is this what it means to PMS?
written: 8:16 p.m. on Saturday, Nov. 19, 2005

Uh-oh, Dead Girl Walking at twelve o'clock! Someone needs to pull the plug on me; my life support is obviously failing.

Instead of reading notes, I read through 20+ pages of a 40-page thread on the latest VM episode; instead of pouring through my Torts supplementary materials, I re-watched two VM episodes; instead of taking a shower, I'm here writing about how I'm not doing anything. I think I feel guily but I also think that my "guilt" is more of an acquired reaction than an instinctive one, a result of my going through this country's monstrous education system that places unnecessary emphasis on grades. It's become, Have an exam coming up? You have to study every single day during the leading-up to the said exam.

So absurd, how preposterous, I can't even begin to convey how banal I find it. Unlike SLS which I willingly studied for, now we're talking about Torts and, well, what can I say? Torts and I...don't exactly have a very loving relationship going on for us and we're kind of on a verge of divorce.

Screw you, Torts.

Screw you harder, Contract.

Maybe if I'd known of that A- essay earlier I wouldn't have nonchalantly flushed my 30% down the toilet. Now it's really too late to make amends, too damn much to try to catch up on, I really hate that module. If you don't believe me, you should; the fact that I didn't understand that stupid essay is flashing some very bright lights to illuminate itself right now.

I keep wondering how I can make myself happier or more fulfilled. Is it by changing course? Would I be happier doing Lit/English/some course writing-related? But what about the future? What am I going to do with such an unemployable degree? Journalism is out of the question because I'd rather carve "bite me" with a butcher knife on my stomach and let myself bleed to death than to whore for SPH and its shameless pro-G propaganda; even if I went into it and looked for employment elsewhere I know that I don't have what it takes to make it in credible news magazines (read: Time, my only news source, the only magazine that is worth my time).

I'm tired of this country's issues that are casually disguised as non-issues. I think migration is a much better option. I've never been patriotic anyway; the only times I harboured anything even vaguely resembling "I lurve my country!!111!!!!" sentiments occurred when I was 12 and stupid. Now I'm 19 and cynical and so I say, patriotism is a blatant manifestation of sentimentality, feelings attached to a piece of land cannot be called by any other name.

Bite me anyone who cares to disagree. I'll let you know now that I don't care about your opposing viewpoints.

I'm cranky. Very cranky. I'm bored out of my mind with my life, grades are trivial, caring about grades is the icing on the Frivolity cake, why are people so obsessed with getting good grades anyway? I mean, for the A Levels it sort of made some sense, but now? Does it even matter? Can you go to bed happy with full knowledge that you exploited someone's misery by bludgeoning it to death, ad nauseum, on your stupid SLS fucked up unreadable exam answer in hopes of scoring brownie points with your jaded professor who can probably call you on it faster than you can say, "Oh shit I made a mistake there!"?

Get a bloody life. It was the same with GP, the way we pretended to care about Africa and starving Africans and United Nations statistics just to get a better GP grade (though how do you get better than an A1? - ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, end cocky and arrogant interjection), and it's the same thing now. Things are not supposed to be this superficial in university; it's at complete loggerheads with everything I heard about how amazing university is, how intellectually-stimulating university students are, how you'd grow as a person in both mind, body and character when you are in university.

Well, I'm making room for myself right now in the "I don't give a damn" camp; setting up my tent, laying out my sleeping bag, and starting my bon fire. Campfire. Whatever you call the fire you start using twigs and rubbing two stones together for a nice starting spark.

I had a dream, a nice one, I forgot what it was about, I think Logan was somewhere in there, when it got to the awesome parts my mom came in and woke me up.

I really love sleeping. Something has to be awfully wrong, though, if I look forward to sleeping just because of the dreams, purely because of how those dreams are more interesting than the things that try to go on in my life.

I wonder how people don't get tired of themselves. 12 years of the same faces, four more years in university of the same faces, your entire professional life seeing yet the same damn faces. How do you not get sick of yourselves? It's amazing, it must be an art, or at least there must be some sort of a scientific answer that I have yet to find.

And yet, you'd think twice about stepping outside this circle because there isn't anything worth paying attention to when both feet are out of bounds. I was on wholivesnearyou.com out of boredom and checking out the message boards out of curiosity and to say that I was appalled by the fact that not a single person had anything resembling good English is a major, even perverse understatement.

Singapore, oh Singapore, what wrongs did I commit in my past life to deserve a fate such as you? I'd turn back time and not move here at all and grow up in Taipei and not know a single word of English and I think it'd be worth it. At least Taiwan is much bigger than Singapore; the chances of me running into the same type of people everywhere I turn won't be that high.

This whole SLS thing has been quite the emotional rollercoaster ride - at least, as emotional as a law module can get.

I want to apply to US universities but hell I'm too damn lazy to take the SATs. I wanted to apply to Stanford, purely on the basis that Veronica Mars wants to go there (yes I'm a dork now kill me), but they need SATs results by December 15 and even though I took a test in 2003 there's no way in hell I'd waste US$75 by applying with that score because it's embarrassingly bad, and the earliest test I can put my name down for is January 29/30, I can't remember which.

And I was so looking forward to going to school with Veronica! We'd totally be in the same year too! I wonder if we'd be BFFs...oh the agony of a lost chance!

"You know you're obsessed with Veronica Mars when you want to apply to a university that a fictional person is probably going to attend." (BFFs - Best Friends Forever.)

I can probably get into NYU without too much fuss and I would apply except it's too expensive and its quality does not justify the hole I'd burn in my parents' bank account.

I won't even bother applying to Harvard/Yale; paying a university to reject you? Totally stupid.

UCLA? Only because it's in California (ooh Veronica Mars is set in Neptune, California!).

FIND ME OTHER WAYS TO GET OUT OF HERE DAMMIT. Think brains, think!

Seriously, what's the deal with this stupid SATs thing? How does a bunch of multiple choice questions even remotely measure the degree of your intelligence, especially one that is nowhere near the meaning of the term "foolproof"? Sure, they have an essay section, but that's like a third of a student's total score...I think.

Oh hell, I'll 'fess up. I'm just bitching because I got my ass kicked by it (try to figure out how in the world I managed to get a score as low as 1180 or something for it and still get the A Level grades I got; maybe I'm really meant to be a writer!) and I'm probably going to sit back and not do anything because of it. I'd fail the Math section if I signed up anyway, and hello, it's not free and I can think of much better means of spending that 100-odd dollars than to waste on taking a stupid test.

Retract claws, Yelen.

That applies to other aspects of your life too.

Great, I just wasted an hour on this dumb entry. I am the dumb ass.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010