarin; and scoring mere 80-something marks for English when I was eventually enrolled in St. Nicks while others were pushing a hundred.

The three-month preparation period for the A Levels was marred with more instances of self-doubt than I care to remember. Back then, it seemed like the most torturous, emotionally-draining thing I'd ever have to go through, every day towards it an uphill battle in which I always fought at the losing end. Now, the benefit of hindsight and my present predicament/challenge/fucking tedious new mountain to scale (and this tediousness increases in magnitude if we consider the fact that I am NOT an outdoorsy person and that my idea of a perfect workout is hitting Orchard Road) kindly alert me to how wrong I was. The A Levels was nothing but a mere gravel along the path of the long, rocky road that vaguely resembles Life.

I am fallible because I am inherently flawed: I am too greedy, too cocksure, over-confident, over-estimating my own abilities and forcing myself to achieve what my DNA bars me from ever getting. The perfect illustration? The 4A's nonsense. An A in Mathematics? Me? I must've been on crack, some kind of hallucinatory substance that induced the possibility of that wish becoming reality...and to a great extent, I'm still very much intoxicated, floating stubbornly above what is real and right before my eyes, refusing to be brought down to earth.

Why do I have to excel? Why do I have to be better than everyone else? Why do I see only the competition without and force it to be the competition within? ҪӮ�����Լ�, the only fight you have to win is the one with yourself, but these are words that exist in mere vacuum. Do I expect too much of myself? But why do I bother asking the question when I already know the answer?

And yet, despite knowing that Yes, you expect too much of yourself, I can't make myself stop. It's become something that defines me, a determinative fact that makes up my existence so that I would cease to be the same person without it. A week in law school and already I feel like I'm constantly drowning, the self-doubt from the A Level period coming back in full force and slapping me hard across the face. Trespass to person. If only I could sue for damages to my psychiatric well-being.

I cried in the car yesterday on our way to dinner with the rest of the family. The pressure from myself to be extraordinary...calling it 'immense' would probably be the biggest understatement ever willed into existence in all of human history. I have to recover from JJC because JJC wasn't real; it was a mere illusion that exaggerated my true capabilities. I'm still bloated on that illusion, from the lies it fed me, or the half-truths cleverly packaged as facts; no wonder the 500-word case summary gave me such a mighty headache. Call me an over-achiever if you must, but it seemed so important to every single aspect of who I am that I did it right. The self esteem, the pride (especially the pride), the faith in nothing else but my own strength, they're like the Constitution of a country, and unlike Singapore's Constitution, this one is utterly unalterable.

Still, the case summary I eventually submitted is doomed to failure. I'm going to scrap a shitty C- for that one, just mark my words. It probably won't make much of an impact on my LAWR grade, but for someone who is as myopic/single-minded as me, what the long run entails hardly matters.

So when you cease to believe in yourself (if only momentarily and I'm hoping it's only momentarily) you draw strength from others' belief in you. Peixuan and Khai. What they said on Wednesday in the Arts canteen during our amazing, soul-searchingly honest conversation is something I'd never forget, something I'd always turn to in times like these when I get the almost irrepressible urge to go to NUS tomorrow and request for transfer out of Law and to FASS.

In JC, I complained and bitched about how there was no competition, how I felt unsatisfied as a result, how everything sucked because everything was mediocre, how unchallenging everything was.

Well, Yelen, here's your challenge. Maybe you should've been more careful of what you wished for, but nevertheless, you got what you wanted (or thought you wanted; same difference essentially, though, right?). Of course it's completely daunting, you idiot. It's new, you've never done this shit before, you're not a genius despite your proclaiming otherwise throughout 2003; if it doesn't come to you quickly enough at first, don't whine about it, just give it time. Everything will fall into place, one way or another.

Law school is the A Levels magnified infinitely.

The bright side? I didn't do too badly for the stupid, pointless A Levels. That has to count for something, hasn't it?

**

In other news, the left side of my mouth is hurting like there's no fucking tomorrow. My mom examined it and concluded that yes, the wisdom tooth is coming out, major joy and congratulations to you.

Oh fuck my teeth, I swear. I don't wanna see the dentist, even though I ought to, because it's going to hurt so bad. Eating and chewing on the left side has become excruciating, and for once I'm not using that word loosely. I felt a dull ache weeks ago - it was Friday three weeks ago and I remember that it was a Friday because I was out with Clarence that day and I remember telling him about the ache at Cafe Cartel at Raffles City. The ache mysteriously went away on the next day, but over the span of the next few weeks it's got a lot worse. I probe the gum a bit with the tongue and FUCK the pain oh my god I'M LIKE ALMOST DEAD!

Okay, that was largely an exaggeration but it does hurt like mad. I was hoping that the growth of the wisdom teeth/tooth (I haven't ascertained yet whether it's coming out on top as well) would be uncomplicated and fuss-free, but oh, I am me after all, and that inherently dictates that whatever I hope for will turn to shit.

I have no idea where the hell that came from either.

**

Writing, no matter how bad/mediocre the quality, will always be therapeutic.

Legal writing isn't real writing, no offence to law students/lawyers/otherpeoplealongthoselines. I will not let it bother me.

**

I could say something about the no-contest presidential election and how useless presidential elections are in Singapore but why bother?

I am convinced that it is the general public's acquiescence to the powers that be and apathy towards politics that's causing the political scene here to be the way that it is. The tort of defamation is a magic wand for politicians to hold on tighter to their vice-like grip on power, to vanquish the opposition, and to continue casting a spell on the people and it's that spell that keeps the people going back to electoral booths and voting for the same party over and over.

The fallibility and significant weakpoint of democracy is inherent in its basic principle: majority rules. I'm sorry (even though I'm really not) for sounding elitist, Nazi-like, Hitler-ish, but the majority is stupid, end of story. The intellects of a society comprise of a small minority and in a democratic system that minority could hardly be heard. Of course, communism essentially sucks more than democracy; like hell I'd ever agree to share my hard-earned money with the lazy asshole living next door. You reap what you sow, you earn your own keeps, if you're stupid and lazy and able-bodied then that's entirely your problem and I don't see why the law should make it mine.

But democracy (even if it's only a mere facade that's supposed to resemble it) sucks, and it sucks significantly, when the minority has to pay for the idiocy of the majority. In Singapore the majority says, We Don't Care About Politics Or Who Is In Charge As Long As We Continue To Enjoy The Same Quantitative Standard Of Living Until We Finally Die After Needlessly Depleting The Earth Of Its Sacred Resources. This gives the powers that be the prerogative to sue the life out of anyone they see fit, ie. anyone that threatens to undermine their hold on power. If Michael Moore were Singaporean he'd be dead beyond reasonable doubt by now, make no mistake.

Defamation as a political tool is too deeply-entrenched in our legal culture, which is directly influenced by our politically-apathetic Singaporean culture. How absolutely sad is that? You don't feel passionate about anything local because nothing you say or do or believe in will make a difference as long as it doesn't conform with the moral standard of the majority or what is socially desirable, nevermind that there is no such thing as absolute moral values and there will never be a set of standards with which everyone will agree absolutely.

My point is, the majority is stupid (by definition and by some logical conclusions), defamation lawsuits is an integral part of our legal culture, and hence elections are a waste of time.

I don't think that made an ounce of sense. Forget it.

**

I suddenly find myself looking forward to Tuesday's Singapore Legal System lecture, despite the fact that I'm assigned a seat in the first row right at the centre which means that I have to diligently do my readings or else I will just die of utter embarrassment.

Bright side? RUI IS BESIDE ME! YAY!

The reason for my sudden (maybe short-lived) enthusiasm for SLS lectures is this: the whole legal culture thing, what I tried to talk about but failed at, that was the discourse of Friday's lecture.

And amazingly, despite my half-comprehension of what went on, I'm still thinking about it.

**

A thought: This entry is stupid and long. I apologise for its directionless meanderings.

Perfectly reflective of its author's current state of mind.

**

After being annihilated by the case summary and how lousy my end product was yesterday, I decided to take a walk, get out of the house, clear my head, etc etc. I was on MSN and for the first time ever, Clarence was on at the same time.

MSN is comparatively better than SMS. At least his replies are more prompt on the former. Anyway, I told him my plan and he invited himself (okay not really) and we hung out for about forty minutes at the Rail Mall. It's a shitty, nothing-to-do-wah-lau-fuck-lah place but sometimes, we just gotta make do with what you have, take what you can get, pay no mind to us, we're just a minor threat.

Haha okay, something induced me to type out the lyrics to Minor Threat by a real (ie. 1970s) punk band called Minor Threat, but yeah, sometimes we just gotta make do with what we have.

And we made do and it was just sooooo fantastically nice. I was fifteen minutes late; reached there at 5 when I said 4.45. And a second later I checked my watch and it was suddenly 5.20. I know it seems like an exaggeration but honestly, lay-my-heart-out-at-your-feet honestly, it genuinely felt that way.

Time flew and everything. Funny how time flies when you're not really doing anything, just living in the moment. We walked behind the shophouses, the residential areas, and it felt like rural Taiwan. Of course, I'm basing my agreement with his assessment on Kinmen, for I've never been to anywhere further south of Taiwan than Taichung (which is urban and city-ish); all the same, it was nice. There was something about the quaint, rustic charm of what was almost The Other Face Of The Rail Mall that made everything seem at peace with each other. And once you're away from the hustle and bustle of busy roads and concrete jungles and smelly and noisy trucks that speed past you and whip up a dusty storm in their wake, you truly begin to appreciate and enjoy the company of the person next to you.

It felt much better than retail therapy, than air-conditioning, than watching buildings explode in a darkened cinema. It was real; honest; and authentic. What a nice place to stumble upon, and who better to make that discovery with than Clarence?

(That was a rhetorical question.)

We engaged in this short discourse about Singlish and its place in the world and standard English and the level of standard English in Singapore, really nice stuff, I revealed myself to a major elitist Nazi but hey, who's remotely surprised?

This entry took me 2 hours and 14 minutes to compose.

Now it's time for dinner.

this entry requires chinese simplified encoding

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010