This Magic Lies/In Your Eyes/When You Look/Into My Soul/I Feel Like/I Could Drown/In Your Deep/Abyss Of Love
written: 6:28 p.m. on Friday, Apr. 19, 2002

That is all I can manage. Oh my god.

That, and Jesus Fucking Christ.

Oh my god. He kissed me. Three times.

God. I don't even know where the hell to begin. I'm just so light-headed, but not with hunger like before. I don't know what I'm feeling. But it's good. It's very, very, VERY FUCKING GOOD!

You know what I really want to do right now? Do you even have to ask?

I can't believe it. I can't believe this is happening to me. I'm so happy, I could just cry.

I can't believe he kissed me. I have never been kissed before.

I wish I wasn't in my uniform. We were actually in the restaurant (though we weren't alone), and...and, like...god. I can't form the words. I should probably go into details. But the whole thing about uniforms is that you can't do anything in it while you're out there in public in broad daylight.

But you know what? When the emotions call for it, public display of affection, that is, you just don't fucking care. He kissed me goodbye. In the bus-stop. People were watching, I suppose. I was in my uniform. I wasn't supposed to do it. I mean, my school has a good reputation. Girls from my school don't go around kissing boys in their uniform and all that shit.

But you know what else? I couldn't even BEGIN to care!

I need time to let this sink in. I need more time to replay the whole thing in my mind, because this is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. Ever.

The first thing he asked me was to tell him what I was thinking on Wednesday. We were just sitting in the restaurant, facing each other, and he was just staring at me in that way that drives me nuts, and I was taking my time because I didn't know how to phrase it, and he made it better for me by closing his eyes, so I just blurted out, "I was thinking about touching you."

And then he was laughed, but not in a derogatory manner. Apparently he wanted to do it too but he thought it was too fast. And then he just took my hand. Took it. Wrapped his fingers around mine. And said, "Feel better now?"

I just tingle when he touches me. I can't even put all these into words. Which is why this entry is going to be extremely badly written.

But I'm not finished. The entire time he gazed right into my eyes, in that way that drives me nuts, did I mention that? And then he began to ask me something, but stopped. I hate it when he does that, you know. Begin to say something, stop halfway and tells me, "Nevermind, forget it."

So I asked him to go on. And you know what?

He asked me to be his girlfriend.

I stopped breathing. For like, a second. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It was so unexpected. I wish I could describe my feelings, but I can't, because, god, I don't know.

I said yes.

And he just sat there, staring into my eyes.

I said, "So? Say something!"

He said, "I don't know what to say."

I said, "Then do something!"

That was when he got up, but not before laughing, but not in a derogatory manner, he got up, came over to me, and kissed me.

His lips are so soft. Like I could melt against them.

I have never kissed before so I didn't know what to do. I just let him do the kissing.

The strangest sensation. It was strange, yet delightful, kind of exhilarating, and totally breath-taking. He takes my breath away.

Being the dork that I am, I asked him to do it again. And he did. That was the second time.

I want to be with him right now. And I feel guilty about it, because my dad is going to Taiwan tomorrow because my grandfather is sick. How can I be so happy, so on top of the world, when my grandfather is sick?

But I can't stop thinking about him. About how he held my hand when we went out of the restaurant as the other people were waking up. About how he pressed my fingers against his lips when we sat across each other. About how he kissed me, and looked at me, and asked me to be his girlfriend, and said "I love you" in his language.

I didn't say it back though. Wasn't the right time. But I would, one day.

I walked home again. Wasn't planning to, but the situation begged for it. I got on the bus, and I was digging around my wallet for my farecard when I suddenly stopped and I just started smiling like a total idiot. Couldn't stop smiling. I'm still smiling.

This is the best day of my life.

I'm afraid I'm falling in love. And the weirdest thing is, he feels the same way. I don't even understand what it is about me that he likes. I mean, I'm me. Nobody has ever 1) told me I was beautiful, 2) kissed me, and 3) asked me to be his girlfriend before. Why?

I'm not even going to tear this thing apart. It would be stupid and pointless.

I can't wait til I see him again. I think I should change 'cause I can't do anything in my uniform.

I love how he holds my hand.

Okay, dinner time. Feeling a little giddy now.

So...

I still can't believe he kissed me.

Title from: "Abyss", my poem, written about Gen, which I let him read.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010